You can be so strong.
You never cease to impress me,
To once again astound me with your strength
          of will, of mind, of spirit
I wonder how you do it.
You seemed so lacking in self-esteem
when I first met you . . .
I think that the power that you lacked
in that area was just redirected, channeled,
to other portions of your personality.

I think it's funny that you jump to answer the phone,
whenever it rings,
Seeing as how I do just the opposite:
My heart drops each time that sound reaches my ears.
Is this the comparison of optimist to pessimist?
Perhaps.
I simply don't want things to get worse.
I don't want that call to tell me that the last resort failed,
I don't want that call to tell me that the law is now involved,
I don't want that call to tell me that the father now knows,
I just don't want that call.

*ring*
"It's probably for you.
Aren't you going to get it?"
"No."

I wish I could still keep around pictures of you,
but they don't serve to remind me of the good times,
          the love,
          the hugs,
          the scents,
          the calls,
          your presence.
Instead of me being happy for what I had,
I obsess over what I lost.
One would think that my ability to identify that problem,
Would allow me to rectify it.
          However . . .
I don't know how.
It seems shocking to say that,
but I truly believe that
I don't know how.
How do I keep myself from thinking the thoughts
that my brain automatically drifts to?
What method should I use to purge
the longing from the loving?
I can't look at a picture of you
          and draw from it the wonderful thoughts,
          without taking into me the dark ones,
                              the sad ones,
                              the pained ones.
I wish I could.
I truly wish I could.
You were one of the best things in my life,
And I still love you just as much as I did
the day you were taken from me.
But . . . what can I do?
I feel helpless.
I don't know how to fight this battle.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't even know if this is a battle
that I should fight,
because in doing so, I'm taking a risk.
I'm gambling again,
and you of all people should know
how bad my luck with taking risks has been
          as of late.
Do I fight for something now,
in this small window of time,
In exchange (giving up),
the possibility of something later?
I don't know.
Once again,
I don't know.