"You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service."

I stare at the phone,
The most intense feeling of sorrow
That I've felt in years
sinking in.

So I finally lost her.
You never realize how bad it is
Until you exhaust every single one of your leads
All your hopes and possibilities.
Then you realize that there's nothing else
      It's done
      It's over
No more that you can do.

I can't accept it
But I am
As I drop the phone to the floor
And sit down, head in hands
My eyes unfocused,
The phone repeating
apologies and explanations
on the floor.

Disconnected.
That's really how it is.
I'm here, and she's . . .
I don't where know she is.
      She could be two cities away
      She could be back at her mom's house
      She could be smiling, she could be crying
      She could be dead, for all I know.

The forced separation I insisted on before
Only makes it worse
And presses a feeling of fault on me
As if it were my responsibility that I didn't live up to.
I had my chance, and I fucked it up
Over petty fear and lack of foresight
Foresight?
Hell no.
I kick back in a surge of anger,
lying on my back.
It wouldn't have come to anything, anyway.
But how do I know?

So I take it back
I had one more dream
That lingered until now
Until I heard the monotone voice
The blank woman's voice on the phone
Saying she's sorry
Saying we've been disconnected
Repeating it over and over

I mean, hell
      What else do I say?
      What else is there?
Nothing to close my eyes for
I can dream, but those dreams
Were just ground to dust
by that monotone voice
by the irritating three-toned beep

I wonder if I could . . .
I wish that I could . . .

I'm screaming.

My eyes blink spasmodically
And my limbs release
as I slump back on the floor
my throat still constricting, now raw
I drag myself upright,
      unfocused anger
      engulfing grief
Over something that I should have removed
I should have gotten over
I should have released
Dammit, why didn't I just ignore it
Like I did before?

Or is that where this came from?
Suppressed, oppressed, pent-up, inside
Leaking out the seams
Leaking out my eyes
Oh, yes, big, strong me
Strong enough to stand alone
Not wanting commitment
Not wanting to be bogged down
So what is this?
You call this free?
Living independent?
Living as me?

Not the way I'd planned
Not the way I'd hoped
it all might be
I say to myself

So what now?