Reminder

I am being controlled by my past.
It hasn't left me,
          it doesn't leave.
Every action I make,
Every choice I decide,
is affected.
I'm not free from myself,
from my own past.
I've damned myself in so many ways
that are just being revealed to me
in magnitudes that I couldn't have imagined.

Nothing is "behind me."
Nothing is "in my past."
It's all still here,
floating around me,
keeping me from enjoying
          anything
that I may have now,
and preventing me from gaining
          anything
                    new.

In everything I see,
          I am reminded.
                    of what was
                    of what used to be,
                    but never will be again
A constant reminder.
My entire life is a reminder
of what it used to be.