Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

MicroGuides   (Travel Briefs)

Some travel subjects must be dealt with, but not at any length. They just aren't worth it. (Are ANY of these guides worth it? Wait, don't answer that question.) So here are a selection of succinct guides, especially useful for those with short attention spans. What was I saying? Whatever.

ALTERNATIVE TRAVEL
  Modes of Movement You Probably Haven't Tried

You've tried all the usual conveyances at some point or another: cars, trains, buses, planes, cycles, etc. Others you may have played at, but nothing too serious, too far, eh? But now you've been many places and you're getting bored. So why not go somewhere *differently*? I won't go into detail, just give you a list of ideas to try out.

* Long-distance canoeing, kayaking, swimming, watercycling, tube-floating, snorkeling, surfing, etc
* Stowing away on air- or water- or space-craft (don't get caught)
* Ornithopter (flying craft with flapping wings — a classic method)
* Chair-floating (attach big helium balloons to a lawn chair)
* Cart drawn by burros, dogs, goats, pigs, lamas, monsters, etc
* Flying broomstick or anything daubed with solanaceous alkaloids
* Flying carpet (must be hand-loomed) or flying horse
* Golden (or wooden) chariot (angelic or otherwise)
* UFO (invite yourself to a friendly alien abduction)
* Brachiation (swinging arm-over-arm through the trees)
* Temporation (time-travel — in reverse, not forward)
* Wormhole, teleportation, or other high-science trip
* Tunneling-burrowing (dig your own way underground)

Some of these you can try at home, some not. Be sure to check with your insurance carrier before proceeding. Good luck.

TRAVEL ELECTRONICS
  Just Which Devices & Power Supplies Need You Take?

I was going to compose a long, quickly-obsolete list of portable electronic devices that every traveler should consider carrying on their journeys, as well as the usual snide remarks about each, but fock it. I quickly decided instead to be brief, to concentrate on real necessities. Here's the digest-version list.

* PDA-phone-audiocorder-player with camera, wireless computer link, GPS
* Sub-notebook computer with disc burner & media inputs & wireless link
* Appropriate image (still+video) camera(s) and compact photo printer
* All-band radio scanner, preferable with computer control link
* Multi-spectral scanner, to peer through clothes, screens, walls, etc
* Security: taser-phaser, proximity alarm, electronic bug sniffer
* Anti-gravity / time-machine belt with personal lockout (voice-operated)
* Language translator(s), calculator, electronic insect repellent, etc

Of course, these are all battery-powered, and all the batteries are different. If you bought devices made by the same manufacturer, you may be able to use the same power supply to recharge different devices, and monkeys may fly out my butt. Ha ha ha.

INNER-DIRECTED TRAVEL
  Go Wherever Your Voices Tell You To Go

Go anywhere your inner voices tell you to go. Do whatever they tell you to do. Say whatever they tell you to say, wherever they tell you to say it. If they tell you to kill or eat or have sex with or tenderly massage any organism, human(oid) or otherwise, do so. If they direct you to the edge of a precipice, go there. If they whisper sweet nothings or virulent infor­mation or strange descriptions in your ear, believe them.

You must always have complete, implicit faith in your voices. Your voices are your friends, probably your *only* friends. Cherish your voices. For more information, see (I Always Listen To) MY VOICES.

OUTER-DIRECTED TRAVEL
  Go Wherever The Authorities Tell You To Go

Go anywhere the authorities (sacred or secular or whatever) tell you to go. Do whatever they tell you to do. Say whatever they tell you to say, wherever they tell you to say it. If they tell you to kill or eat or have sex with or tenderly massage any organism, human(oid) or otherwise, do so. If they direct you to the edge of a precipice, go there. If they whisper sweet nothings or virulent infor­mation or strange descriptions in your ear, believe them.

You must always have complete, implicit faith in the authorities. The authorities are your friends, probably your *only* friends. Cherish the authorities. For more information, turn on your television.

NON-DIRECTED TRAVEL
  Go Anyplace The Flow Happens To Take You

Start walking or driving or riding or flying or sailing or whatever. Just go anywhere. Don't worry about destinations. If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else. Strange travel directions are psychic dancing lessons. Wherever you go, there you are. Since the journey is more interesting and rewarding than the destination, it doesn't matter where you go, as long as you just go. Karma-fate-chance-divinities-demons-aliens-robots will guide you as necessary.

I discuss this a bit more in ARE WE THERE YET? Destinations and How to Attain Them which you may or may not want to read. Or you could skip randomly through this website. Remember, there are no coincidences.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF YOUR BRAIN
  Don't Let The Dogs Out

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" — but unless you're a very short dwarf, that step takes you all the way past the outlines of your cranial cavity, that sump within your skull wherein your brain (such as it is) is located.

Brain is easy to get into, but messy. That's brain, not mind — you mind is hard to get into (unless you're taking certain drugs) but it's only metaphorically messy. Mind is what brain does. Mind is infinite, while a brain is at least countable, as you have something like 10^15 (that's ten million trillion gazillion) neurons connecting in there.

Tracing your way into your brain core via the nerves or neurons would be quite tedious. For a pragmatic person like yourself to delve in, I recommend an electric drill. Use a bit at least 3/8 inch wide and 8 inches long. Start at any point on the surface and aim at the center. For more see the TREPHINATION HANDBOOK.

WANDERING THROUGH PRIVATE GARDENS
  Enjoying Nature's Helpers

Every garden is a miniature of Paradise, a recreation of the Garden of Eden as seen by the gardener(s), all of whom are God's little helpers. Some gardens are openly set aside for public access, but every garden is a reflection of God's Will and God's Glory. Therefore it is holy and right that all people should gain entry to all gardens, to bathe in God's Light.

Be ye not converned with walls and fences and gates, which can be surmounted, nor with clothing and covenants, which can be cast off, nor with the mundane powers of mundane authorities, who may or may not be bought off by mundane wealth. Approach all gardens with a holy spirit, as the holy places they are. If ye be accosted and remanded on charges, fear not, for if those who judge ye are likewise holy, ye shall be set free. But if thy judges be atheists or worse, ye could be in for a world of hurt and bother. They shall have to answer to their Creator, but that will be much later and won't help you much now. Accept thy slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune, and don't forget to tithe.

INTEMPERATE VACATIONS
  You Can Make It If You Really Try

A: Desert      Arctic    Island       Equatorial  Municipal
B: light       heavy     disposable   sun-proof   bullet-proof
C: dune buggy  sno-cat   submarine    airplane    stolen car
D: net shirt   mukluks   windbreaker  SPF-99      Kevlar vest
E: palm oases  pack ice  oil spill    quicksand   dog excrement
F: sand rats   walruses  squirrels    crocodiles  street people
G: tarantulas  iceworms  wharf rats   anacondas   pale mutants
H: buzzards    puffins   sea gulls    condors     rabid pigeons
I: desiccated  crystal   stormy       soggy       shit-brown  
J: boiling     frozen    buggy        bug-filled  inflammable
K: sweat       shiver    dance        swelter     arm yourself
L: drown       thaw      refinance    stay drunk  decontaminate

ZEN TRAVEL and DADA TRAVEL
  When Sex Just Ain't Enough

What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the sound of one foot walking? Don't give me the clap — why not impale me on that giraffe? When does the next swan ignite the modern kitchen? These and many other vital questions are asked daily by Zen Travelers and Dada Travelers when they aren't meditating or spray-painting urinals. The answers are not important, no more important than are the questions, yet these provide great satisfaction to Zen Travelers and Dada Travelers.

SATISFACTION — that is the key to Zen and/or Dada Travel. Question yourself, question reality, quest for nothingness or pandemonium or sexual oblivion or blue ploka-dotted flamingos, but have FUN as you go! Whether you eat from a begging bowl or a bedpan or the top of a plastic palm tree, Zen and/or Dada Travel can fulfill your deepest appetites, and with surpisingly few calories or infections. Be satisfied with yourself and you'll be satisfied with your journey. If you can't be satisfied, be absurd. If you can't be absurd, be orgasmic. And you don't even have to set yourself afire! Except metaphorically, maybe.

TRAVEL SOUVENIRS
  Bringing Home Only The Finest Cheap Crap

So you've traveled somewhere and you've had a real time, but you want to prove that you've actually been there. ("Nancy, my time machine is a success! I've been to ancient Greece! I have proof — look at this grape!") Your best bet is to bring back a local souvenir, some artifact displaying local provenance and culture. Then nobody can doubt you. WARNING: Unless you have actually visited China, remove or obliterate the MADE IN CHINA marking on your stuff.

Here are some typical souvenirs that can authenticate your journey:

* Pottery, carvings, jewelry, handcrafts etc. with MADE IN xxx incised
* Clothing with MADE IN xxx labels (can be found in US discount stores)
* Local foods, liquors, cigars, drugs etc. with similar labels
  (beware of Cuba-Iran-North Korea-California-etc exclusions)
* Pornographic materials in the local language with actual naked locals
* Religious, political, or other prohibited literature or materials
* Medical conditions you could only have acquired abroad (share them)
* Money, the more and more colorful, the better — real or forged
* A new life partner, human or otherwise (properly documented)

What NOT to bring back with you:

* Food wrappers, live insects (except in cages), poisonous reptiles (unless you plan to kill someone), bootleg audio-video-computer media (could be confiscated by Customs), nail and hair clippings (except for ritual use), dead animals or people, fecal samples, false gods (except for study), etc

THE ACCIDENTAL TOURIST
  What To Do When You Get Off At The Wrong Place

You read the book but you found it boring. What does it have to do with your travels? What the hell are we doing here anyway? Where am I?

If ACCIDENTAL TOURISM Is A Game, Here Are The Rules

  Get Lost And Have Fun

You wanted to go to Anchorage but ended up in Ankara while your luggage went to Argentina. Or your December trip to St Petersburg took you to Russia instead of Florida, and you only brought a bikini to wear. What a pickle. The best you can do is to enjoy it, make a game of it. All you need are rules.

• (1) Go somewhere wrong.
• (2) Scream, moan, and piss about it.
• (3) Demand that your carrier take you someplace else.
• (4) Buy some new clothes and luggage; charge them to your carrier.
• (5) Goto #1.

Keep track of all your accidental mileage and destinations. Compare your statistics with those of other players. Whover has the highest totals at the end of a month or year or whatever, wins. Losers chip in to buy them their next ticket.

CLONING FOR TRAVELERS
  How Can You Be In Two Places At Once
  When You're Not Anywhere At All?

You want to visit everywhere, see and do everything, but you just don't have the time. You've considered expedited tours (see THE TOURIST IN A HURRY - click here) but they leave out *SO* much. What to do?

That's easy — just have yourself cloned! Send your clones out to faraway places, to unique adventures, to undergo ineffable experiences. Their reactions are your reactions! And every now and then, call your clones back together so you can merge your memories and start afresh.

Several labs in Canada, China and France now offer cloning services — you might want to start by checking with the Raelians. For the memory merge, consult a Vulcan mind-meld specialist; dropouts from StarFleet Academy are usually inexpensive and fairly reliable.

Warning: Some jurisdictions and denominations place severe restrictions on clones, so check with secular and clerical attorneys before crossing any borders. Have fun, all of you!!

LOST IN THE OZONE AGAIN
  Can't See The Forest For The Decision Trees

You have some time. You have some resources. You want to go someplace, but you're not sure just where. Deciding on an adeqate destination can be so difficult, so confusing. What do do?

That's easy! Just get some calendars to mark up, make a list of all your resources, and draw up some decision tables. List all the places you might want to go, indicating all the costs and gains, the benefits and debits, the upsides and downsides. Mark which resources are appropriate for each possible destination. Quantify all the data. Then use MiniMax Analysis to determine your optimal journey. Now go!

As an alternative decision technique, mark some sheets of paper with the names of all your possible destinations. Staple the papers to a corkboard. Now throw darts. You can use the first-hit-is-a-winner method, but this is risky and rather arbitrary. Instead, throw darts many times and count the hits. Go to the destination with the most or least or mean number of hits. This is called Monte Carlo Analysis and is a respected statistical technique. You wanna be respectable, right? Well, there you are!

PORTABLE MUSIC FOR TRAVELERS
  Careful With That Sousaphone, Eugene

You're a musician of sorts. You travel somewhat. Maybe you get paid somewhat to travel and make some sort of music. In this case, you don't have much choice — you MUST carry your instrument along, even if it's a tuba or string bass or taiko drum or Hammond organ. Pianos are usually an exception, although I once met a guy whith a sawed-off upright in his cargo van. He took it wherever he went. Hmmm...

But without adequate recompense or a good-size vehicle, traveling with musical instruments can be problematic. Just try carrying a standard guitar onto an airplane these days. Hah! So, here are some suggestions for portable musical instruments:

* WINDS: Harmonicas, flute-piccolo-recorder, mini-sax, clarinet, oboe
* HORNS: Trumpet or pocket trumpet or kazoo trumpet, bugle, cornet
* STRINGS: Mandolin, ukelele or banjo-uke, fiddle, bazouki, zither
* PERCUSSION: Bongos, box drums, drum synth, mini-keyboard synth
* COMPUTER: Your laptop can function as a music production studio.
* OTHER: Your voice. Learn to sing. No oversize baggage charges.
  And other voices, especially the angels and devils in your head.

TRAVELERS AS SUPERHEROES:
  Which Hyperthyroid Mutant In Tights Are YOU?

Superheroes are rather like deities except that you know they are fictional, right? Put down that Jesus action figure and listen up. SUPERHEROES ARE FICTIONAL!! They don't exist in the real world. Yet. But just wait as biomed­ical technology develops. They'll come along soon enough.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with identifying with superheroes. You CAN be StupendousGirl or Wonder Warthog or Captain Armenia or the Human Drench or PlasterMan or SpiderNerd or WereWaldo or Fatman or whomever you want. All you need are the costume and the willpower.

Traveling as a caped crusader is loads of fun! You get to wear tights and/or a bustiere and/or a mask as well as the (optional) cape. You'll be bright and colorful, not like your usual self. You'll make lots of friends. You'll get lots of exercise. You'll dispense super-justice and thwart super-villains. What vacation could be better? Just don't try to wrestle a mandrill.