Secretary of Agriculture
Washington DC

Dear Mr Secretary,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand
dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in
your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on
and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure
that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is
not a good breed to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise
Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program
will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made
on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when
he got your check for not raising any.

If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get
two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to
operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand
dollars the first year.  Now, another thing: These hogs I will not
raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I
qualify for payments for not raising and wheat not to feed the
four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started
as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year
not to raise hogs or grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so
please send me information on that, too. In view of these
circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file
for unemployment benefits and food stamps.

Patriotically Yours

I M Cheap