People often say to me: "Dave, as a professional columnist,
you have a job that requires you to process large quantities
of information on a timely basis.  Why don't you get a real
haircut?"

What these people are REALLY asking, of course, is: How am I
able to produce columns with such a high degree of accuracy,
day in and day out, 54 weeks per year?

The answer is: I use a computer. This enables me to be
highly efficient.  Suppose, for example, that I need to fill
up column space by writing BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER
BOOGER.  To accomplish this in the old precomputer days, I
would have had to type "BOOGER" five times manually.  But
now all I have to do is type it once, then simply hold the
left-hand "mouse" button down while "dragging" the "mouse"
so that the "cursor" moves over the text that I wish to
"select"; then release the left-hand "mouse" button and
position the "cursor" over the "Edit" heading on the "menu
bar"; then click the left-hand "mouse" button to reveal the
"edit menu"; then position the "cursor" over the "Copy"
command; then click the left-hand "mouse" button; then move
the "cursor" to the point where I wish to insert the
"selected" text, then click the left-hand "mouse" button;
then position the "cursor" over the "Edit" heading on the
"menu bar" again; then click the left-hand "mouse" button to
reveal the "edit menu"; then position the "cursor" over the
"Paste" command; then click the left-hand "mouse" button
four times; and then, as the French say, "voila!"
(Literally, "My hand hurts!")

If you need this kind of efficiency in your life, you should
get a computer.  I recommend the kind I have, which is a
"DOS" computer ("DOS" is an acronym, meaning "ROM").  The
other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not
recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer that
you basically just plug in and use.  This means you don't
get to participate in the most entertaining aspect of
computer-owning, which is trying to get the computer to
work.  This is where "DOS" really shines.  It is way beyond
normal human comprehension.

It was invented by Bill Gates.  He is now one of the
wealthiest individuals on Earth -- wealthier than Queen
Elizabeth; wealthier even than some people who fix car
transmissions -- and do you want to know why? Because he's
the only person in the world who understands "DOS." Every
day he gets frantic phone calls like this:

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: Our entire worldwide corporate
                    accounting system is paralyzed, and no
                    matter what we type into the computer,
                    it replies, "WHO WANTS TO KNOW? (signed) 'DOS.'" 
BILL GATES: Ha-ha! I mean, sounds pretty serious.
BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: We'll give you $17 million to tell us how to fix it.
BILL GATES: OK.  Press the "NUM LOCK" key.
BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: So THAT'S what that thing does! Thanks!
                    The check is on the way! 

My current computer, in addition to "DOS," has "Windows,"
which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a
security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able
to get past "DOS." You have to be a real stud hombre
cybermuffin to handle "Windows." I have spent countless
hours trying to get my computer to perform even the most
basic data-processing functions, such as letting me play
"F-117A Stealth Fighter" on it.  I have personally, with my
bare hands, changed my "WIN.INI" and "CONFIG.SYS" settings.
This may not mean much to you, but trust me, it is a major
data-processing accomplishment.  Albert Einstein died
without ever doing it.  ("WAIT a minute!" were his last
words.  "It erased my equation! It was 'E' equals
something!")

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for
the purpose of diddling with his computer.  There are
millions of others.  I know this, because I encounter them
on the Internet, which is a giant international network of
intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean,
"people without lives."  We don't care.  We have each other,
on the Internet.  "Geek pride," that is our motto.  While
you are destroying your mind watching the worthless,
brain-rotting drivel on TV ("Dave's World," Monday nights,
CBS, check your local listings), we on the Internet are
exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited,
intimate and -- yes -- shocking details about our
"CONFIG.SYS" settings.

You would not believe how wrought up we get about this type
of thing, on the Internet.  I regularly connect with a
computer group that has a heated debate going on about -- I
am not making this issue up -- the timing of
Hewlett-Packard's decision to upgrade from a 386 to a 486
microprocessor in its Omnibook computer.  This has aroused
enormous passion.  People -- some of them from other
continents -- are sending snide, angry, sometimes furious
messages to each other.  I'm sure that some participants,
even as we speak, are trying to figure out if there is a way
to alter their CONFIG.SYS settings so that they can
electronically punch their opponents in the mouth.  This
debate has been raging, soap-opera-like, for months now, and
I have become addicted to it.  I tune in every day to see
what the leading characters are saying.  You probably think
this is weird, but I don't care.  I am a happy nerd in
cyberspace, where nobody can see my haircut.

(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

We can not forward e-mail to Dave Barry.  Please write him c/o 
Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, Miami FL 33132.   -- Ed.
(He does however, read alt.fan.dave_barry from time to time.)