SHIT TALKS
by Kenny Lee Kollerer
Awakened before dawn by frantic readers we were appraised that
one of massive turds released into the Russian River by Santa Rosa had been
captured and was willing to talk. We had a rare opportunity there and needed
an expert interpreter. This turd was showing all the signs of rational organization
and the desire to communicate. We needed a local politician because they
can talk a lot more shit than nearly anyone in these parts. Unfortunately,
the local politicians were all very, very busy for a change and didn't have
time to discuss the whopper turd caught in the Russian River.
They were downtown lobbying on behalf of another forty thousand housing
starts for Rhonert Park. The mayor's office directed us on to the Water
Commission, reminding us that when it comes to talking shit, the Commissioner
is the great communicator. Everyone in his office was up in Lake County
looking for a new river to use. Only the promise of the most magnificent
of granddaddy turds got a lesser official out to the scene of the capture.
Commissioner: Golly, that's a fine looking loaf you've got glistening in
the sun there. What's its name?
Turd: I told them I wouldn't talk 'till I saw my commanding
officer.
North Coast X-Press: We thought you might be able to identify this turd
for us. It says it's from city hall.
C: I've never seen this turd before in my life.
T: You know me, sir. I'm Pooky. Remember me? I grew up in the pipe under
city hall.
NCX: That's where the whoppers come from, all right. T: You waved to me
when you flushed the holding pond into the river. Remember, you said, "Bye
bye, Pooky, I'm counting on you. Don't dally at the Bohemian Club or talk
to any reporters!"
C: I'm not gonna stand here and have some turd, however magnificent, implicate
me. If this is some shoddy trick by you crafty X-Press reporters, my lawyers
will call you.
NCX:How are you feeling about your recent capture by these brave women?
T: I wasn't expecting it. I was ready for the EPA, OSHA, and Ralph Nader,
but three broads with a plunger, the Commissioner never warned me about.
Not even a whopper can handle that kind of action. They just kept saying,
"Pull out the big ones so the little ones can keep traveling."
NCX:How'd you get so big?
T: I was luckier than a lot of other little flushes. I got started under
city hall from a prominent bureaucrat, so I was big for my age all along.
I stuck in the second-story commode for a few weeks and caught frequent
glimpses of the finest political moves in this county. So I studied politics
'till I was big enough to be pumped. From there I just slithered under the
downtown MacDonald's after lunch on a Friday afternoon, and stuck around
'till Monday morning. Did I do some growing downtown! Whew! You could say
my life was blessed with bounty. One fine day I washed up in the Llano Road
holding pond. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I was the biggest loaf
in the moat. Only one pipe buster from Rhonert Park could hold a match to
me.
NCX:What holds your mass so rigid and firm?
T: That was another lucky break. I slid in with a terrific bunch of chemicals
dumped illegally near the county farm, and they can do most anything. Wanna
see me pollute the living shit out of something?
NCX: No! No! You don't have to do it for us. You're doing just fine like
you are. You're not afraid of much, are you?
T: Not till those three women with the plungers finished my career . . .
and . . . well, I got bad vibes from these people up and down the river.
NCX: It won't be so bad once you get out into the ocean.
T: That's another thing that bothers me. These warm western currents. Sharks,
you know. And even if I escape the sharks, think what would happen to me
if Greenpeace caught me. Whew!
NCX: Well, what do you want to do? T: I want to go home, back to Santa Rosa
where I was raised. I want to float lazily in the summer sun of the holding
pond, float in the Laguna Campgrounds. You know, freedom, self-determination!
I want to grow bigger and bigger forever. I was really looking forward to
another forty thousand housing starts. That holding tank is going to be
jumping. But here I am, down the river and fished out before I even got
to party at the Bohemian Club. I was kinda looking forward to Monte Rio,
too. I've heard some pretty nice things about the Pink Elephant.
NCX: Well, they betrayed us all when they sent you down the river.
T: I hardly had a chance to kill my limit of steelhead.
NCX: Well, Pooky, life can be disappointing sometimes.
T: I know. I wish the city council was here.
NCX:Why?
T: I think I want to go back to the womb.
NCX: Well, Pooky, we'll put your story in the North Coast X-Press and draw
the council a map so they'll know where to put it.
T: What's going to become of me?
NCX: We'll probably award you to the mayor or some other big swell. Maybe
we'll rent you out for special occasions.