Funkified


1997 Funkified By Derek J. Barbee

Any resemblance to actual characters are not coincidental. ; )

Joseph, Bahb, and all other independent creations of Joseph DeLaCroix are the copyrighted property of JoCo Inc. Commander Packbell, Bookshire Draftwood, and Sandra Nightweaver are the copyrighted property of David Pistone. Jakkon, Jerena, Colin, Chris, Andrew, Josh, Dakkon, Runa, Smithson and Ashely are the copyrighted property of Derek J. Barbee. All rights reserved. Pause for bourgeois legalities: This story is copyright 1997 by the author, who grants permission to reproduce and distribute it, so long as A) you don't screw around with it and leave the text as it is, and B) you don't try and make some cash off of it. If you're serious about the latter, drop me a line barbees@sonic.net and we'll discuss my cut. All the normal provisions of Title 17 (the U.S. Copyright Law) still apply. Based on characters and situations created by Sega Corporation, Archie Comics and/or DiC Productions. Bookshire Draftwood may appear in this story courtesy of David Pistone Talent Associates.

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Author's Note: I just wanted to do this story. I was in the middle of writing my next story, which I plan to make _very_ big time. The next one is going to have illustrations! Remember how I told you that I based Colin, Chris, Andrew and a lot of others on real people? Well, Josh, the real Josh, likes drawing Jakkon and the Mercenaries and I like drawing demons and dragons and gargoyles. In the next story, they all collide. I draw the monsters, he draws the furries.

Anyhoo, this one just popped into my head when I couldn't sleep one night. If you start noticing that it's rather short, don't get mad. It was meant to be short.

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CALVIN AND HOBBES NOTE: All the facts that you find in here are completely true, except the ones I added to make things interesting! (Kidding, people!)

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"So, when do ya suppose it will be operational?"

Rotor scratched his head. "I dunno. As soon as I get a new Power Convertor. I need it to convert the energy of the Surge Mach into mightofluctuic energy. Of course, that's assuming that . . ."

Jakkon waved a hand. "Okay, okay! What's that in baby talk?"

"Oh! Sorry! I need to get a new Power Conv. . . I need to get a new doohickey some I can use it to change energy to the type that we need to work this whacthamacallit."

"Thank you."

Sally eyed the machine with distaste. "I don't know. Seems a bit risky to me."

Rotor sighed. "You know I've always wanted to explore the other dimensions and see what they were like! It's always been a dream of mine."

Jakkon sat down in a chair next to the machine. "Well, I'm only here because ya two needed ta know how ta hook those blinkin' wires up. I'm not particularly interesting in finding some weird place where all the inhabitants are bloodsucking leeches, or something . . ."

A light started blinking on the machine and it started to hum.

"Does it do that often?" asked Jakkon curiously.

Rotor shook his head. "Never, to my knowledge."

Jakkon leaned back. "This whole bally thing is funkified!"

With a loud hum, beam of energy shot out and hit Jakkon.

"Whoa! What the heck?"

With a crackle of electricity, Jakkon was gone, leaving Rotor and Sally staring at the chair where he had been not seconds ago.

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Derek J. Barbee stretched and yawned. It was about time to turn in. He shut off the computer with thoughts of new stories running through his head.

After the computer was off, he crawled over to his bed and fell asleep immediately. He'd finish the story later.

For a while, it was quiet. Then there was a hum and a crackle. Derek opened his eyes. It was pitch black, so he couldn't see anything. He closed his eyes again, satisfied that it was nothing.

"Freakin' hell!"

Derek's eyes snapped open and he sat straight up. That sure as heck wasn't his cat crawling around on his dresser!

He reached over and turned on a light.

"Ahhhhh!" screamed two voices at once.

Derek found himself looking at a tall fox, wearing a belt and pants with an eyepatch and some wavy strands of hair. Jakkon found himself looking at a tall boy about 14 years old sitting in his bed, blinking. The boy had blonde hair with one brown eye and one green eye.

"Nah, it couldn't be . . ." mumbled Derek.

"Who are ya?" growled Jakkon, looking around. "And for that matter, where am I?"

Derek snorted. "This is pretty crazy, isn't it? You are on Earth, when you should be on Mobius. I'm Derek, your _creator_!"

"_Bullphonkey_!"

Derek shook his head. "No, it's true! I'm the one who wrote stories about you!"

"What are ya talking about? I live my own life!"

"Not necessarily."

Jakkon crossed his arms defiantly. "Okay, then prove it!" He jabbed a finger at his eyepatch. "Where'd I get this and if ya _made_ me, why did ya make me have it?"

"Packbell shot you the night he shot your family," replied Derek without hesitation. "I gave to the eyepatch because it made an interesting story twist. It made you want to get back at Packbell, which you did, in "Retribution"."

"Retribution?"

"Oh, sorry! To you that would be the time you went and killed Packbell."

Jakkon snorted. "I still don't believe it. All right, where'd I get the bally accent?"

"The Hares of Salamandastron. Besides, I always liked that accent."

"Why did you make me a fox?"

Derek shrugged. "Foxes are cool! Besides, Colin was originally going to be a gorilla."

"WHAT?!?!?"

"I gave everyone a choice to be whatever they wanted," admitted Derek. "But if he was a gorilla, some of the stories would be quite different, you have to admit it."

Jakkon rolled his eyes. "If all that ya say is true, then ya realize that yer practically a god? Ya can make anything happen that ya want to happen!"

Derek thought for a moment. "I never thought of it that way."

"As a matter of fact, ya made everything happen! Ya _made_ me get shot in the arm when I first came ta Knothole with the rest of the Mercenaries!" flamed Jakkon.

"If it makes you feel any better, I was thinking about killing you, but I decide that that was a bit too drastic," said Derek meekly.

Jakkon's mouth hung slack. He stared at Derek for a moment, then walked out of the door into the hallway and started kicking the wall.

When Jakkon had made a good sized dent in the wall, he came back in.

"So where exactly _am_ I?" he asked.

"On Earth," replied Derek. "In my house, to be precise."

Jakkon looked around at the fishtank, then at the many books that lay beside Derek's bed. "Hmph. So how much different is this bally Earth from Mobius?"

"Well, for starters, the only sentient creatures on Earth are Humans."

Jakkon spun around. "What? You mean that I'm not a normal sight on this planet? _Bullphonkey_!"

"As a matter of fact, on this planet you're a downright freak of nature!"

"Watch yer mouth, kid!"

"Well, you are!" snapped Derek right back. "All the animals other than humans on this planet are small and unsentient. Foxes are smaller than me, along with cats and almost anything else you can name! Oh, and here, sparrows get about as big as my finger!"

Jakkon got an amazed expressionon his face, then shook his head. "Whew! Weird place!"

"Oh, and here, everyone wears clothes. You're half naked right now! You're lucky I made you always wear a belt and pants!"

Jakkon blinked. "I hate this place," he mumbled.

There was a meow from the doorway and Derek's cat Scamper came in. Derek picked up the noisy kitty and petted her. "Jakkon, this is Scamper. Scamper, Jakkon."

"Rrrrrroooooooawwwww!" hissed Scamper.

Jakkon peered closely. "That's a cat?"

Derek nodded. "Yep. This is how big cats are on this planet. People keep them as pets."

"Do they keep foxes as pets?" asked Jakkon sharply.

"No."

"Good."

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Sally looked at the numbers and lights that flashed across the screen that Rotor was typing at. "Have you found out where Jakkon is yet?"

Rotor shook his head. "No. I've narrowed it down to about three dimensions. First, the Xoandis Dimension. Many creatures of different types live there, including Gargoyles, Demons, Dragons and Zotoots. Second, The Solar System. It's a dimension with nine planets, and only one is inhabited. And it's inhabited enturely by humans. Third, the Froud Dimension. Full of small slimy sluglike craetures."

Sally smiled. "So Jakkon might have gotten his mighty non-wish? To go to a dimension of slugs the size of people?"

Rotor nodded. "Might have."

"What's a . . . Za-toot?" asked Sonic curiously.

"A Zotoot," replied Rotor, is a small furry creature with small legs and long arms. There are about seven different species of Zotoots. And though it's spelled Z-O-T-O-O-T, it's pronounced Zatoot."

Sonic shrugged. "Weird."

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Jakkon peered over Derek's shoulder as he wrote an E-mail message on the Internet. "Who is . . . 'Moa Hunter'?"

Derek looked up. "Oh, Moa goes by other names, too. She goes by Freedom Fighter or Spice, Thyme, Jana and some other really weird ones. She's a friend of mine."

Jakkon raised an eyebrow. "What sort of friend?"

Derek caught Jakkon's glance and shook his head, smiling. "No no no! Not _that_ kind of friend! Besides, she's already having an affair with . . . oh, she told me to keep my mouth shut about that. Tell you later."

There was silence for a moment in the room.

"She is pretty nice though," added Derek.

Jakkon got a knowing smile and walked over to the window. Derek glared and stood up. "Oh, come on! Listen, she is already having a relationship with someone else! And she's happy with it! I wouldn't want to change all that!"

Jakkon shrugged. "Whatever."

There was a knock at the door outside Derek's room. Derek walked over to the door and opened it.

Outside stood four boys. The first had glasses and curly hair. The second was tall with a crew cut. The third was short and stocky with spiky, red hair. The fourth had a coat of brown hair that came down to his nose and completely covered his eyes.

The boy with curly hair nodded. "Hey, Derek."

Derek opened the door and stood back to let them in. "Glad you could make it. I didn't think you wanted to miss this!"

The boy with the long hair spread his arms. "Okay, Genius. We're here. Now what is this _big surprise_ that you told us about on the phone? This must be pretty big for you to get us up in the middle of the night!"

Jakkon walked into the room.

"Aaaaaahhh!" screamed four kids.

Derek smiled. "Everyone, meet Jakkon."

It was a while before anyone spoke. Finally, Jakkon sighed. "If ya keep yer mouths open much longer ya'll begin ta attract flies."

"Wow!" breathed one of them. "It's true!"

Derek nodded. "Down to the very last detail. Colin, Chris, Andrew, Josh . . . meet Jakkon."

Josh brushed some of his hair out of his eyes. "Weird. So when you and I did all those drawings, we were actually drawing a real person."

"Right."

"Weird, yet cool."

"Definitely."

Derek headed over to the computer. "Y'see, Jakkon was accidently transported here when Rotor was working on some new gadget that would let people be able to travel through dimensions. It short-curcuited and zapped Jakkon."

Chris brushed back some of his spikey red hair. "Did it hurt?"

Jakkon shook his head. "Naw. It felt sorta like a sexual orgasm."

"How would you know what a sexual orgasms feels like?" began Andrew.

Jakkon leaned back and grinned.

"Oh!" said everyone in the room.

Colin turned to Derek. "So, if all this confusing stuff is true, with you making everything happen on Mobius, were you writing this happening right now?"

Derek looked embarrased. "Well . . . sort of."

Jakkon brushed his tail. "Oh really?" he said quietly.

Derek gave him a sharp glance. "Oh, can it! I didn't write this!"

"Is that so? Then who did?"

"Look, I'll show you," said Derek, fiddling with the computer.

Derek opened the file titled 'Funkified' and writing filled the screen.

"Funkified?" asked Jakkon.

Derek shrugged. "Eh. I like that word."

"Did you get that from the video game called 'Toejam and Earl?' " asked Chris.

"Naw," said Derek, waving a hand nonchalantly. "That word just popped up a while a go and I liked it."

"Jason Woodall?" smiled Colin. "The same hip dude who uses sentences like "Who gaffed my calculator" and "Who's busting out with the Korn songs"?"

Derek gave him the thumbs up sign. "The very same." He looked back at the screen and pointed. "See? It's not me writing the story!"

On the screen, words were being added to the story, just as Derek spoke. His very words!

It was a while before anyone spoke. "Whoa!" Chris finally said. "_That_ is funkified!"

Chris's words appeared on the screen just as he said them, causing Chris further amazement.

"I wonder if it can pick up thoughts?" said Jakkon. "Okay, I'm going to think something and I'll see if that thing writes it down."

More silence.

Finally, some words flashed across the screen.

"Jerena is sexy," it said.

Derek laughed. "Man, you are like me!"

Josh eyed the screen with obvious distaste. "This is too weird."

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Rotor stood up. "I found out where Jakkon is."

Jerena rushed over, flanked by Sally. "You found him? Oh, thank god!"

Rotor hit a few buttons on his computer that was hooked up to the Dimension Transporter. "There's only one problem. I don't know what went wrong with the Dimension Transporter. That means I can't just reverse it and bring him back.

Jerena sighed and wrung her hands. "I just don't know what to do."

Sally put a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be all right. We'll find a way to get him back. I know we will."

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"I don't know if that's really good or really bad," muttered Jakkon.

"Well," said Derek, "It's good they know where you are and it's bad that they don't know how to get you back."

"Can't you just type in what _you_ want?" asked Andrew hopefully. "Then you could do what you wanted in the story while it was still processing."

Derek swung his chair around and reached for the keyboard. "Let's see."

The second he touched the keyboard there was a loud zap. Electricity sent by the computer crackled and moved through the keyboard and hit Derek with a bolt of power strong enough to knock him out of his seat.

Everyone rushed over to help him up. Derek pointed at the computer. "What the hell whuzzat?"

Words flashed across the screen as the computer replied.

"Enough to fry Mr. Happy off," mutttered Colin.

"Why?"

>You were about to interfere<

"Damn straight!"

"Why are ya doing this?" asked Jakkon.

>I was programmed to write Derek's story<

"And who were ya programmed by?" pressed Jakkon.

>An intersellar travelar named Lockbar Tihiggn<

Jakkon fumed. "That _alien_?!?" he whipped around to face Derek. "Ya remember friend Lockbar?" he said mockingly. "Who ya created?"

"I'm seriously starting to have second thoughts about him," mumbled Derek, running his blackened fingers through his hair.

"Yer telling me!"

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"Ah ha!" cried Rotor, pointing a finger at the screen. "I found our problem!"

"What is it?" asked Sally, looking over his shoulder.

"Apparently, mister Lockbar Tihiggn inserted a small device that, as long as it was inserted, would make the thing short-curcuit."

"But how do we get Jakkon back?" asked Jerena anxiously.

"When the device is removed, everything will reverse," replied Rotor.

Sonic stared up at the sky. "Good. I was beginning to think that this whole fiasco would never end!"

Sally walked over to him slowly. "Well try to look at it from Jerena's place, _dear_. How would you feel if I was accidently transported into an unknown dimension and you didn't know how to get me back?"

Sonic thought for a moment, then replied. "That would suck!" he exclaimed.

Sally nodded. "Yes, it would." With that she walked off.

Sonic watched her go for a moment, then said to himself, "No matter how long you hang around females, you can never understand exactly what they mean by their little comments."

Rotor held up a small metal gadget that looked like a micro chip. "Here, ladies and gentlefurs, is our problem. Now in a few seconds, Jakkon should be transported back here, so be prepared to have all your sanity go out the window."

Jerena swatted the walrus lightly. "And just what do you mean by that?"

"Er, nothing! Oh, look! The transporter is starting up!"

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Jakkon read the words on the computer and straightened up. "Well, I guess I'll be goin' now."

Derek nodded. "Well, good luck. Say hi to Jerena for me."

"I will." Jakkon looked at the assembled boys. "And the lot of ya, keep it safe, huh? If one of ya dies, who knows what might happen ta the Josh or Colin on good ol' Mobius?"

Josh smiled. "Especially considering that I'm your son on Mobius!"

Jakkon peered at him and shook his head. "Weird. That's the bally word ta describe this whole freakin' journey. Weird."

Jakkon turned to Derek. "Well, my alter-egoed friend, can you give me a taste of what will happen in the future?"

Derek turned and grinned evilly. Everyone groaned. "Kidding," said Derek, holding up his hands. "Actually, Jakkon, I can give you a few pointers.

"First of all, Mulgar is coming back, as is Robotnik. Robotnik will rebuild Packbell and your children will discover some information that could doom Knothole. Robotnik will find the location of Knothole. Lockbar Tihiggn and you shall meet again and you shall learn more about him."

Derek took a deep breath. "Whew! Try saying _that_ five times fast!"

Jakkon nodded. "Much obliged."

With that, he disappeared in a flash of light, gone back to Mobius.