FIVE GOOD REASONS WHY SADDAM HUSSEIN SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.
Republicans goofed: They should have appointed Saddam Hussein as new Speaker of the House, the Libertarian Party gratuitously advised.
"Saddam would have been the Mother of all House Speakers--and might have given the Republicans a fighting chance against their mutual enemy, the Great Satan, Bill Clinton," argued the Libertarian Party's director of communications, Bill Winter.
"By not making Saddam Speaker of the House, Republicans missed a great opportunity to reverse their political fortunes and end America's longest-running foreign policy blunder, all at the same time."
Need convincing? Here are the Top Five reasons why Saddam Hussein should have been the Republicans' new Speaker of the House:
(5) In stark contrast to the bumbling Republicans, Saddam has the ability to effortlessly out-negotiate Bill Clinton.
"When it comes to budget negotiations with Clinton, the smart bombs we dropped in the Gulf War were apparently smarter than Republicans--as the recent $500 billion omnibus spending bill demonstrated," said Winter.
"Over the past six years, every time Newt Gingrich tried to negotiate with the President, Newt would surrender faster than an Iraqi soldier. Bill Clinton would pick Newt's pocket, raid his refrigerator, short-sheet his bed, hide his TV remote control, and boost federal spending. By contrast, around Saddam, Clinton appears more gullible than a 21-year-old intern."
(4) Like Republicans, Saddam has no ideology except a fervent desire to stay in power.
"When it comes to ideology, the Republican Congress is a 'No Fly Zone.' Republicans are so bad that they've even increased federal spending faster than the previous Democratic Congresses," noted Winter. "Republicans hate principles more than Saddam hates Kurdish rebels--so Saddam will be right at home in Baghdad on the Potomac."
(3) Like Republicans, Saddam has spent years trying to increase America's military spending.
"There's nothing Republicans like better than boosting military spending, and there's nothing that Saddam likes better than giving them excuses to do so," said Winter. "For example, Saddam helped us waste $600 million on the most recent Persian Gulf military build-up, and another $1.2 billion on the build-up in June.
"As Speaker of the House, Saddam could make sure military spending soars higher than a scud missile--well beyond the typical Republican waste, like the $50 million they budgeted this year to buy Viagra for U.S. troops and retirees."
(2) Saddam has a long history of helping Republicans.
"Saddam's little Gulf War helped make President George Bush (for a time) the most popular president in U.S. history with a 92% approval rating-something every Republican political consultant said was impossible. Saddam even named his best army divisions 'The Republican Guard.' "
(1) And the #1 reason why Republicans should have appointed Saddam Hussein as new Speaker of the House: He's more popular than Newt Gingrich.
"And if that's not enough, Saddam is also smarter than Dan Quayle, has more political experience than Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, has a nicer beret than Monica Lewinsky, and has committed fewer crimes than Bill and Hillary Clinton," noted Winter.
"Republicans, do the right thing! Turn your Republican Revolution into a Republican Jihad-- and make Saddam Hussein the next Speaker of the House!"
--from NEWS FROM THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY 2600 Virginia Avenue, NW, Suite 100 Washington DC 20037 < http://www.lp.org/>