Derek J. Barbee
12/10/97

My Definition of Hell

Sorry for the bad title, but I just went through a tiny bit of hell this afternoon after school. Y'see, it was Josh's birthday, so Josh and I, along with Nate, Jason and Colin were all on the bus heading over to his house. After school, the bus stops at a little munchkin school that is about two blocks from Josh's house. So, when we reached the stop, Josh and I got off the bus, followed by Nate, then Jason, then . . . where's Colin?

Colin was, at the moment, still on the bus. The bus driver's saying stuff like: "No, no. We can't let him off here. This isn't his usual stop! He has to have a note or else he can't get off."

Now, I have had this bus driver for a while, and she would put Hitler to shame. She dislikes my friends and I to the point of absurdity. We dislike her back, but she's just doesn't notice.

So, all of us start talking, trying to get the bus driver to let Colin off the bus. I am, by some unspoken scapegoat-organization program, the main spokesperson. It always seems to end up that way, too.

"Can't you just let him off now? C'mon! It's Josh's birthday!" I say, going for a sympathy vote and gesturing to Josh, who is standing there with a look of innocence on his face that would charm the baby birds out of the trees. For some strange reason, this doesn't seem to work on the bus driver.

"I'm sorry, but he has to have a note. If he doesn't have a note and we let him off . . ."

"The world will be a happier place," I finish helpfully.

"No," she says sternly, eyeing me disapprovingly. "If we let him off and something happens to him, we're responsible."

There is a pause at this point.

"So?" I ask.

As a response, the bus driver points down the road. I didn't have the nerve to tell her she was pointing to a parked car as she said: "Didn't you hear about that accident that happened recently?"

"Yeah!" cuts in Colin suddenly, from still on the bus. "It was in a car!"

"We're walking," says Josh, going for the logical strategy and trying to appeal to her sense of reason, if it was in there somewhere. We weren't really sure, but we were hoping.

Sensing he needs to help out, Nate points back and forth to Josh and Colin. "What they said!"

"But someone could swerve off the road and hit you in an accident," protests the bus driver.

"That's what trash cans and mailboxes are for," I say innocently, totally blowing the whole logical thing.

The bus driver frowns, her brain still trying to grasp this concept. "But you could be hurt and the school could be sued."

"Not my problem," mutters Jason, looking off into the distance. "I just wanna get to Josh's house."

I take up the old argument again. "Please, oh mighty bus driver lord, (I honestly thought she was going to smack me after I said this) have mercy and let the poor hostage go. He has done no wrong."

Nate smothers a laugh unsuccessfully, which totally blows my case.

Needless to say, this did not help the bus drivers attitude. And by this time, the delay has attracted other bus drivers. They are coming in like flies to a dead piece of roadkill (Come to think of it, I haven't heard of a live piece of roadkill.). One of the other bus drivers pulls out a cellular phone, mentioning something about calling the school.

I tell her that we could just call Josh's mom and get her to verify that she knows what's going on. "Everyone knows where we are! I know where I am! My friends who aren't going to the party know where I am! My parents know where I am! My little pet iguana Morton knows where I am! The FBI knows where I am! The fishes in the river know . . ."

The bus driver with the cellular phone politely tells me to shut up. I do so, but very reluctantly.

Until this time, one of the bus drivers has been looking at me strangely. Now it finally dawns on her and gives her the impulse to point a finger the size of a sausage in my face, which is a very frightening experience, I can tell you. "Hey! He doesn't ride the bus either!"

My brain is going: "Poopoopoopoopoopoo," at the moment, so I grin weakly and try to hide behind a nearby fire hydrant. I suck at hide and go seek, and my skills today are no different.

The bus drivers immediately go into a huddle and discuss how many different ways they could torture us. We are left standing a few feet away in silence. Josh looks at me and bites his lip, using his pouting experience. "I have to go to the bathroom."

For some strange reason, that is incredibly funny to all of us. We all crack up even more when we look up through the bus window and see Colin mock-hanging himself by grabbing the collar of his shirt and pinning it to the ceiling of the bus. He sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth and rolls his eyes back in his head, slowly swinging back and forth.

I didn't hear the bus drivers yell 'Break' and clap their hands, but suddenly, we are surrounded by them once again, which is kind of unnerving, when you think of how many doughnuts could be consumed in one sitting by this group that now surrounds us. I'm beginning to think we should've made a break for it.

The meaty one tells us that they have the situation under control (Yeah. Right.) and are going to call the school. Why, I have no idea. One tells me to bear with them, that I'll be in this position some day, too. I tell her as politely as possible that there is no way in hell that I would ever want to be a bus driver. I glance over at Jason. He is looking down at his watch and I see little numbers whizzing by. He is timing this whole thing.

Marvelous.

One of the more irritable bus drivers tells us that we are delaying them with all these sarcastic comments. "Let us go and we won't take any more of your time!" I reply hopefully. No go. Ah, well, it was worth a try.

I take this short recess from hell to go and make faces at all the little kids looking at me from inside the bus. This must look pretty odd from inside the bus. When the bus drivers have finished talking about all their favorite TV shows for the past twenty years, they finally tell us the decree. Colin and I are going to get back on the bus and drive back to the school. We'll settle things there. The head honcho, big overlord lady Michelle is waiting for us. Peachy keen.

Michelle is a big, tough, short, stocky lady (And plenty of other adjectives) who is a little policeman who patrols the schools. And she is no one that you would want to run into on a dark night, especially if you did something wrong.

So, we get back on the bus and head immediately back the way we came. Colin is talking to another friend of ours named Garet who is still on the bus going to his stop. We tell him what's happening and he starts yelling up at the bus driver.

"Great! Just great! I'm gonna be late now! How many Psychos besides myself are there in this town? Not many! What do you think is gonna happen? The house is two blocks away! Two stinkin' blocks! Do you think that there is some guy driving down the street thinking that he's gonna run over two kids, but one has to have brown, curly hair, and the other one has to be wearing a funky hat and have blonde hair, and they have to be walking to a friends house who's having a party, but if a single one of those things is wrong, I won't do it! Huh? Is that what you think?"

Needless to say, Garet has just collapsed of exhaustion and set the record for yelling the longest amount of time without taking a single breath. While Colin is trying to revive him, I address all the other kids on the bus, a large, disgusting grin on my face. "Hey everyone! How are y'all doin'? Good? Good. 'Cause I'm makin' all of you guys late! Ha ha!"

They finally drop us off at the school, with me making one more comment: "Maybe we just should've taken a taxi. Or would they have asked me for a note, too?"

Colin jerks his thumb at a passing car trying to hitchhike. The guy gives him a strange look and keeps going.

When we finally get in the school, Michelle turns to us. "Okay, guys. You know the school policy. You all know it. Ms. Tovani, what exactly are the terms of the policy?" she asks the vice principal, suddenly forgetting about us.

Colin blinks as Michelle suddenly diverts her attention to Ms. Tovani, mouthing to me: "Nice policy."

When Michelle finally comes back, we get a nice little lecture about how we should get a note in advance if we know we're coming on the bus we don't usually take. We nod obediently and pretended that we are absorbing every single word she says. If you are a kid, you must learn this technique. It's vital to your survival.

Just when we think we're off the hook, the bus driver comes in. The look on her face sets off an alarm in my head. She turns to Michelle, looking irritated. "Michelle, I'm just doing my job and I don't want to be bothered. This whole thing is just too much. And these two boys and their friends were making sarcastic comments the whole time." She eyes me as she says this. "There was one parting joke with something about a taxi and that was it."

Michelle thanks her and she leaves. Safe only moments before, Colin and I are now nervous. Michelle has her back to us and is silent. She finally turns around and glares at me sternly, arms crossed.

"Were you being a smart-ass?"

I grin weakly. "Well, you know . . ."

"Honestly, Derek." "Alright, maybe a bit!" I admit loudly. "Because this whole thing is really aggravating, and when I get annoyed, I get sarcastic."

She stares at me with an unidentifiable look. I can't tell if she's pissed or if she bought it.

She finally sighs and nods to the door. "You can go now. Josh's mom is coming to pick you up."

We pick up our things (which seem a lot heavier now) and head for the door. On the way out, Michelle calls after us: "Have fun at the party!"

Colin just looks straight ahead. "Thanks," he mutters under his breath with a plastic smile on his face.

We get outside and throw down our stuff to wait. "This whole thing is pathetic," Colin grumbles to me. "Just simply pathetic."

I nod my agreement. "Well, nothing in life is totally sane. This just seems to . . cross the line."

Colin looks down at the deserted road, then back to the office, which is right behind us. Calmly, he sits down in the road. "I think I'll just sit here for a while."

Looking waaaayyy down the road, I see a car about 100 yards away. "Look out!" I scream,"a car!"

We both start laughing.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is MY definition of hell.

[Navigator]