Grasp

What am I doing?
This isn't what I want.
Where am I?
I need to back up.
Yet if I do,
I'm stepping back onto the painful shards
of what I'm trying to leave behind.
Throwing myself is reckless,
and untrue to what I want,
to what I've always searched for.

This lacks profundity.
There is no huge obstacle,
no one cause to fight against,
                    just me
struggling with my life,
struggling to take hold,
and keep my course steady.
This is not profound –
it's just another person
          fighting to grasp onto his life.

I look down at my hands,
and see what I've laid them upon
          what I'm touching
The tears that come to my eyes are so strong,
that I can't even see as I shove it away.
I feel like I haven't even guided my life,
and have ended up in a foreign place.
I feel like I was guided by someone else:
someone in my place, in my shoes
          that is so far from me
                    it's incredible.
          so far from how I think,
          so far from how I act,
                    it's incredible.