Go2Go2Go2
Travel Exhortations
by Ric Carter


TRAVEL GUIDES #1
Out-Gassing on Related Topics


TRAVEL GEAR U CAN WELL DO WITHOUT:
  Lighten Up, Dummy

How much is enough? When you're on the road (or air or waves or what­ever), you must always balance need vs. convenience, necessity vs. what you can stand to lug around. Sometimes circumstance will determine your baggage, especially if you have nothing, or must reside in an iron lung. Or fate may play a hand, such as losing your luggage in a robbery or crash or airline snafu. Otherwise, what you haul along is strictly your own choice.

Your conveyance may dictate the amount of your luggage, or vice-versa. The backpacker-pedestrian or bicyclist has certain small limits, even if hauling a largish trailer or pushing a shopping cart cross-country, as does the bus rider or economy air traveler. The overloaded biker may need a motorcycle; the overloaded jet-setter may need a private plane. Or you can push TWO shopping carts from coast to coast, if you're cheap.

A driver has even more room for expansion: a larger trailer, car, truck RV or bus. I'm now in a remote park in British Columbia's northern Rockies, and two Greyhound-size motorhomes (each hauling a small car) have pulled in on the gravel next to the river. These suckers are traveling houses; our little 22-foot class C cabover is a bedsitter on wheels in comparison. Do they have space for all the modern conveniences? Yup.

No matter how large or small your capacity, you can always carry too much. About the only way to go with too little is to travel naked. I've not tried that yet, but I *have* managed to stuff way too much into almost everything. So, following are some questions I could have asked my hypo­thetical self on previous journeys.

As a backpacker:
Do you really need that 25-pound Coleman stove (with a gallon of fuel), the unabridged dictionary, the extra tent, 5 kilos of brown rice, the photo enlarger, a week's supply of clean jeans, or the solid onyx chess set? How many gallons of Red Mountain wine do you need? Why carry a collection of the first five years of MOTHER EARTH NEWS?
As an air passenger:
How many fresh pineapples are necessary? Will you eat ALL that fried chicken you brought from Guatemala or are you sharing it with family? And how many Mayan huipiles can you stuff into a duffel bag — 80 or 100? It's not carry-on, you know. Is that a tarantula in your pocket?
As a car-camper:
Ok, so there's tents, camping gear, chair, table, clothes, water and fuel jugs, etc on top of the car; and besides the humans you've got a cat, three dogs, a spare tire and two weeks supply of food inside. Did you bring enough cassettes too? Did you forget the extra shovel?
As a small-time RVer:
So you've got three computers, four radios, a TV, two weeks supply of sodas and beers and canned vegetables and macaroni and frozen chicken. Do you really need the printer-scanner too, as well as the complete collection of music and data CDs? You've got HOW many VHS tapes in there? Will you use both tripoids? And all three guitars?
As a space traveler:
Do you think you can ever have too many oxygen bottles? Won't one death-ray gun be enough? How much Tang and freeze-dried tofu curry can you shove in your pockets? Are you sure those dozen Bic pens won't leak in zero-G? How many space suit patch kits did you bring?

Some folks can live and travel almost forever with what they can stuff in a pack or kayak or airplane carry-ons; I've almost got that last one down. Some would need a tugboat at least, and still think they're scrimping. In pioneer days, a fellow might to wander continent-wide with just the (homemade) clothes on his back and a sharp knife. He likely didn't smell too pleasant, but he sure wasn't chained down to too many possessions. How many travel goodies are chaining you down? Got an extra knife?


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  • TOURISTS

    "It is a fine thing to be out on the hills alone. A man can hardly be a beast or a fool alone on a great mountain."  —Rev Francis Kilvert


    "There I stood & humbly scanned
    The miracle that sense appals,
    And I watched the tourists stand
    Spitting in Niagara Falls"
     —Morris Bishop
    "Travel is atavistic, the day will come when there will be no more traffic at all and only newlyweds will travel."  —Max Frisch

    DRSB ! Bisbee ! Coati Works ! Elvis !!

    THE TROUBLE WITH GUIDEBOOKS:
      Why You Should Just Throw Some Away

    Are guidebooks more bulk than you want to carry, more words than you want to or will read, more trouble than they're worth?

    We brought a pile of guides and histories for this trip, covering various aspects of the regions we expected to cross and recross. We're steadily accumulating even more of them, mostly free literature from governmental tour bureaus. Some even have great value, when we bother to read them. Sometimes we're in too much of a hurry to dig them out and read. Hmmm.

    Sometimes we divert through an area much earlier than anticipated, and its guides remain packed away in a far corner of storage. On this trip, we'd planned to drive home-Reno-Spokane-Banff, then north, then maybe hit the Northern Rockies (US) on our return. Instead, we drove home-Reno-Winnemucca-Glacier, then spun through Glacier National Park (US) with ROADSIDE GEOLOGY OF THE NORTHERN ROCKIES and some Glacier material buried in the box.

    Some guides, we only get around to after we've already passed by. Sometimes the names and descriptions mean nothing until after we've already been there. I spent a few hours traversing Glacier National Park (US) and a few days reading the EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO KNOW book and other Glacier material. OK, if/when we get back there, we'll be ready. If we know we'll be somewhere, we'll study up on it, pour over the maps, get familiar. But since Glacier was to be near the end of the trip, not the start, we just weren't prepped; and the labels would still have meant little until we'd seen what they're attached to.

    Sometimes the guides tell us what to see, and that's what we see, no more. SKIP EVERYTHING WITH LESS THAN THREE STARS, RIGHT? It's much better if we have the time to hang around somewhere and poke around its undocumented corners. Our trips to Kauai (Hawaii) and Amalfi (Italy) were thus perfect. Go beyond the guide. Be your own guide.

    Sometimes we're just in too much of a hurry, trying to outrun weather or fatigue or low fuel or commute traffic or bodily functions. Too hurried to stop and smell the sweetgrass, too hurried to read about what we're speeding past. Life is always a learning experience, but some things we only learn after-the-fact.

    Then there are the guides that are just plain WRONG (for whatever reason) but only intermittantly. Thus, the official Alberta campground guide, which often has the price wrong by a couple bucks, but sometimes slips a decimal place or drops a digit. Or the most recent commercial guide that warns against a long scenic section of unpaved road, that has since been beautifully paved. Darn, we missed that one.

    And of course many guidebooks are PR puff-pieces pushing specific commercial entities: stores, resorts, eateries. Maybe you NEED certain advertising. But a lot of it just ends up as landfill.

    Still, without the guides, who knows where we'd be? If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else. Our appetites wouldn't be whetted (or dulled) for certain adventures, and we might as well go jump in the Pacific Ocean and float away. Hey, good idea! Let's do that on the next trip!


    PRAYING & CURSING WHILE TRAVELING:
      Getting The Most From Your Words

    Words have power, don't they? Of course they do! You address someone by a racial-social epithet ("You dirty Jew / Nigger / Wop / Dyke / Greaser / Fag / Liberal!") and they run from you or they beat you up. A president says, "We are at war!" and BANG! all manner of death and destruction results. You shout 'FIRE!' in a crowded theatre and watch the stampede. These are instrumental words, heard by and spoken to people to provoke a reaction.

    But far more mysterious, and usually more potent, are the words of magic and ritual. A cleric (not occupied with molesting children) utters magic words, and bread and wine are transformed into flesh and blood, that ye may partake in ritual cannibalism. You say "Open Sesame!" and a barrier falls open. You pray, "Aces and eights, Lord! Gimmee aces and eights!" and your numbers come up, and you're rich, or someone shoots you in the back. See, this shit is POWERFUL!

    As a traveler, you'll have some specific concerns you can address with instrumental and magical words. Here are some handy phrases; memorize them, then adapt them to your personal needs.

    OH LORD, DON'T LET THIS AIRPLANE CRASH! Please please please, don't let it crash and explode and burn! I'll do ANYTHING for You! TAKE my oldest son! TAKE my wife. Just don't take me!! O God O God O God O God...
    Great Kali, goddess of death and transfiguration, I beseech thee to hurl this bus / train / ferry into a great abyss / chasm / void and destroy all the impure flesheaters on board.
    May this whole focking island and all its focking thieves just focking sink into the focking sea! Fock them all!
    I have a bomb. Divert this flight to Pyongyang immediately or I will detonate it and kill everyone on board, yourself and myself included. LONG LIVE OUR BELOVED LEADER!
    There are no bears around here. Bears don't live around here. Bears can't tell I'm here. The bears are all elsewhere. I ain't afraid of no bears.
    Oh Jesus, that bear is after us! Oh Jesus, help me to run faster, please! Oh Jesus, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun Fred! Oh Jesus!
    Give me all your money or I'll shoot you.
    Protect me, St Christopher, from high road tolls and higher gas prices. Deliver me, Blessed Virgin Mother, from wrong maps and bad directions. Help me, Santa Cecilia, to see the stop sign in time.
    Oh Allah the munificent, the bountiful, the merciful, please turn this ham sandwich into smoked turkey.
    I call on all the Powers of Death and Darkness to GIVE THAT SHITTY TOUR GUIDE A PAINFUL INCURABLE DISEASE! NOW!
    The plane won't crash. Of course the plane won't crash. The plane can't crash. No crash. No crash. No crash.
    O fock, the plane is gonna crash. IT'S GONNA FOCKING CRASH! WE'RE ALL FOCKING DOOMED! O shit o shit o shit.
    Love makes the world go round. Love keeps this plane in the air. Love guides the pilot. All we need is love.
    Open, Tollgate! Open, Sesame! Open! Open!
    The bus will not go off the road. The bus driver knows what he's doing. The bus is perfectly safe. The bus driver is not too drunk. We'll all be fine.

    These few incantations and formulae and phrases, suitably adapted and implemented, will see you through almost all sticky travel predicaments. Happy trails, and may the Force be with you.


     heading for midnight sunshine

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