[ns.amherst.edu] MTABBOTT Mark Theron Abbott MTABBOTT not logged in Last login Fri 5-Nov-93 6:04PM-EST Plan: IN CASE ANYONE CARES WHERE I AM Mon Tues Weds Thurs Fri Sat Sun 8 Phys.Lab 10 Jazz Jazz " 11 Physics " Physics " Physics 11:30 " Wagner " Wagner " 12:30 Music " Music " 1 " Physics " (6tet) 2 Physics " 3 Clarinet DQ 4 Sax " 5:30 M.Lib M.Lib Wagner 7 DQ " 7:30 ACJE M.Lib " " 8:30 " " Phys.Help 9 " DQ (6tet) {a true story from an AD&D Convention; read on rec.humor} [A fifteenth level paladin has been separated from the group. He is walking through the woods in an attempt to find his friends.] Dungeon Master: You walk into a clearing and find a gazebo. Player: What does the gazebo look like? DM: It is just your average white gazebo, nothing special. Player: I talk to the gazebo. DM: [Thinking: ok, not TOO weird for D&D] What do you say? Player: "Hail, gazebo." DM: Nothing happens. It doesn't react. Player: Nothing? Well, I demand its surrender! DM: (?) Ok, it still doesn't do anything. Player: I draw my sword and say, "GAZEBO, SURRENDER!" DM: [laughing a little] Still nothing. [Other players have figured out what has just happened and are trying not to laugh.] Player: I attack the gazebo! DM: Ok, What armor-class did you hit? Player: [rolls] I did 121 damage to AC -2. Did I kill it? DM: Well... It's kind of scratched... Player: Is it bleeding? DM: No. Player: No? Well I make a wisdom check [rolls an 8]. Is it some form of undead? DM: No, you're pretty sure it's not undead. Other players: snigger... heehee... laugh... Player: I attack it again! DM: Ok, go ahead. Player: 156 damage to AC -1? DM: It is still not bleeding. Player: JESUS! I RUN FOR MY LIFE!! DM: [can't control himself] Too late, it ATE you. DM and Other players: (roll on the ground laughing) They were weight-conscious -- I ate cake for dinner every night. -- Margarida Jorge BARNARD '95, on why she didn't get along with her roommates Anyway, now there is a backpack-selling, America-hating, military-gear-wearing Communist in the Plaka who thinks he has a friend named Janet Abbott (sorry, I borrowed your name) in Toronto. -- the punchline to a strange anecdote of Janet Haven's So we had two popes, which, as you know, would be very awkward. I mean, there's only one Popemobile. -- Prof. Kallick explains the Papal Schism of the 14th Century I don't have an iceberg's chance in hell. -- Rob Pearson '94 is optimistic about his pessimism Well, we've never been to hell... it could be COLD. -- Rob has a point Ted Levine (my sax teacher): And I've got tendonitis in my left elbow... [I make the universal gesture for masturbastion.] Ted: No, I snap the carrot with my right. Man, I fell on my balls! That sucks. -- L Wong '95 makes a succinct assessment of the situation, after attempting a cool choreo move Studies have shown that when a pause reaches four seconds, one or more of the conversationalists will invariably blurt something, naked, covered with blood and with a knife in his hand. -- a distortion of JHHASKELL's plan, due to an amazingly well-timed CPU lag Me: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" [pause] Me: Don't you get it?!? Sachi: (slowly) Well, a horse has a long face, but... it's not the same thing. -- zen master Sachi Akiyama '95 is able to both get and not get a joke I wouldn't want my nose to meet your nose in a dark alley, man. -- "Disgustin' Justin" Chang '95 Me: Rob, you want some Lip Medex? Rob: No, thanks; I've got my Halls. -- Rob confuses the hell out of me [In Valentine, Jonathan and Callie are arguing over who is more screwed workwise.] Jonathan: Oh yeah? Well, I have to go into SURGERY this afternoon! Me: [looking in dismay at Jon's plate] You shouldn't be eating, then. Jonathan: No, I'm PERFORMING surgery, you idiot! I was at my cousin's Barmitzvah; no, wait, it was my nephew's. No, wait, I'm not an uncle! -- Ben Weiss '95 > I have come once again, in the hopes of but a sip from the fire hose of > your wisdom. -- an Oracular supplicant The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh! you the most wise oracle .. can you tell me if i am going to fail > my subjects ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } English, for sure. Mark, why don't you dissolve into a Volkswagen? -- Woozy Wu. After I recovered from my shock, we had this conversation: Woozy: [looks me up and down] You have more entropy than a Volkswagen. So it could happen. Me: No no, if I have more entropy than a Volkswagen, then a Volkswagen would dissolve into me. Woozy: Oh. [pause] Wait, that's not right. Me: Sure it is. I mean, what you're saying is, like, this glob of spit [spit into sink] could dissolve into a crystal; but no, that would be a DEcrease in entropy. Woozy: But that wouldn't happen anyway. Things can't DISSOLVE into crystals. Me: Well, they can't dissolve into fucking VW's either! Woozy: Sure they could. If I had, like, a big block of metal with an an engine in it, and I applied heat to it in the right way... Me: Bullshit. Woozy: I could do it. [pause] Especially if the engine were in the back. He drives all the way over THERE to do THAT? -- Justin, after one of our roommates got a 0 on a quiz in a 5-college class Sounds like a breakfast cereal. -- Dan Karp '95 on the neutrino, which is, in fact, not a breakfast ceral, but a particle which rarely interacts with other matter, and stays massless and chargeless in milk During the Reagan years, there was a lot of talk about the neutron bomb, this wonderful weapon which kills everybody but doesn't destroy the buildings, so you don't have to rebuild everything when you move in. I figured that a good way to help get my research funded would be to submit a proposal to the administration for a neutrino bomb, which not only would have the virtues of the neutron bomb in that it would leave the buildings standing, but it would not kill anyone, either. -- Prof. Hunter Andy Jaffe (to the vocalist): And you can hold out a high note on the tag. [Everyone in the band simulentaneously sings hideous high notes. Andy rolls his eyes.] Andy: You know, I spend all day takin' care of a two-year-old, so when I come here, I'm looking for a different kind of... Brandon Erdos '96: Immaturity? It is worth noting that two of our finest modern English theorists have held different views as to the right way of peeling the very first banana in the work. -- Gerald Abraham, _A Hundred Years Of Music_, p. 116, on Wagner's "Tristan And Isolde" I'll give you some excercises, and then you can blow me. -- Ted Levine suggests a pedagogical approach to my work on the altissimo register Perfect! No, I'm just kidding. -- Ted, on my attempt to play an altissimo A Hello? Why, of COURSE this is the DQ! Who else would have a manilla sheep voodoo phone? -- David Westen '97, holding a manilla envelope up to his ear [my mom is in the common room, writing me checks.] Me: New England Telephone, $22.26 Aloysius: Uh, Sears and Roebuck, $105.93. The good news is that the rumours of a new Take 6 album are true. The bad news is that it's accompanied, ie not a cappella. Apparently they have decided to try out the waters with accompanied harmony singing, and if that doesn't work, they'll go back to a cappella. So let's all hope that this album is really unsuccessful. -- from the rec.music.a-cappella FAQ file Bridget [on phone]: We're in Pond dorm. P-O-N-D. Ben Chung [screaming]: Pond! Learn how to fuckin' spell! POND! It's not a fuckin' homonym! All of the modes [scales] are named after Greek tribes. Well, except for Lydian flat 9. -- Andy Jaffe I'M NOT PAYING! -- helpfully scrawled across a DQ CD order form, by a disgruntled patron who also crossed out the word "delivery" in the phrase "FREE delivery to your door" 24-48-3. -- Ben Chung describes his ideal woman I think I just described a party glass. Wait... [gestures in the air] that's a fuckin' parallelogram! -- Ben has second thoughts I'm gonna explode in a fiery ball of semen! -- Aloysius WHY I TRY TO GET MORE SLEEP THAN MY ROOMMATES: Ben: Man, I was pretty damn tired about two minutes ago. Me: Really? Ben: Uh.. or two hours. [Ben then wanders fully clothed into the shower stall, where he stands for a moment before muttering something and shuffling into his room.] Sorry I wasn't sick earlier. -- Jon Werner '95 apologizes for not scheduling his illness around rehearsals Ben: Dude, my Hell week has begun. [I place a comforting hand on his shoulder.] Ben: But I don't need any affection from YOU. L Wong '95: My mom isn't white. Brad Fusco '95: Sure she is. You and I have the same mom. L: Wait.. so you're my father! -- L is currently taking Introduction to Logic. *** PLANTHEON: (Top Ten plans. The Planwatch was just getting too unwieldy. If you think a certain plan is deserving of mention, let me know.) ACLORENTZ BJLILLARD CMGREENFIELD DAKARP DLCRAFT JEBLAKE JHFROME JLVINSON JMFUCHS LMMILLER mtabbott@ns.amherst.edu