Derek J. Barbee
11/28/97

Thanksgiving

Well, everybody, Thanksgiving has returned like a corny monster from an old horror movie, as it does every year. I'm not saying it's a bad thing; it's kinda cool . . . but hey . . . Thanksgiving could be a lot different from the traditional stereotype we have now.

For instance, why do we have turkey at Thanksgiving? Why not Chicken? Or sausage? Or sweet and sour pork? No vegetarian meals, though. I didn't get to the top of the food chain just to become a vegetarian.

But what I'm saying is, what if the turkey had been off somewhere else while them crazy pilgrims was looking for dinner on Thanksgiving? The turkey's off playing cards with the bear, while all those stupid hunters are outside scratching their heads. Can't you just see that?

"Dang, Phil! Can't seem to find nuthin' out here!"

"Yer right, Fred! Let's move on! Maybe we can find us a moose!"

The turkey smugly looks out a window from the bear's den, snickering.

"I'll take two, Mr. Bear."

Then the pilgrims might have found something different to eat. We might be eating wild chicken on thanksgiving, or bobcat! (Maybe even grubs and roots if the pilgrims couldn't find nothin!) Can't you imagine that? 1997, and old Pa says to Ma: "I'm going up to the woods out back to find us our Thanksgivin' dinner!"

The little boy jumps up into his fathers arms, saying: "Cool, Pa! Are ya gonna bag us a Brown Bear today?"

"Nay, son, I'm gonna find a raccoon. It's Thanksgiving, after all. You always gotta have raccoon on Thanksgiving! It's tradition!"

Anybody here know what our state bird is? *looks around* Anybody? All right. It's the quail. The little teeny bird with the little dangly thing waving from its head every time it moves. Well, if Benjamin Franklin had had has way . . . our state bird would be the turkey, not just the president.

*smiles innocently* There! You see how different Thanksgiving could have been? it could have been a religious holiday if the pilgrims had seen angels instead of Indians! It could have been all out UFO sighting day if aliens had landed and eaten with the pilgrims!

"Hey, Herbie! Don't look now, but that weird blue one is eatin' through his armpit!"

"Awww, sick!"

"Pass the potatoes, please."

Or maybe if the pilgrims were cannibals? That would be flat out cerazy nowadays. Go next door and shoot your neighbor for your thanksgiving dinner. At least it ould help overpopulation.

"Hey ma! Go and get the barbeque! I got a big one!"

"Uncle Bob! On your left! Guy with a gun!"

*POW*

"Get 'im, Jimmy!"

*BANG*

*CRACK*

Every Thanksgiving a shootout. Okay, that would be a little over the line. But have a happy Thanksgiving, y'all! Watch out for your neighbor! You know he's been bringing you little snacks to get you good and fat, come thanksgiving time!

Enjoy your dinner . . . but not too much. Just think of your neighbor that you don't like . . .

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