MORE DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

AUTHOR  A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

BOSS  A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live
in free societies.

CHILDHOOD  The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on
a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL  How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE  In the working world, something you can't get unless you've
already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

FITNESS  Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET  A food fetishist.

HOOKER  A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for
even less.

IDEOLOGUE  Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by
spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

JEANS  Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being
the zits.

KLEPTOMANIAC  A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS  Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science.  Some
die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that
we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS  A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely
of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but
disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a
semi-automatic.

NEIGHBORS  The strangers who live next door.

ORGASM  The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their
mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

PARASITE  A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others,
like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE  Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a
guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

REDNECK  Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing
one in person.

SMILE  To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward
a fellow human.

TRAILER PARKS  Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American
hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes
gravitate like flies to roadkill.

UNWED MOTHER  One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without
the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

VOTING  The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as
long as they do it alone.

WHITE SUPREMACISTS  The most convincing argument against the theory of white
racial superiority.
X-RAY  A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create
new ones for future examinations to reveal.

Y-CHROMOSOME  A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility,
war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to
ask for directions when lost.

ZOO  A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving
animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

READ MORE AT "THE CYNIC'S SANCTUARY"
http://www.amz.com/cynic
"The Cynic's Dictionary" is published by William Morrow.  All definitions (c)
Rick Bayan.


From: Michelle