Ecconomics/Politics
The Great Gumby Coverup
by Gordon Williams
Recently, I was wondering why we never see Gumby on TV anymore.
Or if we did occasionally catch a rerun, it was always a non controversial
episode. I called the general manager of KQED and demanded an explanation.
He told me that this was a family station and he would never have that little
aberration on their channel.
At this point I was getting quite suspicious. I flew to Washington and saw
a Senator Quentin Kopp. I asked him flatly why is Gumby being suppressed?
He went into an ardent frenzy. He told me that they had a file on me a foot
thick and that he has a resolution on the floor to keep Gumby out of the
schools.
That is when I knew there was a conspiracy and it went all the way back
to the White House. Under the Freedom of Information Act, I wrote the FBI
and requested all files on Gumby and his Pony Pal Pokey.
Two agents appeared at my door three weeks later and shuffled me into the
back of a black sedan. They told me that J. Edgar Hoover had the file on
Gumby sealed until 2079 and that they were "worried" about my
"health" staying up late worrying about a little green piece of
clay. They then threw me out of the moving car into the blackberry bushes
approximately two miles from my home.
Undaunted, I obtained a press pass and attended a Network Convention where
syndicated television shows, past and present, are sold. Needless to say,
there was no Gumby booth on the floor. I approached an executive from NBC
and asked why he wasn't shopping for some Gumby programs. He screamed "SECURITY,"
hid his face in his hat and ran off. I was carried outside by four off duty
LAPD officers. These goons took me out into the alley and with a stun gun
in the groin and a few well-placed jack boots to my kidneys proceeded to
rearrange my aural topography. Through a friend at the Screen Actors Guild
in Hollywood, California, I made contact with a former associate-manager
of KCOP, channel 13, in Los Angeles. A so-called hotbed of Gumby sympathizers.
For his safety and that of his family I can only refer to him as Mr. X.
He was blacklisted during a joint operation of the FBI and the CIA, code-named
"Greenhorn."
I agreed to have a clandestine meeting with Mr. X at Griffith Park in Los
Angeles. He was chain-smoking and looking over his shoulder nervously. I
assured him that none of the homeless people or wandering mariachis were
wearing white socks (a sure sign of a G-Man). He seemed to relax.
I showed him what evidence I had that there was a conspiracy to suppress
the little hunk of ardent plasma. But the question was "Why"?
Because he is green? He told me I was close, real close. In the late '60s
Gumbology was producing an angular metamorphosis in society. Nixon was afraid
that his constituents would be freed from dogmatic asphyxia and see through
his myopic autocracy. Gumby was Green before it was politically correct,
thus breaking the color barrier into a million pieces. So Milhouse Nixon
ordered E. Howard Hunt to break into the film library at KCOP and to seize
Gumby episodes that were considered subversive. These tapes are being held
at Iron Mountain in West Virginia under tight security.
Gumby had the kinetic energy to walk into any book and interact with the
characters. This only could induce young people to read and that could be
dangerous! Gumby is asexual, thus freeing humanity from scrotal perplexity
and virginal justification. We would never again be forced to make obeisance
before Elvis Presley's franchised buns, as Gumby doesn't even have buns.
If this little green bolshevik was allowed to spread his infested programing,
people would be free of dogmatic asphyxia. Gumby can be whipped, beaten
and nailed to a cross and when you're finished, he just keeps smiling and
smooths out the scars with a putty knife.
Gumby was the quintessence of Zen with the highest neurological plasticity
on the planet. How could Americans be duped into supporting the status quo
with someone this flexible stirring things up? An emboweled autocracy can't
exist with Gumby's intentional permutation.
Since I first broke this story, I have been under constant harassment by
the CIA, my phone is tapped, and I am being audited by the IRS. Although
several attempts have been made on my life, the truth must be told.