American Daylight waking up like a roller coasters first drop accelerate aware American daylight hair of the dog French maid toast breakfast in bed covers hog stretching, armpit close chewing like a tropical Gauguins best girl, murmuring a name with the occasional vowel.
Is this too disjointed?
What is the narrative, if any?
Hmm . . . well it did seem disjointed to me, and I didn't really get the narrative other perhaps than waking up on 9/11 to the news and watching TV in bed. I liked the Gauguin allusion. I don't mean to sound harsh because I know people take a chance who put a poem out there for public consumption, which is sort of like exposing one's self (inner self, not physical self!--well, maybe that bad, too!). I do think you need to look to some punctuation and perhaps develop some semblance of meter. And I wonder if cliches should ever be used in a poem unless, perhaps, one in which dialogue or a second speaker is used. But despite its flaws, I think you do somehow manage to relate the feeling of many people on that dreadful, historic day. I just wonder why my poem, which has meter and complex metaphor wasn't put up on the site!!!! Oh well!
Steven Davis <stevied1968@yahoo.com>
Cleveland, TX USA - Tue Jan 22 18:25:46 2002
Readers: You may wish to contact Charlton Metcalf privately with your ideas about this poem.