Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

EAT OR BE EATEN:
  Traveling With Pets, Insects, Acquaintances and/or Other Animals & Vermin

You're traveling by yourself, no family or colleagues or bunkmates or advisors in sight, but you're not alone. You may have (willingly or not) brought along one or more Animal Companions (it's not PC to call them PETS any more). And you and/or they may have brought along some Insect-Arthropod Companions (it's not PC to call them PESTS any more). Or maybe you didn't bring any PETS but you have PESTS anyway. And maybe a PEST is just some humanoid (or other creature) that has attatched itself to you — your entourage, so to speak, like Elvis' buddies or Dubya's bodyguards.

So what's WITH them? And what can you DO about them?

Humanoids on the move, even since before we evolved from Homo Habilis past the Neanderthals and Libertarians, have been accompanied by such companions. Sometimes they can be and have been very useful, even life-saving. A marauding chieftan would send his Humanoid Companions out ahead to scout the terrain, look for (and be caught in) ambushes, taste the food to make sure it's not poisoned, etc. Animal Companions can also be put to work, or they can just be eaten in lean times. Early Polynesians paddling across the wide Pacific Ocean didn't just have dogs along because they're friendly, y'know.

But Insect-Arthropod Companions — well, they usually just happen. People have always been prime grazing for fleas, ticks, mites, bugs, etc. It's a tradition. (And then we have even smaller companions, little microscopic critters that crawl over our skin and in our orifices and through our guts, ewww. But since we can't see those with our naked eyes, except as skin rashes etc, we won't worry about them just now. Maybe you should see a dermatologist or parasitologist. But I digress.)

I should note that other Animal Companions beside PETS may associate with and accompany you, and I don't just mean the spiders in your bouffant. I'm talking about the snakes and scorpions in your boots, the lizards and mice in your luggage, the vampire bats that follow you wherever you go. Let's just consider them to be Involuntary PETS, right?

So, if you're somewhat humanoid and not a cyborg (cybernetic organism, a man-machine chimera) or a robot (inorganic or organic arificial person) or an alien or demon or angel, each of which has their OWN problems, you can expect to be infested with companions wherever you travel. And you may wish to be more alone, more serene, to rid yourself of your parasites friends. What can you DO about them?

Realistically, you only have five choices:

• 1) Eat them
• 2) Let them eat you
• 3) Live with them
• 4) Dodge them
• 5) Stay home and take a nice, hot, steaming sauna and therapeutic massage, and maybe an enema or three

Let's look at each of these possibilities.

Option #1 (Eat'em) will work with most Animal Companions and some Human and Insect-Arthropod Companions, but you may have trouble with the latter. You really shouldn't try to devour scorpions, for instance, no matter how carefully and skillfully prepared they may be. And there are certain social proscriptions regarding the consumption of Long Pig, so that must remain a private matter.

Option #2 (Let'em eat you) only works if you're rather apathetic and fatalistic, like a fan of Leonard Cohen or the Smiths with Morrissey, or a Shiite bungee-jumper. Maybe you'll taste OK with the proper sauce. Maybe your companions won't care. Maybe YOU won't care. Why worry? Que sera sera — what will be, will be — in'shallah.

Option #3 (Live with'em) is really the same as Option #2.

Option #4 (Dodge'em) is deceptive. By dodging, avoiding, hiding, you're moving around anyway (unless you sequester yourself in a coal mine), so you'll likely find yourself with a new set of Companions, with all that entails. Bother.

Option #5 (Stay home) is a cop-out that solves nothing but probably feels nice for awhile, at least until your old Companions figure out where you live. They'll always find you, y'know. Stalwart Companions are like that.

So you're in a real pickle. I suggest that you just eat them all, which at least is congruent with the Atkins Diet. Do your best. Have fun. Exercise a lot. Eat any living thing that comes near. And keep a supply of BEANO with you.

TRAVELING WHILE ASLEEP:
  A (Nearly) Complete Guide to Journeying During Unconsciousness and/or Coma

YOU are as special person, a dreamer, an unconscious builder of new worlds. You might even be one of Arthur Koestler's "sleepwalkers," astride the divide between ages and aeons, reshaping the future without even knowing it. Or you may simply be very dozey and droopy. No matter. You can still partake of the wonders of the world.

It doesn't matter whether you are an unconscious visionary, a sleeping prophet, narcoleptic, comatose, microcephalic, or merely stuporous from drugs or booze or overwork or too much perverted sex. YOU CAN STILL TRAVEL WHILE YOU SLEEP! This brief guide will show you (or your care­takers) exactly how.

ACTUAL - The most direct method is to JUST DO IT! Put yourself, or have someone place your insensible form, into or onto some real conveyance, such as a car, truck, bus, train, airplane, helicopter, rocketship, boat, barrel, skateboard, hang-glider, escalator, fun-park ride — whatever is appropriate, or convenient, or challenging. Then, go where it takes you. You may at times be somewhat or totally "out of it" or even brain-dead, but SOME sensations and impressions will impinge upon you. Rolling and swaying motions, alternations of hot and cold and light and dark, contacts with friends and strangers and new acquain­tances and pickpockets and necrophiles, all these will move you to your very core, if not further. Go with the flow!

Being inside a closed, moving conveyance may not be sufficient. For maximum stimulation, you should be placed outside, where you may feel the sun and moon, the wind and weather, the passing environment and its inhabitants, especially the insects. Try the deck of a boat or skateboard, the back of an open truck or motorcycle, a railroad flatcar, a balloon's basket. Thrill-seekers may even be strapped to an airplane wing or snowboard or the roof of a car or bus. You've never known excitement like this!

VIRTUAL - Some may be unable to physically travel, possibly due to confinement to life-support, or punishment. Virtual excursions remain an option. Direct cerebral stimulation requires a rather expensive brain implant, but the next best this is a common adaptation of sleep-learning: mind-tuning! Earphones and video goggles are placed on your head and a recorded travel experience is pumped into you as you lie there addle-pated. All the sounds and scenes of your adventure leap into what senses you may possess.

For even more actuality, sit in a dynamic chair that moves under you as variable fans blow air, scents, moisture, particulates, and small arthropods into your face. New gaming gloves and teledildonic devices can stimulate your tactile senses as well. You will FEEL as if you are in that polar blizzard or spinning nosecone or Tijuana brothel. You'll have all the fun of being there, with none of the risks!

IMAGINAL - Finally, you can just exercise your mental powers, if any, and dream. You need not be unconscious to do this. You can dream at any time, day or night or twilight, at work or play or rest, in weather fair or foul. You can dream for free, at no additional expense beyond your usual maintenance fees. Just tell yourself that you're in another place, and THERE YOU ARE! Language and social barriers drop away; physical dangers and impossibilities no longer limit you; motion sickness no longer afflicts you. You can go anywhere and anytime, do and be anything or anyone — your universe is boundless! And you needn't bother with ticketing and customs and immigration formalities, nor with any bureaucratic or theocratic restrictions. You've never been this free before! All you need is your imagination.

Are you tired of being tired? Are you ready for the next step beyond? Cast off your mundane limitations and GO! But before you go, please transfer all your money and valuables to the author of this articel, because once you're gone, you won't need it again. Happy trails, pardner!

NO GUILT TRIPS!
  Traveling For Pleasure Without Liberal Anxiety

I've written about the multitudinous motivations for travel (see Why Travel?) including: seeking pleasure and/or treasure; to invade or escape; by necessity or discretion or randomness or whatever. When we opt to travel for pleasure, a rational person of finite resources may choose an agenda and destination(s) that are most cost-effective, that promise the most bang for the buck.

Thus, many first-world travelers head for third-world destinations. We relish the prospect of leaving our mundane, everyday existences for some period, to journey to exotic lands where our dollars-euros-yen-sheckels-rubles will stretch as far as possible. This only makes sense. For my US$3 I can purcase a bagel in Canada, a cheeseburger in Oregon, a meal in Mexico, a day's room and board for two in India — and who knows how many murders or sexual gratifications in other places?

But when traveling cheaply, a sensitive person must be aware that there are REASONS why such-and-such a place is a real bargain. The local economy is depressed; local wage rates are extremely low; poverty and malnutrition are rampant; indigenous populations are repressed; etc. You KNOW all this, right?

This realization can lead to pathetic, overwhelming, paralysing moral suffering, usually called LIBERAL GUILT. Such guilt can drastically reduce your traveling pleasure, which rather negates your purpose for pleasure traveling. Unless you're a masochist, of course.

But such guilt generally isn't necessary, unless you actually HAVE been personally responsible for the dire socio-economic conditions of a place, such as having invaded or plundered it. If you have good reason to feel guilty, TOO FOCKING BAD! Otherwise, here are some simple steps you can take, simple and clear self-affirmations you can repeat to yourself, to help reduce your propensity for self-guilt-tripping.

1) Tell yourself, IT'S NOT MY FAULT!   I didn't drive people from their land, install any repressive dictatorships, locate any exploitable mineral deposits or petroleum reserves, crash their economy, spread any debil­itating diseases, support any corporations (like Nestles) that cause untold misery and death, engage in religious proseltysing or other forms of cultural genocide, etc. (See GENOCIDE FOR MORONS).

2) Tell yourself, I'M HELPING OUT!   My spending here is boosting the local economy, helping impoverished craftspeople and streetvendors and beggers and hotel laborers and sex workers and bribed officials support their families. I'll even donate some money and maybe some time to local charities, I promise!

3) Tell yourself, I DON'T CARE!   I'm from a strong industrial state and I work hard (or whatever) for my money and I AM GOING TO ENJOY THIS TRIP DAMMIT, no matter how much you liberal wussies moan about the miserable conditions here! These poor fockers peons are doomed anyway, and I am just NOT going to worry about their sorry brown asses! I don't feel NOBODY'S pain, dammit! Hey, boy! Bring me another tequila sunrise, pronto!

You should be aware that you needn't travel to real third-world locales to have cheap fun. Western Europeans can travel east, North Americans can visit the American south, Japanese and Europeans can come to North America, and realize tremendous bargains (based on their home currencies) with only a vanishing need to feel guilty.

So remember, if you're not now (nor have you ever been) robbing and stabbing and looting and shooting in places you visit, you have NO REASON to feel any guilt. If you're a sociopath and/or socially conservative, you won't feel any guilt anyway, no matter how much you deserve to. Have fun, kids!