Solving the Energy Crisis

By Robert L. Rush

I warned you this was coming, but you weren't paying attention, and now it's too late. The Clinton Administration, with their "I'd rather wank interns than work on policy" energy policy, has pushed this nation to the precipice of an energy crisis of biblical proportions which threatens our national security and the economy. Every day prices climb while we writhe under OPEC's boot, begging for mercy. And every day OPEC laughs and grinds their heel deeper.

Al Gore has responded to the crisis by spouting the same old green-blooded, tree-hugging drivel about conservation and alternative energy. Like everyone's supposed to go down and trade in their SUV for a rice burner with a windmill on top. My good friend George W. Bush has countered with a bold proposal for increased domestic production and exploration, including drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Of course this proposal has the environmental extremists up in arms, whining about the rights of the caribou. Hey, I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any caribou having to shell out two bucks a gallon at the pump. I say let's do it, and if the caribou don't like it we'll hang their antlers in the halls of Congress.

While this proposal goes a long way toward alleviating the problem, I fear it doesn't go far enough. While this proposal will greatly decrease our dependence on foreign oil, it doesn't eliminate it. I think it's obvious there is only one way to eliminate our dependence on foreign oil, and that's to eliminate the foreigners. Peacefully if possible, but by any means necessary to insure the uninterrupted flow of this nation's vital natural fluids. And who's oil is it, really? Who explored and exploited those oil fields in the first place? American companies. And when Saddam Hussein started turning the Gulf into his own personal candelabra, who went over there and kicked his ass? That's right, America. That's our oil and it's time it was returned to it's rightful owner.

WAKE UP AMERICA! I know the liberal whiners will wet their pants over this, crying "You can't wage war for oil". I say if you can't wage war over oil then what's the point of having a war at all. We've got the greatest military force in the history of the world sitting around on their hands. We've got a nuclear arsenal capable of turning the Middle East into a desert you could read by. We're a goddamn Superpower, damn it, and it's time we started acting like one and quit getting sand kicked in our face by third world backwaters like Venezuela and Nigeria. The United States of America has a proud history of doing whatever it takes to secure our place as the greatest nation on earth and it's time we settled this issue once and for all.

Because it's Right

Because it's the Truth

Because I said so!

The opinions expressed on this site do not represent those of the author or of any person living or dead. This is a political parody site intended as satire. Anyone finding themselves in agreement with the opinions expressed on this site is encouraged to immediately seek professional help .