Stumptown Guestbook

It's about time!

Twinkies

In an effort to clarify questions about the Twinkies' purportedsource of nutrition and food source, and to determine thedurability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, Isubjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments.

EXPOSURE

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during whichtime an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observedcrawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to thehypothesis, birds (even pigeons) avoided this potential source ofsubstance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkieretained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkiewas found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it wasobserved to have taken on the consistency of industrial foaminsulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised"creaminess".

RADIATION

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which wasset for precisely 4 minutes (the approximate cooking time ofbacon). After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie'srich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After oneminute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burningrubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes and 10seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top ofthe oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment;this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this nowepoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defyinggravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

EXTREME FORCE

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall ofapproximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bouncedonto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrowfissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remainedstructurally intact.

EXTREME COLD

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, butits physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling wasfound to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, whileexhibiting the mercury-like property of not adhering topractically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie hadgenerously absorbed all of the freezers orders.

EXTREME HEAT

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While theTwinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "creamholes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however,produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the radiationexperiment.

IMMERSION

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, theTwinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink.Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possiblyconsisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring.

After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloringwas now a vary pale tan (in contrast to the yellow, urine-likewater that surrounded it). The Twinkie bobbed when touched, andhad a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie hadincreased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The waterhad turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling hadleaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts toremove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when,under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphouscloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

SUMMARY OF RESULTS

The Twinkie's survival of a 120 foot drop, along with some of theunusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" andartificial coloring, should give pause to those observers whowould unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Furtherclinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions canbe drawn.

Hello.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.

In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.

Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

I've entered an artistic phase. Last Tuesday our professor, he's like just the smartest person on the whole Earth, like he told us like just everything there is to know about Haiku. It's like this poetry thing they do -- it's Soooooooo Groovy !!! Like I've evolved so much in tune with the Cosmic Continium, I even do my own now. You shoud try it, it's like super easy.

Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone

Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars
Above the pampas

The color of Spam
is natural as the sky:
A block of sunrise

Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?

In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?

Ears, snouts, and innards,
A homogeneous mass
Pass another slice

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork please

Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty

Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin

Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle..Spam

Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian