Credit for most of the following goes to the many friends and colleagues who circulate silly stuff via e-mail. Names of the original sources are long gone, but if you see something you wrote -- thank you!
The Conundrum of Mrs. Yates
It was but I said not and
This was written above the blackboard in my sixth-grade classroom. We students looked at it every day for an entire school year, not giving it a second thought. On the last day of school, Mrs. Yates asked us to punctuate it. The words are in the correct order -- all it needs is punctuation to make it a complete, grammatically correct sentence.
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The Importance of Correct Punctuation
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria
Actual News Headlines
These publications were sorely in need of a copyeditor!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops off Shelf
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
The Longest Word
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
Concerto for Left Hand
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Numbers Game
This is fun. Just follow the directions! Do not skip ahead. Read this message one line at a time and just do what it says. You will be glad you did.
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1. |
Pick a number from 1 to 9. |
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2. |
Subtract 5. |
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3. |
Multiply by 3. |
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4. |
Square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root). |
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5. |
Add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e., 64 = 6 + 4 = 10 = 1 + 0 = 1). |
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6. |
If the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise, subtract 4. |
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7. |
Multiply by 2. |
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8. |
Subtract 6. |
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9. |
Map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1 = A, 2 = B, 3 = C, etc. |
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10. |
Pick a name of a country that begins with that letter. |
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11. |
Take the second letter in the country name and think of an animal whose name begins with that letter. |
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12. |
Think of the color of that animal. |
Words Not Yet in the Dictionary
accordionated adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
aquadextrous adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
aqualibrium n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
buzzacks n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
carperpetuation n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
dimp n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
elbonics n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
elecelleration n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button, the faster it will arrive.
frust n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing you across the room until you finally decide to give up and sweep it under the rug.
lactomangulation n. Handling the "open here" spout on a milk container so roughly that one has to resort to the "don't use" side.
peppier n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose is walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper with that.
petonic adj. Someone who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
phonesia n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
pupkus n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
telecrastination n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you are only six inches away.
Winners of "The Worst Analogies Ever Written
in a High-School Essay" Contest
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30 [ed: or vice versa].
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Be Not Crying for Me, Hungary
Madonna was in Budapest filming some scenes from the movie Evita and the Budapest newspaper Blikk interviewed her. The questions were posed in Hungarian, then translated into English for her; her replies were then translated back into Hungarian. Then USA Today wanted a copy of it. So...the Hungarian version was retranslated from Hungarian back into English for USA Today who published only part of it. This is the whole version from the retranslation.
BLIKK: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor? You are the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and like to move their bodies in response.
MADONNA: Thank you for saying these compliments [holds up hands]. Please stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my garments for all to see. This is a joke I have made.
BLIKK: Madonna, let's cut toward the hunt: Are you a bold hussy-woman that feasts on men who are tops?
MADONNA: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface my longings. In American it is not considered to be mentally ill when a woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that also makes my day.
BLIKK: Is this how you met Carlos, your love-servant who is reputed? Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?
MADONNA: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as regards those questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse! Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being muscled-trained by him, not a sex machine.
BLIKK: May we talk about your other "baby," your movie then? Please do not be denying that the similarities between you and the real Evita are grounded in basis. Power, money, tasty food, Grammys -- all these elements are afoot.
MADONNA: What is up in the air with you? Evita never was winning a Grammy!
BLIKK: Perhaps not. But as to your film, in trying to bring your reputation along a rocky road, can you make people forget the bad explosions of Who's That Girl? and Shanghai Surprise?
MADONNA: I am a tip-top starlet. That is my job that I am paid to do.
BLIKK: OK, here's a question from left space. What was your book Slut about?
MADONNA: It was called Sex, my book.
BLIKK: Not in Hungary. Here it was called Slut. How did it come to publish. Were you lovemaking with a man-about-town printer? Do you prefer making suggestive literature to fast-selling CDs?
MADONNA: There are different facets to my career highway. I am preferring only to become respected all over the map as a 100% artist.
BLIKK: There is much interest in you from this geographic region, so I must ask this final questions: How many Hungarian men have you dated in bed? Are they no. 1? How are they comparing to Argentine men, who are famous being tip-top as well?
MADONNA: Well, to avoid aggravating global tension, I would say it's a tie [laugh]. No, no. I am serious now. See here, I am working like a canine all the way around the clock! I have been too busy to try the goulash that makes your country one for the record books.
BLIKK: Thank you for the candid chitchat.
MADONNA: No problem, friend who is a girl.
The Last Edition
When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?
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USA Today: |
WE'RE DEAD | |
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The Wall Street Journal: |
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS |
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National Enquirer: |
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN |
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Playboy: |
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE | |
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Microsoft Systems Journal: |
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE | |
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Victoria's Secret Catalog: |
OUR FINAL SALE | |
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Sports Illustrated: |
GAME OVER | |
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Wired: |
THE LAST NEW THING | |
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Rolling Stone: |
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR | |
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Readers Digest: |
'BYE | |
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Discover Magazine: |
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? | |
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TV Guide: |
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! |
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Lady's Home Journal: |
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! | |
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America Online: |
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN -- TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES |
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Inc. magazine: |
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE |
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Microsoft's Web Site: |
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE | |
Real Excerpts from Church Bulletins
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The little mothers group will meet on Saturday morning -- anyone interested in becoming a little mother should see the pastor in the rectory after service."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Reverend Harcourt will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Don't let worry kill you -- the church can help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken up to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet are encouraged to come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.
Funny English Notices Around The World
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking.
Here speeching American.
Feedback via e-mail to: vonrad@charter.net
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This page last updated on 23 December 2004.
© Copyright 1999 Elizabeth von Radics. All rights reserved.