Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

TRAVEL TIPS FOR BUS RIDERS:
  Leave The Driving To Someone Else, Eh?

In your wanderings you have and/or will encounter many sorts of buses: school buses, jitneys/combis, CHICKEN BUSES (click here), sleek first-class highway cruisers, workaday city buses and inter­urbans, tour shuttles and cruisers, rolling hippie homes, etc. Each has their own rules and idio­syncrasies. You are not in the same position as STAGECOACH RIDERS (click here) but many of the same principles apply. Here are some hints to help you survive your bus trip.

•  §  FARES: Pay the fare, the whole fare, and nothing but the fare, at the time it is demanded. Tickets may or may not be involved. Do not suffer being short-changed, but neither shall you try to cheat the toll- or ticket-taker — you do NOT want to learn what penalties may be imposed.
•  §  LUGGAGE: Make sure is luggage is loaded on the same bus you are on. If possible, keep it with you. If necessary, strap it to you. And in case your luggage goes astray, always carry a change of clothes with you — if necessary, doubled-up with what you're wearing. Otherwise you could end up NAKED IN PUBLIC (click here).
•  §  SEATING (1): If possible, sit near the driver so you can ask dumb questions or converse as needed. Otherwise, try to sit next to someone who appears, if not sexy or maybe just simpatico, at least not too nauseating. Otherwise, hold your breath and close your eyes.
•  §  SEATING (2): If possible, sit on the aisle for short trips (so you can escape exit quickly) or next to a window for long trips (for scenery, air, and someplace you can spit or vomit). On a crowded bus it may be impossible for you to sit; so stand carefully, hang on to something or someone sturdy, and beware of pickpockets. Is that hand going for your crotch or your wallet?
•  §  LIQUIDS: Relieve yourself before boarding. Don't drink while riding — you never know when to expect the next piss-stop. But if a bottle is being passed around, take a slug so as not to be thought unsociable. If you then need to piss, note what the others are doing, and step aside.
•  §  REST+FOOD: Take advantage of all rest stops, and be sure to GET BACK ON THE BUS (the RIGHT bus) before it leaves again. At a rest stop or on the bus, if food is offered, eat it. If the food looks and/or smells bad, eat it anyway — you're here for the local experience, right? Even if you expect to get sick from it, eat it anyway. That's why you have a window seat, remember?
•  §  SMOKING: If you are on a non-smoking bus, don't smoke. Don't think that if you hide your smoke behind a seat in back, that nobody will notice — they will. If it's a smoking bus, smoke. If everybody is smoking, you should smoke too, whether you want to or not. If you're a non-smoker, hold your breath and close your eyes and open the window.
•  §  DISCUSSIONS: Don't discuss politics or religion or sex, unless these are the only subjects being discussed. Don't act-out your political-religious-sexual preferences unless such seems expected. Don't get too involved with discussions of murder and/or suicide unless such seems expected. Don't insult anyone's national clothes or NATIONAL FISH (click here) or national sport or national perversion(s). Agree with almost everything, at least until you can get off the bus. With your luggage.
•  §  SLEEPING: Sleep whenever you can, unless you are standing, or if your seatmate is fondling sharp weapons. IF your seatmate tries to sit in your lap or becomes psychotic, wake up.
•  §  DIVERSIONS: Take along a small book or notebook or music/video player or computer. Entertain yourself as best you can. Try not to entertain those around you too much. Do not be persuaded to undress unless everyone else is doing so. And always take notes and photos.
•  §  PERSONNEL: Should the driver or guide make announcements, pay attention as best you can. Do not become overly dependent or romantically involved with the driver or guide, or you could wind up heartbroken and/or married. Do not overly antagonize the driver or guide or you could be ejected from a moving bus.
•  §  RESPITE: Get off the bus every now and then. With your luggage. Watch the bus roll away without you. Sigh with relief. Check that you still have your money, documents, maps, clothes, etc. Check that some other means of transport is nearby, Otherwise, start walking

ASTROLOGICAL TRAVEL:
  It's All In The Stars, Or Whatever

If you believe in some system of Astrology, and assuming that you haven't devised your own astrological system or adopted some exotic system (see THE ASTROLOGY GAME - click here), but you follow the mainstream paradigm (as found in newsstand and checkout-line publi­cations), you will certainly want to abide by sound astrological guidance when you travel.

Some guidelines are very general:

• * It's safe to travel when Venus is in Aquarius as long as neither Neptune nor Saturn are trine.
• * A conjunction of the Moon and Mars is a bad time to visit Europe, Melanesia, or Antarctica.
• * When Mercury and Jupitar are in opposition, you should hide under your bed for seven weeks.

Other guidance is more specific, and applies to anyone subject to certain birth signs. Here are ther rules for those of you born under these signs.

• * If you are an ARIES, you should not visit pagan temples during a solstice or equinox.
• * If you are an AQUARIUS, you should avoid Carnival Cruise ships during May and September.
• * If you are a CANCER, partying in Jamaica will leave you infested with colorful crabs.
• * If you are a CAPRICORN, you can import Portuguese Feta cheese duty-free, as much as you want.
• * If you are a CENTAUR, you should avoid visiting Canada or Montana during hunting season.
• * If you are a GEMINI, you should travel to Twin Falls, Idaho with twins for two months.
• * If you are a LEO, you make take felines with you onto airlines or when boating to Santa Catalina Island.
• * If you are a LIBRA, you will receive triple bonus mules when flying Quanas or Alitalia in March.
• * If you are a LILITH, you can dance naked under the moon at any Disney or Six Flags theme park.
• * If you are a PISCES, you can have a free dinner on your birthday at any Long John Silver franchise.
• * If you are a PRION, you should not wear panties under your skirt or kilt when visiting Crete.
• * If you are a SAGITTARIUS, you should always carry a steel umbrella when visiting Japan.
• * If you are a SATYR, you will receive a 60% discount at all Club Meds during January and June.
• * If you are a SCORPIO, you are immune to arachnid bites when walking barefoot in the Gobi Desert.
• * If you are a SILENUS, you should visit India during monsoon season, but only in disguise.
• * If you are a TAURUS, you can walk barefoot through French cattle pastures without fear.
• * If you are a VIRGO, you should travel wearing this T-shirt: SAVE A VIRGIN - DO ME INSTEAD!
• * If you are a ZYGOTE, you can expect to be buffetted during many months of protracted travel.

For more detailed help, consult with any qualified astrologer you can find. For help in finding a qualified astrologer, ask a qualified clairvoyant. For help in finding a qualified clairvoyant, ask a qualified metaphysician. If you don't want to live any more, throw yourself off a cliff or bridge, but first send me all your money.

FOOTNOTE: You could also plan your travel using Tarot cards. I can't offer any specific guidance for such an application of cartomancy, but I *have* written this: THE PATH: A Song-Cycle Based on Tarots. Check it out, eh? And let me know what works.

STALKING THE WILD ECO-TOURIST:
  Long Pig Never Tasted So Good!

Globalized transport provides discerning anthrophages (people-eaters) with a whole new menu of tasty treats, in the form of tourists from remotes regions. Are you tired of your usual bill of fare? Are your neigh­bors just too ordinary for your picky palate? Well, now is your chance to pounce on some visiting victuals.

You'll find many sorts of newcomers within range: scrawny pastors and anthropologists and impoverished students on holiday; obese sub-middle-class proletarians; crowds of camera-toting Japanese bantams; Eastern Europeans whose fatty layers are laced with radio­actives and heavy metals (you should avoid these); and, best of all, those well-nourished upper-middle-class Euro­American delicasies, Eco-Tourists.

Those who come Eco-Touring are usually in good physical condition, yet their flesh is marbled with more succulent fat than you would find in a cleric, scholar, athlete or laborer. They are usually health-conscious and may subsist mainly on vegetables, nuts, spices, mineral water, some fish and poultry, and possibly some rare helpings of high-quality animal flesh. Their body loads of drugs and alcohol are moderate, much better than the afore-mentioned students, clerics, laborers, and others. Overall, they will exhibit a delicate, almost nut-like flavor — much better than your impov­erished neighbors or the gargantuan blobs that descend from cruise ships.

Your goal is to take them unawares, to avoid the stress hormones that will muddy and roughen their flavor and texture. But stalking them is SO easy! Fortunately, Eco-Tourists are very easy to attract and distract. Over your traps, post signs announcing SUSTAINABLE AGRICULTURE and ­ and CULTURAL EXCHANGE and ONLINE MARKETING. You can even temp them to willingly jump into your big stew pot by labeling it INDI­GENOUS HOT TUB — CLOTHING OPTIONAL. And of course they can be easily tranquilized and subdued by feeding them local foods laced with soporifics — organic macadamia hashish cookies (labeled FROM TREES SHADING ORGANIC COFFEE PLANTS!) are always a favorite.

If you are a real entrepreneur, you can even start you own online Eco-Tourism travel agency, to assure a steady supply. Surpluses can be readily sold to your fellow conneisseurs. Yes, your dinners will flock to your door, and they'll even pay for the privelege.

Dress-out, season, and cook your Eco-Tourist feast in your favorite ways, keeping in mind that they *are* more tender and delicate and juicy than you may be used to. (See TO SERVE MAN and GOD-FORSAKEN CUISINE and other selections from EAT IT! for tips.) You may need to experiment with several before you get your recipe adaptations right. Remember, practice makes perfect. Bon appetit!