USD: Session #3
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Dave Barry on College
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to collage. (That is, of 
course, a lie. The only things you young people think seriously about are beer, loud music and 
sex. Trust me: these are closely related to collage.) Collage is basically a bunch of rooms where
 you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are 
spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get 
dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of thing in collage: 1. Things you will need to know in later 
life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe -paper 
stains out of your pajamas. 2. Thing you will not need to know later in life (1,998 hours). These 
are things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, --osophy,--istry,-ics, and so on. The 
idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. 
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in collage for the rest of your 
life. It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in collage, I had to 
memorize -- don’t ask me why -the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I 
have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named 
Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometime, when I’m trying to remember something important whether 
my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just 
pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells. After 
you’ve been in collage for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject 
you intended to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of 
advice: Be sure to choose a major that dose not involve know facts and right answers. This 
means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these 
subjects involve actual facts. 

Dave Barry on College
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to collage. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young people think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to collage.) Collage is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of thing in collage: 1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe -paper stains out of your pajamas. 2. Thing you will not need to know later in life (1,998 hours). These are things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, --osophy,--istry,-ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in collage for the rest of your life. It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in collage, I had to memorize--don’t ask me why -the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometime, when I’m trying to remember something important whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells. After you’ve been in collage for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intended to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that dose not involve know facts and right answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.