Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
      
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
__
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.

Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

It IS as bad as you thought, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, just in case heaven is like
the IRS.

I took an IQ test, but the results were negative.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my Reality Check?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

It may be lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile.  You Will Be Assimilated.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I finally got my stuff together, but I forgot where I put it.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Keep honking...I'm reloading

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
   

From: Tammy