THE DAILY DIRTBALL, FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1997
Letters to the Editor
I represent the Bear. You are in violation of sections 4 and 7 of the California Bear Protection Action of 1993 as promulgated by the California Legislature. You must immediately take down the Bear Pictures, Issue a Formal Apology, and reimburse this office for all expenses and unjust rewards in the amount of $435,098.35. If we do not hear from you within 10 business days we will begin formal legal action in the courts of Mendocino, which, as you know look very favorably on lawyers and bears! Sincerely, Seymour J. Berenstain Barely an Attorney at Law
Due to the apparently dangerous nature of the special effects and animal stunts, you will be contacted by an investigator from the SPCA. Damoan Rarely
That is one bad looking bear. Hope you're keeping a loaded can of tuna by the door. Kevron Johanson
Dear Dirtball Editor: You may be interested to know that the bear sighting that you reported in your October 24, 1997 article, "Paparazzo Catches Bear Undercover," may, in fact, be something other than it appears. According to Scandanavian mythology, warriors would don bear-skin shirts (called bear-sarks, the origin for the English word "berserk") which had been treated with oils and herbs. Clad in bear-sarks, these warriors would gain the strength, stamina, and power of the animal. They would be driven into a frenzy in battle and were said to be capable of biting through the enemy's shields or walking through fire without injury. So, the next time you see that vicious beast defiling Weber, the Norse Diety of All Things Skewered, just remember that inside is a scared little Sven who's just looking for a little attention. Sincerely, Scott "Big Bite" Figgins Oakland, CA