"Society sends girls the message that they are not expected to grow tall," said Ms. Hyphenated-Lastname. "Girls are told to 'be a good little girl,' and to be 'mama's little helper,' while boys are encouraged to 'stand tall' and be a 'big man.' The reason that girls do not achieve equal tallness is that they aren't encouraged to.
"And the enforcement of lower expectations continue into adulthood, when wives are referred to as 'the little woman.' The differences in the heights of men and women can be attributed only to socialization. To suggest any other cause is biological determinism.
"To raise girls' negative self-image about their bodies, we are going to have to do something about Barbie dolls," said Ms. Hyphenated- Lastname. "Barbie dolls are, of course, a terrible, negative influence. Look at how Barbie is built. She's only eight inches tall. With a negative role model like that, it's no wonder that girls never grow taller.
"Obviously, to undo centuries of negative brainwashing will require the establishment of new federal programs run by feminists. We will have to raise girls' self esteem. The best way this can be done is by teaching them feminist philosophy, organizing them into a political constituency, getting them to carry our message and distribute our literature, and instructing them to vote out of office anyone who questions our program. At this rate, our program can go on forever. And with that much time to work with, who knows, we might even get around to addressing the original issues the program was created for.
"Funding for the program should be easy enough to come by. We can take money away from programs designed to keep boys from dropping out of school. If the boys are going to drop out of school, why should we spend our school funding on them? After all, the money should rightly be going to the people with the biggest bureaucracy, not the biggestneed.
"This patriarchal suppression of girls' height has not always been the rule. In ancient times, women grew as tall as men, or taller. We know this because feminist historians and archaeologists have been at work. During excavations in neolithic Sumeria, they discovered a gender-equal society that erected statues of women eight feet tall. So obviously, women were taller in the past. In fact, because history has tended to minimize and shrink the contributions of women, it is strong evidence that women in the past were nine or ten feet tall."
"Close study of these statues by feminist historians also reveal that women in the ancient past were dominant and peaceful, bore no prejudices, were equally left-handed and right-handed, did not litter, managed to balance the budget AND save Medicare, thought only nice thoughts, voted 'no' on 209, felt as one with the earth, and ran homeless shelters for orphaned bunny rabbits and fuzzy baby duckies."
"The statues showed that this was a matriarchal, goddess-worshipping society because all the statues were of women. But here's an interesting fact. Our researchers discovered that some of the statues had an odd, fleshy appendage hanging between their thighs. We're not quite sure what function this curious apppendage served. A ceremonial decoration, perhaps. But we almost lost the chance to study them further. One of our researchers was inexplicably overcome with the urge to start knocking these things off with a chisel.