Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

TRAVEL TALK:
  Essential Vocabulary For Your Journeys

Whenever you travel to places where your language or dialect isn't commonly or comprehendingly spoken, you should learn enough of the local lingo to get by. This is especially important in areas where you THINK you understand the gist of things but where colloquialisms may lead you astray. Thus in the US and northern Mexico, the request "Yo quiero un burrito!" will get you served a big flour tortilla wrapped around spicy beans and stuff, but further south you'll end up with a small donkey. (For more examples, see SPANISH LESSONS).

It's best to avoid slang and stick with the basics. Following are some essential phrases you should translate and memorize.

• * My name is ____________ and I am not a narc, really.
• * Please. Thank you. Gimmee that. Sorry. Fuck off.
• * Which way is the (airport / bus station / train station / bomb shelter / escape tunnel)?
• * Where can I find a (doctor / dentist / dealer / forger / abortionist / anarchist / pianist)?
• * This is not just any goat; this is my (girlfriend / boyfriend / lawyer / priest / dinner).
• * Give me all your money or I will (shoot you / explode this grenade / piss on your foot)!
• * Please do not (exhale / smoke / fart / cry) on me.
• * Would you like (fries / tortillas / poi) with your order?
• * I will not go with you, no matter what you do.
• * OUCH!! Ok, ok, stop that, I'll come right along.
• * My heart is on fire, it's aflame with desire.
• * How much does it cost to (sleep with you / marry you / get out of jail / use the toilet)?
• * I regret that I have but one asterisk for my country.
• * Is this a nude beach or an extermination camp?
• * If I want any crap out of you, I'll squeeze your head.
• * (To a fellow inmate:) I'm sorry I called you a dirty extortionist, darling.
• * Which (passport / currency / breast) would you like to see?
• * Can't we work this out somehow? How much?
• * Get your (hand / foot / tentacle / cattle prod) off of me!
• * My name it is nothing, my age it is less; the country I come from is called (the Midwest / Canada / Russia / Upper Slobovia / United Ireland / Petrolia).

These should get you off to a good start. Please refer to PRAYING AND CURSING WHILE TRAVELING for additional material that should work in any language.

TRAVEL FOOD:
  As Long As You Don't Have To Eat Crow

Depending on when and where and how you undertake your journeys, you may find food that is familiar or very different, cheap or very expensive, abundant or unavailable. You can minimize culinary surprises by only going to places where your favorite McFood or MegaMart chain is located, but this is rather boring and limiting. You can maximize surprises by visiting places renowned for their local specialties, such as the swamp creatures served in Mexico's Tehuantapec and Tabasco areas and the Deep South of the USA.

Here are a number of culinary strategies you may undertake:

• * PARANOID (I) - Take your own foods and prepare them yourself
• * PARANOID (II) - Patronize only eateries whose names you recognize from home.
• * ORGANIZED (I) - Visit every BrandX food franchise in the entire world. Eat nothing but.
• * ORGANIZED (II) - Visit every BBO or Fish'n'Poi or stewed blubber purveyor in a region.
• * EXPERIMENT (I) - Count as you go. Eat at every Nth chowhouse whether you're hungry or not.
• * EXPERIMENT (II) - Put a list of local eateries on a tree. Throw a dart. Go where it points you.
• * EXPERIMENT (III) - Only stop at eateries whose name starts with a specific letter.
• * EXPERIMENT (IV) - Stop somewhere whenever you are hungry. Eat there.

Remember the USDA designated FOOD PYRAMID and FOOD GROUPS. Be sure your meals include a balanced combination of all the major food groups: STARCH, FAT, SALT and ALCOHOL. When in doubt, beer and peanuts provide adequate nourishment.

You may prefer ethnic seven-course dinners, such as: POLISH (a six-pack of beer and a sausage); IRISH (six potatoes and a quart of whiskey); JAPANESE (six sushi rolls and a jug of sake); MEXICAN (six tacos and a litre of mescal); or COLUMBIAN (six lines of coke and a blowjob). Et cetera.

HUNTER-GATHERER:

You can try living off the land. Kill things. Go hunting, fishing, foraging for eggs, etc. Many fruits can be picked from trees — if challenged, say that you're hunting for truffles or morels. Many vegetables can be picked from gandens — if challenged, say that you're hunting for rabbits or groundhogs.

Foraging from store shelves is usually frowned upon.

Foraging for fungi (mushrooms) is usually unlicensed and unregulated, and can be very profitable, especially if you know dealers for the psychedelic varieties.

Wild birds abound all around you — kill them and eat them. The same goes for cats, dogs, bears and moose (in the NorthWest), wild piglets and undocumented aliens (in the SouthWest), wild horses and burros and cattle. And when you run out of ammo, there's always roadkill. As long as you don't have to eat crow, eh? Bon appetit!

OBSESSIVE TRAVEL:
  When You REALLY MUST Go Someplace

There are some things you just MUST do and some places you just MUST travel to. It's good to have a mission, a goal, some rules, some sense of order in your otherwise chaotic and meaningless life. Give yourself that structure; follow your obsession; and you'll always know what to do next. You don't want to be lost and alone in a hostile, uncaring world, do you? I thought not.

Here are some samples of goals you can set for yourself and your travels. Pick and choose, or work up your own, or send me US$5000 for a secret set of obsessions.

GENEOLOGY

Follow your ancerstors. Use the standard resources (geneological societies, internet, Mormon archives, etc) to trace your family tree as far as possible. Then visit every place your ancestors ever lived, where they were born and married and executed and buried (except at sea). Go to their houses (break in if necessary) and churches and jails and asylums. Sleep in their beds, eat at their tables, use their latrines. Lose yourself in their pasts.

CULINARY

Visit every McFood or BrandX eatery in the world. Check their corporate websites for locations. Eat nothing but their offerings. You needn't be single-branded; pick several franchise chains, preferably with the same specialty: fried chicken, pizza, hamburgers, haggis, fried okra, etc. Keep a check list. For added discipline, visit them in a specified order: alphabetical, chronological, astrological, etc.

GEOGRAPHY

Visit all the states-provinces-territories in a nation or region. Visit all the counties-parishes-burroughs-departments-municipios in a state-province-territory. Visit all their capitols. Do so in alphabetic-chronological-religious order. Or reversed. Plot a map with many colors and lines. Put it online. Invite comments and comparisons. Stack up yours against theirs. Try to outdo them. NEVER QUIT!

THEMATIC (I)

Don't visit a landmark, but walk everywhere beyond (X) distance from which you can see it. Trespass on restricted or private property if necessary. Take photos and GPS readings. Post these online. Brag.

THEMATIC (II)

Choose a certain type of landmark, such as all the public fountains-statues-culverts-parks-restrooms-etc in a city or county or other area. Visit them all. Walk backwards. Unroll a string as you go.

THEMATIC (III)

In a city or area, map all the streets whose names start with a specific letter. Visit them. Or in a region or country, find all the cities and towns with a street bearing a certain name. Or on a continent, find all the towns with the same specific name. Visit them all, in some arbitrary but necessary order.

RELIGIOUS (I)

In an area, find all the churches-temples-mosques-etc of a specific denomination or bearing the same specific name. Visit them all. For extra points, do something consistent at each one: leave a small or large or bizarre offering, or paint a message on it, or firebomb it, etc.

RELIGIOUS (II)

As above, locate and visit all the religious cemetaries or seminaries that meet some arbitrary but necessary criteria. As above, leave some offering and/or desecration. Be sure to plot your maps.

COMMERCIAL

In a region, find and visit all the retail outlets of your favorite brand(s). Try to return something at each one. Or visit all the commercial facilities of your favorite company, especially military-aerospace contractors. Take many telephotos.

TRANSPORTATION

In a region, visit every seaport and/or airport and/or spaceport and/or train-bus-subway-taxi-rickshaw station. Take many telephotos, especially of craft arriving and departing, and of security facilities. If challenged, say that you are an Iranian artist.

INFRASTRUCTURE

As above, visit every major bridge and/or dam and/or factory and/or power plant and/or fuel facility and/or military base and/or governmental center, etc. Take photographs and sound recordings, with date-time-GPS noted.

ASTRONOMY

Visit every observatory you can find, whether open to the public or not. Demand to look through the telescopes, even the radio dishes. Be careful where you put your head, and watch out for solar observatories.

RECREATION

Compile lists of your favorites: fishing lakes, bowling alleys, nude beaches, skateboard parks, horse or cycle or auto raceways, roller rinks, sports stadia, gold courses, cockfighting-boxing-wrestling rings, whatever. Visit, photograph, brag.

ECOLOGICAL

Visit game reserves, sustainable farms, wild and scenic rivers, toxic waste dumps, endangered species habitats, carnivorous animal ranges, sewage treatment plants, maelstroms, glaciers, etc. Photograph yourself there with your clothes off.

HISTORICAL

Visit famous old battlefields, fortresses, prisons, ghettoes, concen­tration camps, invasion routes, ambush sites, etc. Imagine yourself there at the time. Immerse youself in the experience. Stay there.

POLITICAL

Visit significant locations in the careers of you most and/or least favorite political figures and parties. Vibrantly express your admiration and/or disgust. Leave an offering or desecration. Take pictures.

ENTERTAINMENT (I)

Locate the residences and routes of significant stars, celebrities, personae. Follow them everywhere. Phone them at all hours, send them endless email and telegrams. Express your adulation and/or disgust. Take many many pictures.

ENTERTAINMENT (II)

Compile a comprehensive list of music festivals, live concerts by your fave performers, opera houses, honky-tonks with live music, etc. In any desired category, attend them all. Record the sights and sounds and sell bootlegs.

And there you have a few ideas on how to organize your miserable empty life, to give yourself a purpose if not a meaning. For a meaning, engross yourself in some Human Game(s) (political-religious-economic-athletic-artistic activities). See KNOWLEDGE vs. BELIEF for more on Games. Sayonara, suckers.

OBSESSIVE JOURNALING/BLOGGING:

If you don't record it or at least write it down, it never happened. Keep exhaustive journals. Post regular instantaneous updates on your blog(s). Record events and thoughts etc in many media and modes — see GRAPHIC TRAVEL for suggestions. Remember, everything you observe and pass through is HISTORY IN THE MAKING. This isn't just scrapbooking, it's historicism. Or, as a famous scholar once said: "Bullshit is bullshit, but the study of bullshit is scholarship." Keep that in mind. Please.