Things to Do in The Mall

Explanation: A friend had a crazy idea to go into the mall with a video camera and do crazy things. Now that I think about it, it's sorta like Tom Green (only we try not to get arrested). Well, here's a list of funky things to do in the Mall with a video camera. Usually, one person stays back (try not to get too close, but close enough to hear) with the camera and the other does the funky thing. Some of these are a lot better with multiple people, so those will be marked with a group button. And remember, it's best to have a totally serious face when doing all of this. If they think you're joking, it's lost. Oh, and in the elevator ones, it's best to have a small camera, but if you have a big one, have it hanging off your shoulder, looking off in the other direction, like you don't know it's on and recording. Don't forget to make sure it's aimed the right way.


1. If you see one or two peple standing there looking around, walk up to one of them and start petting their shoulder. After a moments (or when they start staring at you funny), you stop, look up at them as if seeing them for the first time, blink and start apoligizing rapidly. "Oh, geez. I'm so sorry, I didn't know that . . . oh, wow . . . I'm sorry . . . really . . ." After a few moments of heartfelt apology, stumble off.

2. Go stand in a fairly large line to get food, then, after a moment look over at the person next to you, and act surprised. Point at them, a friendly smile on your face. "Hey! Didn't I buy crack from you once? No, really! I know that face! The mustache and everything!" When they start protesting, frown and look at them carefully. "Sure it wasn't you? You got a twin or somethin'?" When everyone else is starting to look, look around at all of them, open your mouth in an 'oh' and wink at the person. "Gotcha. Don't worry buddy, your secret's safe with me." Then, any time the person looks at you after that, smile knowingly or wink at them.

3. Go with a group of several people to a fairly quiet place, but hopefully where there are a lot of people. Sit down at a table near as many people as possible, then all start talking in hushed voices. The voices slowly get louder until someone yells: "No! We're not gonna kill him!" The second the person says it, everyone else tells them to shut up really quickly. Everyone at the table stops and looks around furtively, then wordlessly gets up and makes a beeline for the door.

4. Go up to a person who is holding recently bought food. Pretend like you're doing a survey, and have the camera up close this time. Here it would be best to have a microphone, so you can have them talk into it. "Hi, we're doing a survey. Where did you buy that food?" When they respond, you look surprised. "Oh! (store name)'s! That's where they make it out of rat . . . um . . . thank you for your info." Then walk away quickly before they can ask any questions.

5. Walk up to someone (best sitting down) and just stare. Stare like you're confused, then switch to amazed, then understanding, nod and walk away. No words required. If they ask you something, jsut shake your head and keep staring until you finish and leave.

6. Do a collection thing, carrying around big signs and collection cups. Go up to someone and adopt a heartfelt expression, like one of those collection people. "Hi, I'm collecting for the Save the Abused Albino Pygmy Squirrels Foundation. Did you know that throughout the world, small children hunt and mutilate poor innocent little Albino Pygmy Squirrels? I mean, come on, nobody likes a white squirrel! But let's save them!" Shake the cup in their face if they hesistate. (The key to this is to make it so absurd sounding that they WON'T give you money, because then you could get arrested for scamming, and that would be bad).

7. Lie on a bench, arms loose, grotesque pose, pretending to be dead. Put a small can next to you on the bench with a sign on it saying: "Dead and Not Loving It." See if anybody gives you money. Have one person sitting back in the background with the camera, catching the people's expressions as they go by.

8. Do a survey, once again with the camera and microphone up close. "Hi, sir. We're doing a survey. What do you think about excessive flatulence?" When they try to respond, use the whoopee coushin (or any fart maker) that you have been hiding behind your back the whole time, keeping a totally serious face. Take their answer, nod solemnly, thank them and walk off.

The Mall Elevator

9. Have a group of people, and when you're alone in the elevator, count to three and when it starts going down, have everbody scream at the same time, all cutting off at the same time in another three seconds. When the elevator door opens at the bottom and if there's any people there (probably staring), look around, confused, like you're wondering where all those sounds were coming from.

10. When there's one or two other people in the elevator (it would be perfect if there were a ton) hold a whoopee coushin behind you, pinning it between you and the wall. At one point, lean back slowly on it, getting a lovely noise and making everybody in the elevator look around. If they look at you, shrug and mention that it's a glandular problem.

11. One there is one person in the elevator with you, lean over and grin widely at them and announce that you're wearing new socks. Lean back into place and waggle your eyebrows again, getting a very proud expression onyour face. The person with the camera sighs and puts a hand on your shoulder, mouthing something like "He's alright" to the person.

12. When there's one or two people in there, look in your backpack (sack, pocket, purse, anything) and say in an urgently hushed voice. "Shoot. He needs some air. We gotta hurry up. Don't worry buddy, we're almost there!" Have both of you looking very stressed, occasionally looking in the bag. Sigh and nod to the people, but don't offer any answers.


So there you have it. Those are some ideas. If you people have any other good ones, send 'em in and maybe one day we'll do all of these, then upload the movies so you can see what happened.