Short Humor Tidbits

"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last
night.  I finally had to let her out."
       
 "Did you know that if you laid every cigarette smoker end-to-end 
 around the world, more than 67 percent of them would drown?"
         
 "After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that
 brought tears to my eyes: "No hablo ingles" "
 
 "I wear glasses.  I was walking down the street one day when my 
 prescription ran out."
       
 "Watched a marathon on TV the other day.  What could make 17,000
 people want to run 26 miles in a marathon?  All I could figure was
 that there was a Hare Krishna behind them going
    "Excuse me, could I talk to you for just a second?""

 "There's a lot of self-help tapes out there. Bought a set called 
 'How to Handle Disappointment'.  I got home and the box was empty."
 
 "When I was kidnapped, my parents sprang into action.  They rented 
  out my room."
      
 "I have gossip dyslexia.  I have to talk in front of other people's 
 backs."

 "It wasn't easy telling my family that I'm gay. I made my carefully
 worded announcement at Thanksgiving.  It was very Norman Rockwell. 
 I said, "Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?" 
 She passed it to my father.  A terrible scene followed."

 "Have you noticed?  Anyone driving faster than >you is an idiot,
 and anyone going slower than you is a moron."

 "They say there's a shortage of jails, and that they're planning to
 build more of them in America.  Isn't it funny how nobody wants a
 jail to be built near them?  They say 'I don't want those criminals
 in MY backyard.  What if they break out?'
 Don't these idiots get it?  If they break out of jail, what the
 hell do you think they're going to do?  Stay closeby?"

 "A woman sneezed like 300 times.  She said 'There must be something
 in the air'  I said 'Yeah, your germs.""

 "I went to a shrink.  She said I have delusional feelings of sexual 
  superiority...ahh, she just wants me."

 "And do you know what hell is, folks? It's Andy Gibb singing 'Shadow
  Dancing' for eons and eons!"

 "Do you think that birds that live in airports have a bad self-image?"

 "My father is an interesting man.  He's allergic to cotton.  He has
 pills he can take for the situation, but he can't get them out
 of the bottle."

 "My dog watches me on TV.  So, if I may take
 this opportunity...No! >>No! >>No!" 


From: Ray