By the Per Broadcasting System
The world needs to establish new combat rules that will make warfare a more safe and nurturing environment for women soldiers, says Ms. Colleen Hyphenated-Lastname, president of the Propaganda Organization for Women.
"Women can kill just as well as men," says Hyphenated-Lastname. "We know this from all our clients who claim the ‘battered woman's defense.' But the patriarchy has set up certain roadblocks to discourage women from combat. Chief among these roadblocks is the fact that women who go into combat risk getting killed. The patriarchy knows this is a major deterrent to women advancing to positions of power in the military. Well, it is time to remove this ‘Kevlar ceiling.'"
"We demand the creation of a new "Gender Convention" that replaces the old, male-drafted "Geneva Convention." It will extend the "Violence Against Women Act" to apply to combat, because violence against women is always wrong. Just because a female soldier is trying to kill you, that doesn't give you the right to shoot back. Violence against women is never justified, and we must bring all male abusers to swift and uncompromising justice."
"Our records show that nearly one-hundred and twenty-five percent of all female soldiers says that they feel that warfare constitutes a hostile working environment. Obviously, women soldiers will never achieve true equality until they feel safe and accepted on the battlefield."
"Thus we demand the creating of new Nuremberg Trials to bring to justice all enemy soldiers who have hung up centerfolds in their trenches or called out ‘Hey baby, wanna date?' from the foxholes."
"We hope to further the cause of women in warfare in just the same manner as we do in the construction trades, fire departments, and police forces. Instead of demanding that women perform the same as men, we demand that the standards be lowered."
"In order to achieve equality in the military, we have required that women soldiers not have to meet the same physical requirements as men. We now want foreign nations to comply with our lowered standards. For example, women in the military are not required to run as quickly as men. If our female troops are running late, all enemy troops on a battlefield will be required to wait until the women get there."
"Also, female combat pilots like the late Lt. Kara Hultgreen do not have to meet the same standards as men (as noted in the August edition of American Spectator magazine.) So if female pilots do not hit as many targets as male pilots, we are demanding that the enemy blow up some of their own targets until equality is achieved."
"American advertisers and the news media have shown enormous support for these demands. For example, shoe-maker Nike is unveiling a new line of combat boot just for women. We would like to show you an excerpt from the Nike commercial."
(Cue television monitor. TV screen shows images of strong, confident women gracefully jumping trenches and bayonetting men. Voiceover says:)
"If you let me fight ... I will gain confidence, and rank.
"If you let me fight ... I will be less likely to stay in an abusive, target-rich environment.
"If you let me fight ... I can collect scads of data on violence against women.
"If you let me advance in the military without doing my fair share ... I can gain all sorts of power and send lots of men to die defending my rights.
"If you let me fight ...."