We walk wordlessly down the path
Leaves crunching beneath our feet
Wind ruffling our clothes as we go
Silence hanging over us like a mist
I feel some strange sense of impending doom
As if I know what's going to happen
But there's nothing I can do about it
It's inevitable.

You're nervous: I can see it
You try to be casual and fail
I'm merely silent in return
But respond when you ask me
I don't try to make conversation
I don't try to push what you hold back
I know it will come soon
And that's what I'm afraid of.

We're going out into the sun
      into the fields
      into the open
Yet the mist still hangs
Your beautiful face is troubled
I can tell you haven't thought of it all
You hadn't considered the magnitude
You hadn't realized what it would be like
What it would be like to tell me
What it would be like to kill me
What you knew you had to do
Before it got out of hand
But oh, isn't that amusing?
When was this ever under control
When did you ever say:
"Oh, I know what's I'm doing."
I was drawn in,
I was sucked in,
And smothered,
Asphyxiated.

We sit down in the leaves
The dog resting beside us
The only sounds are the flies
And the dog's incessant panting.
You open your mouth
You look down
You fiddle with the leaves
You don't know what to say.

"I'll wait."
And I do.
And I do.
And I do.

Then you open your mouth,
Face hard with determination that you mustered
From somewhere inside yourself
And you tell me.
You tell me what I already knew,
And what I didn't,
And so much more,
None of which I wanted to hear.
I knew it wouldn't end how I'd hoped,
      how I'd wished.
But like this?
Not like this.

But it is.
But it will be.
But it's already done.
He already knows.
Here it is.
Here's my finality.
Not really what I wanted, is it?
No.

I try to take it well
And I succeed
At least externally,
My face calm.
Inside I shut it away,
I close off the voice,
The mournful screaming,
The pained sobbing.
Part of me wants to scream until my throat is raw
But instead all I do is nod
I accept it.
I say okay.
Everything pools around me,
Everything is dripping out of me
All the futile hopes,
All the hopeless fantasies.
A part of me is melting,
Seeping out my skin like tears
And circling me in a stagnant pond
That cries and moans.

The conversation is punctuated
      - is filled with minute long silences
Where we say nothing
Heads lowered, eyes frozen
We try to think of something
We try to laugh at anything
We try to smile, to be cheerful
But we both know we can't.
"I wish I could cry," you say.
The wind blowing your hair in your face.
I wish I couldn't, I realize,
as tears blur my eyes.

The wind blows from behind you,
      and I choke.
I see you looking at me,
      and I meet your eyes.

This would be so much easier if you didn't smell so good.