Frame You frame me; form following form; mine following yours, which is an unmarked path in an unmarked land. The secret slopes I discover as you sleep while you just lie there waiting patiently to be colonized. I've stopped and set up camp in your embrace so that I may survey my new surroundings and even if I depart I've left my mark for neither territory nor explorer will escape untouched. Expeditions such as these do not allow for an easy withdrawal and such a sturdy frame is hard to break. You frame me; form following form; mine becoming yours.
Liz Leidel's questions:
is the comparison too cliche?
are there any expressions that are lacking (ie-make verbs more active, make adjectives more descriptive or fresh)
are there any blatant breaks in the flow of the poem?
how affective is the alliteration? have i gone overboard?
....and of course anything else you have to add. dont be afraid to be harsh. i will be very appreciative.
thanks