"It's My PD And I'll Cry If I Want To"

7/27/98

"It's My PD And I'll Cry If I Want To"

The bag of popcorn and large soft-drink dangled precariously from the man's trembling hands as he willed his slouching body to move forward in the darkness. No one paid attention to him standing in the aisle at the back of the theater. As the previews began to roll across the movie screen, he scanned the rows for his girlfriend knowing he would be unable to find her until his eyes adjusted to the poor lighting and/or he became "unstuck". Laughter from the people around him fed his fears as he wobbled there in the dark.

"Chris!" came the loud whisper, "over here". As he spotted her, his body moved forward in a shuffle that, along with a sloping floor, increased in speed as he reached their row. As he braced himself quickly against the row ahead of them, the soft-drink fell onto the empty theater seat just in front of them as the popcorn scattered at his feet. Hoping the event went unnoticed, he scooted into the aisle seat (he didn't dare sit anywhere else for fear someone would sit between him and his bathroom-access). Luckily, his girlfriend, Ann (the youngest daughter of the O'Reksia family just down the street from Chris' folks) understood this and saved that seat for him.

"I left you at the concession stand five minutes ago and....Chris, did you forget our food?" she asked. "No" he said (realizing that he was developing a knack for creating new lies about his situation at a moment's notice) "I changed my mind at the last minute". "It's just as well" she whispered to him, "I wasn't very hungry anyway". She had a knack for lies too, he thought, as the movie began.

They'd met early in Chris' initial diagnosis of PD. When he told her the news, their relationship was just getting off the ground. Ann's heart went out to him and both of them, beginners in learning about the disease, had vowed "to get through this together". Now, three years later, their relationship showed serious signs of trouble from this "elephant in the living room that no one wants to talk about". An elephant that they'd chosen "to just try and shuffle around".

Driving had become a problem for Chris to contend with since the dyskinesia, uncontrolled muscular movements, and bradykinesia, lack of movement, had now become a part of his waking hours (the medication his neurologist prescribed was the best available drug but the inevitable side effects were getting harder to cope with). Ann realized that Chris' ego would not admit to needing someone else behind the wheel. She'd learned to bite her tongue when he took turns a little too wide or seemed to be having problems braking smoothly. He rarely buckled up anymore due to the difficulty in fastening the seatbelt and had gotten angry with Ann at times for "harping on the subject".

The progression of the disease weighed heavily on most of his waking thoughts. He didn't want to be looked on as "disabled" now or anytime in the near future. He would on occasionally ask her outright for her thoughts on his worsening condition.

"Chris, I don't see you as any different because of the PD" Ann had told him more than once. He didn't understand how this could be true since he was focused on his symptoms and side-effects with an perverse intensity. He had managed to hide all but one of his "bathroom accidents" from Ann so far. He usually took his medicine faithfully when she was around in an effort to always look his best. Only later in the evening, when he was alone in his apartment, would his body writhe and twist from the medication. He'd even cut himself while trying to use a toothbrush in this state but hadn't mentioned it to Ann at that time.

The movie was nothing special but Chris enjoyed dates when he could sit in the dark for hours without a need to be "on" and make conversation. He took some of his meds about midway through the movie but didn't feel anything yet. As the credits rolled across the screen, Chris said, "Let's go, I need to use the bathroom". Ann said, "Go ahead, I'll be there shortly. I want to see who performed the music".

Chris, now caught up in the throng of people, shuffled along bumping into the occasional person as the crowd made its way toward the exits. He tried not to think of his drunken appearance as he stumbled into the Mens Room. All the wall urinals had people waiting so Chris pushed his way into the nearest stall (he refused to use the Handicapped one....so far). While fumbling with his pants in a frantic effort, Chris had a small but noticeable accident. Ann had handled this allright once before so Chris cleaned up as best he could and stumbled out to the lobby.

Ann was leaving the theater talking to a young man who was sharing a laugh with her over something. Chris, walking towards them and fearing the worst, turned and stumbled back into the bathroom where he hid in a stall and began to cry in self-pity.

The young man asked "Was that someone you know?...he acted like he knew you". Ann, fighting back tears, said "No, I don't know him" and realized she didn't.



		7/27/98 "It's My PD And I'll Cry If I Want To" The bag of popcorn and large soft-drink dangled precariously from the man's trembling hands as he willed his slouching body to move forward in the darkness. No one paid attention to him standing in the aisle at the back of the theater. As the previews began to roll across the movie screen, he scanned the rows for his girlfriend knowing he would be unable to find her until his eyes adjusted to the poor lighting and/or he became "unstuck". Laughter from the people around him fed his fears as he wobbled there in the dark. "Chris!" came the loud whisper, "over here". As he spotted her, his body moved forward in a shuffle that, along with a sloping floor, increased in speed as he reached their row. As he braced himself quickly against the row ahead of them, the soft-drink fell onto the empty theater seat just in front of them as the popcorn scattered at his feet. Hoping the event went unnoticed, he scooted into the aisle seat (he didn't dare sit anywhere else for fear someone would sit between him and his bathroom-access). Luckily, his girlfriend, Ann (the youngest daughter of the O'Reksia family just down the street from Chris' folks) understood this and saved that seat for him. "I left you at the concession stand five minutes ago and....Chris, did you forget our food?" she asked. "No" he said (realizing that he was developing a knack for creating new lies about his situation at a moment's notice) "I changed my mind at the last minute". "It's just as well" she whispered to him, "I wasn't very hungry anyway". She had a knack for lies too, he thought, as the movie began. They'd met early in Chris' initial diagnosis of PD. When he told her the news, their relationship was just getting off the ground. Ann's heart went out to him and both of them, beginners in learning about the disease, had vowed "to get through this together". Now, three years later, their relationship showed serious signs of trouble from this "elephant in the living room that no one wants to talk about". An elephant that they'd chosen "to just try and shuffle around". Driving had become a problem for Chris to contend with since the dyskinesia, uncontrolled muscular movements, and bradykinesia, lack of movement, had now become a part of his waking hours (the medication his neurologist prescribed was the best available drug but the inevitable side effects were getting harder to cope with). Ann realized that Chris' ego would not admit to needing someone else behind the wheel. She'd learned to bite her tongue when he took turns a little too wide or seemed to be having problems braking smoothly. He rarely buckled up anymore due to the difficulty in fastening the seatbelt and had gotten angry with Ann at times for "harping on the subject". The progression of the disease weighed heavily on most of his waking thoughts. He didn't want to be looked on as "disabled" now or anytime in the near future. He would on occasionally ask her outright for her thoughts on his worsening condition. "Chris, I don't see you as any different because of the PD" Ann had told him more than once. He didn't understand how this could be true since he was focused on his symptoms and side-effects with an perverse intensity. He had managed to hide all but one of his "bathroom accidents" from Ann so far. He usually took his medicine faithfully when she was around in an effort to always look his best. Only later in the evening, when he was alone in his apartment, would his body writhe and twist from the medication. He'd even cut himself while trying to use a toothbrush in this state but hadn't mentioned it to Ann at that time. The movie was nothing special but Chris enjoyed dates when he could sit in the dark for hours without a need to be "on" and make conversation. He took some of his meds about midway through the movie but didn't feel anything yet. As the credits rolled across the screen, Chris said, "Let's go, I need to use the bathroom". Ann said, "Go ahead, I'll be there shortly. I want to see who performed the music". Chris, now caught up in the throng of people, shuffled along bumping into the occasional person as the crowd made its way toward the exits. He tried not to think of his drunken appearance as he stumbled into the Mens Room. All the wall urinals had people waiting so Chris pushed his way into the nearest stall (he refused to use the Handicapped one....so far). While fumbling with his pants in a frantic effort, Chris had a small but noticeable accident. Ann had handled this allright once before so Chris cleaned up as best he could and stumbled out to the lobby. Ann was leaving the theater talking to a young man who was sharing a laugh with her over something. Chris, walking towards them and fearing the worst, turned and stumbled back into the bathroom where he hid in a stall and began to cry in self-pity. The young man asked "Was that someone you know?...he acted like he knew you". Ann, fighting back tears, said "No, I don't know him" and realized she didn't.