Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

ARE WE THERE YET?
  Destinations and How to Attain Them

You are traveling somewhere. You may or may not subscribe to the philosophy that HERE and THERE are much alike (especially in an age of globalized franchises and networks, with the same McFood and MegaMart and sports shoes outlets in every notable town) and that it's only what lies between that is worthy of your attention. This may indeed be true.

Still, you have decide for some reason (no matter how insane, moronic, misinformed or malign) to go grom HERE to THERE. How you choose which THERE to visit is a separate issue — see Travel (Meditations) for a discussion of motives. What you'll do once you reach THERE (if ever) is yet another concern. In this guide, we'll focus on how to tell whether you're going where you want and whether you've arrived.

Until reliable teleportation technology is developed, or until adequate VIRTUAL REALITY environments eliminate the necessity and utility of actually going anywhere at all, you will need some mechanism to travel from HERE to THERE. Getting THERE includes transporting yourself, any companions, your luggage and appurtenances — we'll assume that you either select a suitable conveyance, or whittle down your animate and inanimate baggage to a manageable load.

Your transportation then falls into two general categories: 1) something someone else controls, or 2) something you (think) you control yourself. Let's look at these in some detail.

I: OTHER-DIRECTED

Category I includes most commercial transport: taxis, buses, trains, air- and ocean- and space-liners, etc, as well as any vehicle you've hitched a ride on or been forced into.

Commercial carriers generally follow set routes — wind, weather and hijackers willing, you should be able to ensure eventual arrival at or near your destination by purchasing the correct ticket. PAY ATTEN­TION! Don't pay a fare for Portland, Maine when you really want to go to Portland, Oregon or Portland, England. And don't assume that your lugage will accompany you. One November I traveled to Fairbanks, Alaska while my bags (and winter clothes) had a nice trip to Fargo, North Dakota. But with some luck, you may wind up not too far from where you wanted to go, and you won't have to wander the streets naked the next day unless you really want to.

Taxis and other non-scheduled carriers can be problematic. In many cities, cabbies are newly-arrived from the hinterlands or a foreign shore, do not speak the same language as you or any locals, are suicidal and/or homicidal maniacs, or work for abduction-for-ransom rings. Even well-intentioned cabbies may trace long, sinuous, devious routes to your destination, the meter dinging away all the time. Some will arbitrarily double or triple your fare, holding your bags and/or companions hostage until paid in full (plus a tip).

Hitched or forced rides can be almost as troublesome. I was once hitching from upstate New York to Canadian Maritimes and was taken outside Washington, DC, the driver swerving towards every liquor, firearms and porno retailer we passed. And I ended that trip in Mexico City instead of Halifax. Maybe I should have taken a bus.

II: SELF-DIRECTED

Category II includes anything you pilot yourself: car, small boat or plane, horseback, walking, etc. In such a case, it's vital that you know WHERE you are going and HOW to get there.

It's most important that the self-directed traveler possess and use the right maps. Scale is significant — a general map of North America won't help you thread the back roads of Alberta, Oregon or Veracruz states. Such route maps are needed to maneuver between the general vicinities of HERE and THERE, especially if you're confused.

Besides such route maps you'll also need the right city or other detail maps. Be careful about just which Portland you're going to (see above) or that you have the map of the Los Alamos in NEW Mexico and not OLD Mexico. Why ARE you going to Los Alamos, anyway?

And don't use old maps — a chart showing streets and other details from before a place was last bombed or occupied or redeveloped my be of little use, as names or geography may have changed. New dictators and insurgents are especially apt to change street signs.

Of course, modern GPS and NaviStar devices and mapping software may render paper maps obsolete. This assumes that you're going someplace that's been accurately digitized, which may not be true of Beaverdip, Yukon or Yoyotenango, Guatemala or even Forestville, California. Guess what? None of my last few USA residences are plotted correctly. Good luck trying to find me!

A similar issue relates to guidebooks, which go obsolete faster than you can piss on a porcupine. Your favorite guide may recommend and direct you to hostelries and eateries and other attractions that no longer exist or have radically changed style. What was recently a clean-cut family establishment is now a mob hangout, a crack house, a brothel or hourly-rate motel. In some places it may still be the best joint in town. But be careful about booking your inlaws into a room you haven't checked out, unless they can take a joke or deserve thrills.

But I digress. How can you tell when you're at or near to or even en route to your desired destination? You could trust your maps and books and GPS, but they could lie. You could ask the locals, but THEY could lie. If you ask, "Is this the road to Quebec?" and the answer is in Spanish, you're in the wrong country or near a meat-processing plant. You could look closely at signs, but they may be too few (warning of BRIDGE OUT every few hundred klicks) or too many (85 on one sign­post is the record, at an intersection in Virginia). So, what to do?

I recommend prayer. Divine guidance is your best road map. Earnestly beseech you invisible friend, "GIMME A SIGN, LORD!" and you will surely be led aright, not astray. (What, you don't believe in prayer? As the noted philosopher Paul Feyerabend once observed, "Prayer may not be very efficient when compared to celestial mechanics, but it surely holds its own vis-á-vis some parts of economics.") If you aren't religious, coin-flipping or throwing the I Ching may also help. Just take care not to proceed into a large body of water, off a precipice, past a barricade, through open flames, or into gunfire or a large hole, unless you've consciously decided that your fate lies there.

SUMMARY: Remember, being somewhere is often less important and rewarding that going there. The journey is more than the destination. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single misstep. The map is not the territory. The race goes not always to the swiftest. A penny saved is a penny. Familiarity breeds. Go forth, and let mustard seeds fall where they may. Behold the lilies of the field: they do not sweat, nor do they pay tolls nor taxes. Wherever you go, there you are. And how can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

THE LIMITS TO TRAVEL
  And Just How Far Can We Really Go?

I've been to a few places — not nearly enough. I've wanted (and still desire) to go further but I've run up against blocks, mostly of time or money or physical ability. You've probably had similar experiences and frustrations. Can we break through these blocks, take many steps beyone? What are the *real* boundaries of our travel? Just how far can we really go?

The mundane limits are rather obvious. They include the following:

DURATION

Unless nothing is expected of you in the forseeable future and bad weather isn't approaching, you can only travel so long before you have to stop and/or turn back. (Sure, we could try to wander around Alaska or Yukon or Siberia or Spitzbergen throughout the winter, but we might get rather chilly.) Anyone with a standard job only has so much vacation time. Those traveling for business or espionage or conquest are likely bound by schedules too.

MONEY

Comfortable travel isn't free or even cheap. A truly timeless (or homeless) person can travel nearly forever, going from place to place taking whatever odd jobs may occur, or scavenging and looting, living off the fat of the land, until they're caught. The rest of us (except certain militaries) must live within definite budgets. And when the money runs out, ya just gotta stop.

POLITICS

Your passport (or lack thereof) can certainly inhibit your freedom of motion. Many borders have loosened up in the past generation but some are tighter — in some places, people of your nationality may still be forbidden or surveilled or just plain hated. You might also have a hard time getting out, or being allowed into other places afterwards. And KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Criticizing a local regime may be hazardous to your freedom and health.

ENDURANCE

Have you always wanted to climb Annapurna, hike the Pacific Crest Trail, swim the English Channel or the NorthWest Passage, bicycle across Eurasia, walk across Antarctica, surf a hurricane? You'd better start while you're young enough. I double that I could even tightrope-walk Niagara Falls at my age, let alone skateboard down from Haleakala or bungee-jump the Grand Canyon.

LANGUAGE

If your mother tongue isn't English, and even if it is, you may face severe difficulties if you don't gain at least a smattering of local languages during your travels. Some places, the wrong words or gestures or accent will have you turned away or ignored or assaulted or even eaten, as in Papua New Guinea. You will not be allowed to cross some borders unless you can be understood to say, "I have for you this nice cash gift." You must learn to be expressive.

SANITATION

Some states, such as Singapore and Denmark, will not allow you to enter if you smell very bad or are visibly encrusted with faeces. You may be forcibly hosed-down, and still be refused entry. Most nations don't demand that your body hair be removed (for which traveling Mediterranean women should be grateful) but some, notably in South­East Asia, may require that your head and face hair be disinfected-deloused and possibly shorn off. And if you don't wash your armpits, stay away from me.

Those are the basics. Here are some other limits you may run up against:

GRAVITATION:   You can only jump so far up. You can usually fall much further down, for much greater distances, especially from tall buildings or towers or bridges or cliffs. But the landing may be rough.

INTELLIGENCE:   There may be places you are just too stupid to visit. Stay away from academic conferences, nuclear power stations, disease research labs, police-military facilities, and motorways in use.

INEBRIATION:   Being very drunk or stoned will close man doors in your face. Don't wave your bottle as you drive past cops, not even in Mexico. Don't use hypodermics in public places. Don't smuggle white powders.

LITERATURE:   Your taste in reading material may deny you entry to many places. Be especially careful to hid your sexually-explicit publica­tions, anarchist-terrorist manuals, hacker journals and satirical bibles.

ATTIRE, etc:   Clothing and adornments are prohibited in some places but required in most others. You may garner unwanted attention if you display certain 'message' t-shirts or tattoos, masks, transgender garb, trans­parent clothes, body wraps, animal furs, or body modifications.

BODY SHAPE:   Fatness, thinness, fitness, have different connotations in different cultures. Consult guides to your intended destinations to ensure that your extraordinary body won't get you into trouble.

THE PAST:   Everyone always travels (slowly) into the future but we are prohibited from revisiting (and especially revising) the past, except in our own minds, or as a literary project, or for propaganda purposes.

CRYING:   In some places, no matter how miserable and sad and lonely you feel, you must NOT cry or you will be excluded. This especially applies to Singapore (again), Texas, Russia, and certain Central Asian states.

SHOPPING MALLS:   You may be kept or thrown out of private shopping facilities unless you observe certain rules: no messages, no begging, no shoplifting, no nudity, no photography, no farting, no dancing, no sex, no fun. You are there only to spend money.

LEGALITY:   You may be involved in various religious, political, sexual, chemical or other practices that are or aren't legal in your home or destination. Do not cross borders with stoned atheist transgender anarchist dwarves for sexual purposes.

IMAGINATION:   You can probably only travel to places you can think of. If you can't imagine it, you can't get there. If you get there and you still can't imagine it, you can't get back. Too bad, sucker.

OFF-PLANET:   You may leave Earth only under certain conditions: your dead ashes have been launched into orbit; you've bought a ride on Soyuz; you've been abducted by aliens; or you've invented antigravity.

EDGES:   Columbus set sail in 1492 with four ships. The Santa Maria sailed off the edge of the world. The world *has* edges, very sharp edges. Take care, or you and your dog may fall off. But the cat won't.

SPACE-TIME:   You may not enter or leave this universe without creating a discontinuity, which would be bad news for everyone. But you *are* allowed to fall into a black hole; your constituent particles will be spewed out somewhere.

This should give you some idea of what you may run up against as you try to push the envelope of travel. You are always free to try to transcend these limitations. If you can manage to get "somewhere else," please send me a postcard. Be sure to apply suficient postage to ensure delivery. Happy trails!