For once in my life
I actually miss her
The person I fought mental wars over
Secret pleasure solid abstinence
"I didn't want to," said my mouth
"I wanted to," said my eyes
"It was better, one supposes,
in the long run of things."
But I finally disagree
My mind, so made up,
has morphed, changed,
now looks in the other direction

I'm no longer afraid.

I no longer want to stay inside.
Now I want to emerge to the sun
To bite down on it,
To swallow, and to actually smile
I want to reveal how much it meant
I want to tell you how much it meant
I want to show just how much
I enjoyed myself
despite what I said

I'm not afraid to put my arms around you
To feel your legs in my lap,
To pretend not to look just as you are
To enjoy it all, feel your warmth
To sneak my hand up your thigh
tracing the lining, the fabric
feeling your body move
feeling your intake of breath

I'm inside.

And it's beautiful.
I can open up to that now,
realize just where it could have gone
Not just stay solid.
Your heat means more to me now
Your wet, your dampth
Your giggle and sigh
Your invitation

When you stand up now
I won't look down
I won't look away
and I'll follow you behind the closed door