This was written to the aut-partners (romantic relationships) list by an NT woman married to a man on the spectrum... I was so pleased with what she said that I asked (and was happily given) permission to send it onwards to other lists. I think there's a *lot* that can be learned from this. (Click MORE to read it. :)
To: aut-partners
From: Janica
Subject: Re: [aut-partners] Re: hugs Re: have had to rediscover hubbie
>I believe in my heart that both parties have to make some concessions to
>be able to live harmoniously. It is when one party does all the
>compromising that relationships fall apart. Whether its an NT/NT or AS/NT.
I am interested in this entire concept of compromise in AS/NT
relationships. But I'm not sure that's really what it would be called or
if it is even possible. Compromise implies (to me anyway) that we are each
giving up some bit to get a whole that has parts of what each
wants. Michael cannot compromise on some things. Some rituals diminish
anxiety. Some obsessions "finish" a mental project that, unfinished, would
drive him as bats as dirty dishes on the counter would make me. Some of
his needs for quiet time or companionship in silence are to recharge
seriously depleted batteries after a hard day.
Regardless of what I have going, some of his needs are critical to his
physical, spiritual, and mental health. For me to ask for a hug when he
has a paramount need, even tho the same need would be far less important if
it were mine, would be disrespectful. Just because I don't need that space
since my NT brain can take on multiple events, people, and emotions in
succession, doesn't mean he is the same. He is not. His wiring is
different. He needs to pace his output so he can have enough staying power
to attend to life's needs - his life, my life, our life together. So I
have learned to read his body language (just like I learned from my dogs)
and I do respect his needs.
I call my friends for a chat, I go hug my grandbaby, I take a dog out for a
session, or I grab a dog, give him/her a huge hug and get a very sloppy kiss!
In doing so, I am telling Michael I love him with no words. It means I put
my own wishes (and they ARE wishes while his are NEEDS, very different)
after his well being. And, guess what? He is way more attentive to me
emotionally because it is becoming safe for him to do so and because by not
asking for what he can't comfortably give, his batteries are recharged and
ten minutes later he looks for me and smiles.
Dog, what a smile that is. So open and honest, clear, sweet, and a million
words in it. I am so glad I found y'all!
hugs, Janica
Posted by moggy at August 07, 2003 03:12 PM | TrackBackHmm. I'm not so sure. I suspect self-denial here. A beautiful altruism, and whilst I can see it works on the relationship level, at what cost to you?
Why are your needs less important, only 'wishes', whilst your partners's needs are fundamental to his well-being? I feel your needs are needs, or why would you bother to go get them met by physical or emotional contact with your friends, grandchild, dog?
As far as I know I am NT, but though I can 'deal' with diverse input to an extent, it does take its toll in terms of tiredness and mental stress, and depleted immune system etc, it isn't by any means effortless.
But I'm supposed to get on with it, whilst my AS partner needs everything his own way and constant tiptoeing around.
I feel indignant, I feel like I'm supposed to bear all things and believe all things and not to ask for anything in return, and that sounds unhealthy and martyr-like to me.
There does seem to me to be an overweening element of selfishness in this way of relating. I want my partner to be able to put me first sometimes, since I put him first just about all the time.
I don't find getting my needs met elsewhere actually meets those needs, which are for mutuality and attention from my partner, (not a substitute) to strengthen our bond.
And if I am always respecting and deferring to his needs, because he can't help being the way he is any more than I can help being the way I am as regards mental wiring, then I feel I am infantalising him and not treating him as an equal.
I am struggling, and doubting my capacity, or our capacity, to have a relationship that meets my criterion for a primary SO relationship, i.e. each holding up their half of the sky. Perhaps it is an impossibility in an AS/NT pairing.
