Much Ado About...Something?
                       A Humorous Essay/Parody by 
                             Dawson E. Rambo

Disclaimer : Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Walter Skinner and any
other tangentially mentioned characters created by Chris Carter
remain his copyrighted property, the property of 1013 Productions,
and the property of Fox Television, a unit of 20th Century Fox,
Inc. No infringement of any copyright is intended. Characters
created by the author remain his property.

Original Post  :  July 8, 1997
Archive Entry  :  "Much Ado About...Something?"
Classification :  Humor/Parody
Rating         :  PG (Adult themes)
Archive        :  Any public accessible server.
Feedback       :  All feedback (good or bad) to: drambo@sonic.net

ENJOY!
------------------------

I tend not to read alt.tv.x-files. It seems, sometimes, to be nothing 
more than a never-ending junior-high school lunchroom discussion about 
which rock group is better than another, who `likes' whom, and whether 
or not that mean `ol teacher Mr. Carter is going to give a really, 
really hard test, or just a really hard one. 

But it's the summer, and I find myself with some actual vacation time on 
my hands, and I decided to peruse the newsgroup again to see if I could 
pick up any rumors about the movie, the fifth season, or just the 
general state of X-Philedom.

I need to stop here and point out a few things. I am a shipper. ("Hello, 
I'm Dawson R., and I'm a Shipper." Crowd: "Hello, Dawson.") I am also, 
in conjunction with that and separate from it totally, a hopeless 
romantic. The reason I am bringing this up will become clear in a 
moment.

I ran across a thread that was another flavor of the "Do They Or Don't 
They" variety. You know what I'm talking about. The Eternal Question. 
Well, there could be an argument made that there are several Eternal 
Questions when it comes to "The X-Files," amongst them the always-
favorite-but-no-less-vapid "Is CSM Mulder's father?" or "Is the Blonde 
UN Chick Samantha?" I'm talking about The Big One here, folks.

Is there UST? For the uninitiated, UST is the Philes shorthand for 
"Unresolved Sexual Tension." 

There seems to be a few different schools of thought on the entire UST 
issue. There are those that are 100% sure that it exists, that can point 
to specific episodes, scenes and lines of scripted dialog. There are 
those that think it may be there, like aliens, but can't prove it. It's 
something so invisible, so mysterious that they would like it to be 
there, but if prodded to cite an example they just throw up their 
virtual hands and give the `ol "Well, if it ain't, it oughta be!" 
answer. And then there are those that deny it exists, that say the 
relationship between Mulder and Scully, while complex, invigorating and 
at times downright confounding, is nothing more than a highly-developed 
case of  "brother-sister affection."

Allow me at this time to send a raspberry to those that think nothing 
exists between Our Favorite Duo. Several immediate scenes come to mind, 
as well as some deeper investigation of the scenes, the below-the-
surface stuff that both sides seem to love to use. So, your honor, with 
your permission, the defense would like to present its case.

The next part of this essay is delivered as a courtroom transcript. 

Cast of characters:
ME:	Moi, the defense attorney. Think of that cute guy in "A Time To 
	Kill."
P:	Prosecuting Attorney. Think of a large cockroach wearing a suit.
J:	Judge. Older, wiser, very, very smart. 



Citation #1: "Fire." 

The defense calls John T. Blindman to the stand.

ME:	Mr. Blindman, you have watched the X-files since the first 
	episode, is that not true?
JB:	That's true.
ME:	Very good. So you would consider yourself an expert on The X-
	Files?
JB:	I suppose so.
ME:	Wonderful, wonderful. Now, sir, if I may, I'd like to ask you a 
	few questions about your life.
JB:	Uh...
ME:	Sir, do you have any siblings?
JB:	Yes. Two sisters and a brother.
ME:	And you are...the oldest?
JB:	Yes. Me, my two sisters, and then my little brother.
ME:	Quite a little family you have there, sir. I'm sure you're very 
	proud of them.
JB:	Why, yes. Yes, I am.
ME:	Wonderful. Sir, are your sisters lesbians?
P:	OBJECTION! That is totally irrelevant!
J:	(Gaveling wildly) Mr. Rambo! Mr. Rambo! 
ME:	Your Honor, if I may be allowed to continue, I will make this 
	relevant.
J:	(Eyeing me suspiciously) Very well, Mr. Rambo. Quickly, please.
ME:	Of course, your honor. Mr. Blindman, if you please?
JB:	Huh?
ME:	Your sisters. Are they lesbians, sir?
JB:	No, of course not.
ME:	So, they dated boys when they were in high school.
JB:	Of course!
ME:	How wonderful for them. Sir, were you ever jealous of your 
	sister's boyfriends?
JB:	Excuse me?
ME:	It's a fairly straightforward question, sir. Your sisters dated. 
	They had boys coming around the house, boys that wanted to squire 
	your sisters away to parts unknown, maybe to the movies, maybe to 
	the local lover's lane where they could sit and neck for hours, 
	all those teenage hormones fogging up the windows. Surely you 
	thought about it. You did think about it, right?
JB:	Well, sure, I thought about it. I'm the oldest.
ME:	Of course you did. Concerned brother and all that. But were you 
	jealous?
JB:	Of what?
ME:	Were you jealous that those boys got to kiss your sisters and you 
	did not?
JB:	Of COURSE NOT! That's sick!
P:	Your Honor!
ME:	Almost finished, your honor. Now, Mr. Blindman, I direct your 
	attention to Defense Exhibit 1013. It is the shooting script from 
	an episode titled "Fire."
JB:	(Picks up script)
ME:	Would you mind reading the highlighted passage?
JB:	(reading) "Dana Scully - So that's what you were leading with."
ME:	Thank you sir. Now, would you please characterize that statement?
JB:	I don't understand.
ME:	What do you think...what is your personal opinion of what emotion 
	that statement characterizes. What emotion was Dana Scully feeling 
	at the moment she spoke those-
P:	Objection! Your Honor, those remarks are taken out of context!
ME:	(Smiling) Your Honor, I am shocked! Twenty minutes of law 
	training, and I forgot to set the groundwork. By all means, Mr. 
	Blindman, please tell us under what circumstances those words were 
	spoken by Ms. Scully.
P:	(Sensing the trap) Your honor!
J:	Sorry. You opened the door by objecting to the context. Mr. 
	Blindman, please describe to the court and this jury the context 
	of that statement.
JB:	Uh...Scully has come to a hotel. She sees her partner dancing with 
	an old girlfriend.
ME:	An old girlfriend. A potential love partner, wouldn't you say?
JB:	Excuse me?
ME:	Well, we can go over the script line-by-line, but we both know 
	that the characterization of Phoebe Green was of a woman still on 
	the prowl for Fox Mulder. Is that not true? 
JB:	I guess so.
ME:	So, sir, I put it to you this way. If any reasonable person saw 
	that scene as it was written and acted, what would they assume?
JB:	(Shrugging) That she was jealous.
ME:	Thank you. You have stated that you were not jealous of your 
	sister's boyfriends. Is that correct? Do you need me to read it 
	back?
JB:	No, I wasn't jealous.
ME:	So, then, sir, if Scully was jealous of Phoebe...wouldn't it be 
	fair to say that any reasonable person might assume that she has 
	feelings for Mulder that can be described as `other' than sisterly 
	feelings?
JB:	Uh...
ME:	The defense has no further questions for this witness.
P:	(Slumps at his desk, head in his hand.)

Citation #2: "Pusher." A favorite relationshipper episode. Has lots of 
oogy moments of touchy-feely and all kinds of stuff. This is a favorite 
target of both sides of this argument because there is so much left 
unspoken by the two characters that both sides have ample ammunition to 
make their point. The anti-UST types argue that it's natural for someone 
as close as Mulder and Scully to hold hands at the end of the episode. 
That it's perfectly ok for this to be happening with no, repeat no, 
none, zero, zip, nada, zilch sexual tension underlying the entire 
affair. I now use their own argument against them. I call to the stand 
one Roscoe P. Coldheart, the fictional aggregation of all anti-UST 
types. What follows is the cross examination of this witness. 

ME:	Mr. Coldheart, it is your opinion that Special Agent Dana Scully 
        and Special Agent Fox Mulder do not have any `unresolved sexual 
	tension,' between them. In fact, sir, it is your contention
	that there is no sexual attraction period between them, is that 
	correct?
RC:	That is correct, sir.
ME:	Very well. I have just a few more questions. Would it be fair to 
	say, sir, that you feel that Dana Scully, while being a Medical 
	Doctor and a Special Agent of the FBI is a forthright, 
	professional woman?
RC:	Yes, sir.
ME:	Further, would it be true to say that being a woman in the FBI, 
	which is, as we all know, basically one of the largest Old Boy 
	Networks in the world, not an easy task?
RC:	I would suppose so. Not being a woman, it'd be hard to-
ME:	Just yes or no answers, please.
RC:	Yes, I guess.
ME:	Thank you, sir. Now, further, if I may, would you say that Dana 
	Scully's career is important to her?
RC:	Yes.
ME:	And that anything she would do to damage that career would not be 
	in her self interest?
RC:	No, it would not.
ME:	Mr. Coldheart, what do you think would be the reaction of her 
	fellow agents were they to see Special Agent Scully holding hands 
	with her partner?
P:	Objection! That is not a yes or no question!
ME:	Your honor, I ask for a little leeway here.
J:	Get wherever you're going quickly, Mr. Rambo. Objection overruled.
ME:	Mr. Coldheart?
RC:	I'd assume that they'd be upset.
ME:	Upset?
RC:	That she would be...a typical woman. Or what they assume to be a 
	typical woman, falling in love with her partner.
ME:	I see. Falling in love with her partner. So, sir, it would be safe 
	to say that since you maintain that she is not in love with her 
	partner, that in fact, she harbors no sexual feelings or 
	attraction towards him, that she must have a very good reason 
	indeed to hold his hand in a public place in full view of other 
	agents should they happen upon the partners?
RC:	I'm not sure I understand.
ME:	I'm sure you don't. Allow me to rephrase the question. You said 
	earlier that Dana Scully is a professional woman in a career that 
	is not very forgiving to women. Would that be a fair assessment of 
	what you said earlier?
RC:	Yes.
ME:	Very good, sir. So, if she were to hold her partner's hand, in 
	public, where anyone could see her, risking damage to her valued 
	career...she must have had a very good reason, wouldn't you say?
RC:	Yes, that would make sense.
ME:	Very well. Since you maintain that there is no sexual tension or 
	attraction, that in fact, Ms. Scully is not in love with her 
	partner, would you care to speculate as to what that reason might 
	be?
RC:	(long, silent pause.) Uh....
ME:	(moving from podium back to the Defense table)  I have no further 
	questions for this witness.
P:	(Standing) Your Honor...the defense has shown two anecdotal 
	incidences of what could be perceived as sexual tension between 
	two fictional characters! I'm sure that any reasonable person 
	would assume that two law-enforcement professionals engaged in the 
	type of work that Special Agents Scully and Mulder are would be 
	able to control their feelings-
ME:	Your honor, I don't here a question in there anywhere...
J:	Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, do you have a question for this witness?
P:	Well, no, but-
J:	The witness is dismissed. You may step down.

Citation #3: "Cockroach Episode." 

The defense recalls Mr. Blindman to the stand.

ME:	I'm sorry to drag you back here, sir, but when going over your 
	depositions, I noticed something that I would like to explore 
	further. You mentioned that your most favorite episode of all 
	time was the one dealing with the cockroaches. Is that a true 
	statement, sir?
JB:	Yes. I loved that episode.
ME:	As did we all, Mr. Blindman. I would like to direct your attention 
	o Defense Exhibit 1013. he shooting script for that episode.
JB:	(picks up script.)
ME:	Please describe to the jury the scene that I have highlighted 
	starting on page 32.
JB	(Reads) It's the scene where Mulder calls Scully at home and she 
	gives him this huge speech bout anti-Darwinism.
ME:	Correct. Now, sir, what is the line that Mulder speaks? The one 
	highlighted in hot pink?
JB:	(reading) "Scully, what are you wearing?"
ME:	Sir, assuming you were a woman, what would that statement mean to 
	you?
JB:	I'm not a woman, counselor.
ME:	Correct, sir. The defense will stipulate that you are a man. Now, 
	sir, if a woman had spoken that phrase to you, what would you 
	think?
JB:	That she wants to know what I'm wearing?
ME:	(Confused) Why would a woman want to know what you were wearing, 
	sir?
JB:	I don't know...(shrugs)
ME:	Let's look at this another way. Assume you weren't wearing 
	anything when the question was asked. Assume you were naked. Do 
	you think if you told the woman who had asked you that question 
	that you were naked that it might have an...effect on them?
JB:	I suppose.
ME:	Further, might we stipulate that the purpose of certain types of 
	clothing is to flatter the wearer, to make them more physically 
	appealing to other people? 
JB:	I guess so.
ME:	So, then, to ask the question is to beg another, unspoken 
	question: Are you wearing something that I would like? Something 
	that I would like to see you in? Would  that be a reasonable 
	assumption?
P:	OBJECTION! Assuming facts not in evidence!
ME:	Your honor, we are talking about the assumptions of reasonable 
	persons. I will stipulate for the record that I consider Mr. 
	Blindman here a reasonable person,
	unless the prosecution has any objections to THAT.
P:	But-but-but-but-
J:	Overruled.
ME:	Mr. Blindman, would that be reasonable to assume?
JB:	I guess.
ME:	You guess. Sir, have you ever asked a woman on the phone
	what she was wearing?
JB:	(pauses) Yes.
ME:	I see. Why did you ask that question?
JB:	Because I wanted to know what she was wearing.
ME:	I see. And was she wearing something that you'd like?
JB:	(pause) Yes.
ME:	Very well. Thank you, sir. Now, moving on, I direct your
	attention to the last several pages of the script. Please
	read the highlighted line for the jury.
JB:	(Reading) "Scully says, `This is no place for an 
	entomologist.'
ME:	Sir, would you characterize that line?
P:	Objection! Taken out of context, your honor!
ME:	If the prosecutor wants me to have the witness read the
	prior scene and the stage directions, I'm sure the jury
	would like to know the exact-
P:	Objection withdrawn.
ME:	Now then, sir. Would you please characterize the statement?
JB:	She was...I don't know how to say it...
ME:	Establishing her territorial rights?
P:	Objection! He's leading the witness!
ME:	(smugly) You're right, I am. I apologize to the court, to
	His Honor and the jury. Now, sir, would you say that the
	statement I made a moment ago is a reasonable characterization
	of the line?
P:	(Muttering) He set me up!
JB:	Yes, I guess.
ME:	Sort of like...what? A girlfriend fending off the advances
	of another woman? Would that be reasonable?
P:	(Whining) Your honor!
ME:	I withdraw the question. Sir, taking a look at the entire
	episode, would it be fair to say that Scully was concerned
	for her partner? For his safety?
P:	That's two questions, your honor.
J:	Sustained.
ME:	(Sighing) Very well. Sir, do you think that Special
	Agent Scully was concerned for her partner's safety?
JB:	No, I don't think so.
ME:	Oh? Then why did she come? Why did she leave her
	comfy apartment in Annapolis to go to her partner?
JB:	I don't know exactly why.
ME:	I see. Well, let's look at this from another viewpoint.
	The case was not exactly life-threatening, is that 
	correct? I mean, as long as Mulder didn't get any
	roaches on him, he'd probably live. Is that a 
	fair statement?
JB:	Yes, it's not like some of their other cases.
ME:	Exactly, sir. It wasn't like some of their other cases.
	But, aside from the lack of the threat of immediate
	loss of life on Mulder's part...what else was
	different?
JB:	Uh...
ME:	Your honor, please direct the witness to answer
	the question.
JB:	Bambi. Bambi was different.
ME:	How so?
JB:	Mulder was obviously...interested in this woman.
ME:	I see. On what do you base that statement, sir?
JB:	When Scully called him on the cell-phone and
	Mulder gave her that, "Not now" answer and
	hung up on her.
ME:	Sir, do you have any sisters?
P:	Objection! Your Honor, are we going to go there AGAIN?
ME:	Your honor, if the Prosecution will stipulate to the
	same circumstances as the previous witness, I will not
	ask the question again.
P:	So stipulated. My client has two sisters, and neither
	one of them is a lesbian.
J:	Please continue, Mr. Rambo.
ME:	So, sir, I ask you: Your sister Susan, she is married. You
	must have called her on the phone once or twice in your
	lifetime?
JB:	Of course.
ME:	So, then, has she ever hung up on you?
JB:	Yes.
ME:	Were you concerned?
JB:	No, but she's not an FBI agent in the middle of a case-
ME:	IN the middle of a case with a beautiful entomologist that
	goes by the name "Bambi,' sir.
JB:	No.
ME:	Nevertheless, we have established that Mulder was not in
	danger, that Scully thought the entire case was nothing
	but fluff, and yet, once the introduction of Bambi had
	taken place, Special Agent Scully left her apartment
	in Annapolis, drove to the site of the case, and then
	made what can only be described as a territorial claim
	on her partner. Now, sir, I put it to you. Does that
	sound like a woman who only considers Mulder a friend
	or a brother?
JB:	No, I guess not. But--
ME:	But what, sir?
JB:	But they CAN'T! They just CAN'T be that way! It'll
	RUIN THE SHOW!
ME:	I'm sure some would disagree with you, sir. The defense
	has no further questions for this witness at this time,
	but I do reserve the right to recall him at a later time.

(two days later)

J:	Mr. Rambo, are you ready to give your closing argument?
ME:	I am, your honor. (Turns to jury) Ladies and gentlemen, we have 
seen a case where the prosecution insists that there are no unresolved 
sexual feelings between Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder. They 
have trotted expert after expert out, some of them from the television 
industry, those same experts claiming that to bring Mulder and Scully 
together in a romantic relationship would ruin the show. But those 
experts did NOT testify as to whether or not those feelings existed, 
just what effect they thought such feelings would have on the show. We 
have heard from the creator of this show, who has said that there will 
never be a romantic relationship between them on television. Again, the 
creator of the show also did not testify that the feelings were not 
there, just that they would never be consummated. We have heard from 
witnesses that claimed at the beginning of their testimony that they 
believed the relationship between Mulder and Scully to be that of 
friends, of siblings, but after examining those opinions, TO A ONE they 
all agreed that the depictions we have seen of those two characters do 
not match those of friends OR siblings. The question then arises 
naturally: If these two characters do have more than friendly or 
sibling-like feelings for each other, then WHY have they not consummated 
this relationship? Why has there been no breathless declaration of love? 
Why no steamy love scenes to fog the camera's lens? Perhaps that is a 
question better left to the executives that create and produce this 
show. Perhaps they know why. I do not. I don't pretend to. Perhaps they 
have decided not to let the characters consummate the relationship at 
this time because it would detract from other issues. But the 
prosecution has not provided a single, solitary witness that has been 
able to prove that the feelings do not exist. Similarly, we have not 
been able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they DO exist. All we 
have been able to do is provide evidence, overwhelming evidence, that 
they might. This is important, ladies and gentlemen. Please try to 
understand: We have seen a pattern of activity that the prosecution's 
own witnesses have testified does not fit the pattern of a 
brother/sister relationship, OR that of `just' friends. There is 
something more there. Is it love? We do not know. But the logical 
assumption is that there is something there, there is something more 
between Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully than just partners and 
just casual friends. When you go into that jury room, I want you to 
think about what you see on that screen every week. It doesn't matter if 
you think the feelings SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be there. Your personal 
opinion on the rightness or wrongness of two people who work together 
having romantic, sexual feelings for each other is NOT at issue here, 
ladies and gentlemen. The only question before you is: DO THEY EXIST FOR 
THESE TWO PEOPLE? I thank you for your time.

J:	Mr. Prosecutor, would you like to make your closing argument?
P:	(Crying) N-n-no, your honor.

(nine minutes later)

Foreman: We, the jury, in the above entitled action, after due and 
careful deliberation, find that although there is no overwhelming 
evidence to prove either point, we are inclined to believe that a 
situation of unresolved sexual tension, also defined as `lackanookie' 
under Article 1013 of the Broadcast Standards Law, does, in fact, exist.

(Gallery explodes in applause.)

(Outside, on steps of courthouse, to swarming press mob)

ME:	Thank you, thank you. I'll be taking on the case of "The Simpsons"
	versus "Rand McNally" next week. 

THE END