(to the tune of PLASTIC JESUS)

[verse a]

I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic Jesus

sittin' on the dashboard of my car;

I don't care if we crack up, cause he's held on by a suction cup

sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

[chorus]

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus, sittin on the dashboard of my car;

Virgin Mary's pink and pleasant, Saint Joseph is phosphorescent,

sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

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[verse a]

Now, Don't you worry if the driver dozes, I gotta hundred-percent-kosher Moses,

Parting rush-hour traffic from my car;

If I should encounter a roadside bomb I'd just read the writings of Mohammad

Scribbled on the dashboard of my car. (Blessings Be Upon Him)

[verse b]

Oh, Ganesha, Rama, Vishnu, are chanting Hari Krishnu,

In a conga line 'cross the dashboard of my car,

If I rub the tummy of my little Buddha, he sings me a verse of Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah,

While meditatin' on the dashboard of my car.

[chorus]

Zoroaster, made of plaster,

Keep the forces of darkness from my car;

So shut your mouth and pass the bottle, 'cause I'm protected by Quetzalcoatl,

He's sacrificin' Montezuma on the hood of my car.

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[verse a]

Oh, Don'tcha call no doctor if I bump my headie 'cause I got my little Mary Baker Eddy,

Healing me from the dashboard of my car;

My little Brigham Young can save our lives, or so say my six lovely wives,

Gigglin' in the back seat of my car.

[verse b]

John Calvin and John Wesley, Martin Luther and Elvis Presley,

Have all left the building 'cause they're sittin' in my car;

If you don't believe in Adam or Noah or Arks, you can pray to my light-up Karl Marx;

He's high-fivin' Lenin and Mao on the Dash of my car.

[chorus]

Dalai Lama, save me from trauma,

I gotta "Free Tibet" sticker on the back of my car;

If you think I'm speedin' I don't wanna hear it, just talk to my Father the one Great Spirit,

Hangin' from a dreamcatcher on the rearview of my car.

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[verse a]

I gotta Breatharian and a Seminarian, a Unitarian and a Rastafarian,

All rollin' ganja on the dashboard of my car;

If you look real close you just might see a Voodoo doll doin' Santaria

Chasin' chickens 'cross the dashboard of my car.

[verse b]

Oh, I know I'm going to Hell, 'cause I gotta bobble-headed Be-el-

ze-bub, that's the Devil and he's ridin' in my car,

Now Koresh, and Manson, and old Jim Jones, have promised to steer me safely home,

We're sippin' Kool-Aid as we ride along in my car.

[break]

Oh, no, my breaks failed and I just crashed! My head pitched forward and it hit the dash--

Am I in Heaven? I see golden arcs afar...

No, it's just McDonald's I ain't dead at all, All them little statues musta cushioned my fall;

Thank the Lord -- and all them others -- that I had 'em all in my car...

[reprise verse b]

John Calvin and John Wesley, Martin Luther -- and even the King

Will keep me safe, and I know I'll go far;

I doesn't really matter who you call your Maker -- be you Shaker or Quaker or Tammy Faye Baker --

Get you a statue... on the dashboard.. of... your... CAR!