a hesitant smile, rueful
sigh to last, downcast
and a single
      "Oh, well."

Not only to discover
that everything was for naught,
But my backup system
My flawless plan
Didn't work at all
My parachute didn't open
in time to save me from the ground,
Reality just as hard as asphalt.

I took the wrong path,
I ignored the light,
shining at the end of the tunnel
and took the shortcut.
So much easier, hah.
Only more effort and strain
and tears
and tears
And dreams that leave me stained
Sentence me to countless time
Sitting silently
and wracked.

All my guiding voices
Silenced once they realized
that they had no idea
that they really had no idea
And I'm left on my own.
Again.
Not even me left to guide myself,
Because I lost that as well.
Back somewhere in the road,
lying on the ground,
holding his head
and crying piteously.

Contemptable bastard.
It's not worth it.
But will it ever be?
I wonder.

I went to see you today.
He was there.

Replaying it in my mind
It was like an endless loop - cycle - repeat
Repeatedly slapped in the face
And sent reeling back, vision blurred
Only to look up again
and be slapped once more
And throughout it all
You don't even look like you notice

You're laughing -
You're smiling -
You're teasing -
      him

And I'm just the odd one out
The one at the side
who doesn't fully fit right
in the picture
I try to look away,
But it's shoved in my face again
.and again
.and again

So this friendly face
This moronic grin I wear
It's not mine.
So this plastic smile
This rehearsed line I share
It's not mine.
So this easygoing laugh
This illusion of enthusiasm I bear
It's not mine.
The face that is grafted over my own
To hide us all from the truth
It's not mine.

I've frayed, unraveled
and left tiny pieces of me
in places and people
I've had contact with.
Embedded deeply
and unreturnable.
The truth, glaring and searing
To find the soft comfort of a lie
And live in it until I could no longer
      until it wouldn't work anymore
And I was forced out
into this.