Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

HOW TO SHIT ALMOST ANYWHERE:
  A Complete Guide to Elimination for Travelers

You may have read a slim volume titled HOW TO SHIT IN THE WOODS, which covers back-country sanitation in exhaustive detail. (This book was followed by an anecdotal, non-instructive sequel, UP SHIT CREEK, which isn't germane here.) It could have been called: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Shitting in the Woods but Were Afraid to Ask. But how much detail do you need?

The basics are pretty simple: Always travel in the bush with a trowel and some sanitary tissue (old bibles and phone books may also suffice). For health's sake, stay away from running water, trails, anthills, and poison oak. Dig a hole, squat over it, plop, wipe yourself off, and cover the mess. Watch out for bears, snakes, yetis, and tigers.

But there's more to the world than just forest. That basic technique may be good enough for range and steppes and prairies, for open deserts (watch for scorpions) and empty beaches (beware the sand fleas) and farmland, for public parks and private yards at night (be alert for dogs), etc. But other situations require other skills.

HOW 2 SHIT ON ICE

You're strolling happily across an icepack, glacier, frozen lake or pond, iceberg, or whatever, when The Need strikes you. You can't just drop your drawers and hang your butt out right there, because the forty-below wind will freeze your nether regions rather quickly. Luckily, you had the foresight to pack an ICE-JOHN^(TM), a handy form-fitting fur-rimmed roll-up polycarbonate tube that lets you sit comfortably in any near-Arctic conditions, insulated from frostbite as you squeeze your bowels out. Don't worry about cleanup — everything will rapidly freeze solid.

HOW 2 SHIT IN THE SNOW

Quickly build a little protective semi-igloo, into which you'll nestle your quivering buttocks. You'll be sheltered from the wind, but watch out for snow-worms. When done, just collapse the walls. Hey guys! Don't dangle your family jewels too close to the surface! You can never tell what's hiding in there, just waiting for an opportunity to nibble.

HOW 2 SHIT AT A PUBLIC BEACH

You have two options. If the water is warm, just swim out a ways, clear away any obstructions, and bear down. Swim away immediately afterwards, letting the water wash you clean, naturally, organically. If it's not werm enough to immerse yourself comfortably, dig a big hole in the sand and bury yourself, leaving a deep sump beneath your tush. Grunt and groan quietly. Be sure to put your swim suit (if any) back on before digging out. Plaster an innocent expression on your face. Pray that the giant sand worms haven't sensed your vibrations.

HOW 2 SHIT IN A HURRICANE etc

Open the shelter door just a little ways and jam it securely in place so the wind doesn't catch it. Stick your ass UP not DOWN, and let fly. After your bum is air-scrubbed, pull back inside and hastily shut and latch the door. Remark to your fellow refugees that it wasn't nearly as bad as the last hurricane-tornado-cyclone-typhoon-whatever you lived through. Sigh loudly.

HOW 2 SHIT IN A VOLCANO:

Be very careful. Watch out for steam vents, pools of molten lava, testy kobolds, etc. Move fast. Don't wait around. That bad sulfurous smell in the air isn't just you.

HOW 2 SHIT IN THE CITY

Enter any apartment or office building, knock on any door, flash your wallet, and identify yourself as a Building Inspector, Washroom-Bath­room Division. Demand to inspect theirs. Once inside, do your thang. When you leave, offer the occupants a piece of paper stamped INSPECTED-APPROVED but solicit a bribe before handing it over.

ALTERNATIVE I: You can just pass through the doorway of any bar or restaurant and head for the head, if you dare. Fast-food franchises are usually quite handy and they're used to dealing with lots of shit. Note that gay bars, biker bars, punk-rap bars, and foreign eateries may have especially interesting facilities, with many opportunities for quaint and unique personal interactions.

ALTERNATIVE II: Go to a 'trendy' district. Post one or more signs announcing PERFORMANCE ART. Squat and perform. Call in fellow 'artists' to add their contributions. You may hold a press conference, and ramble obliquely and incoherently about the signals and messages contained in your art. Complain that you are misunderstood.

HOW 2 SHIT IN SUBURBIA

Walk up to any house and knock on the front door. Tell whomever opens the door that you have a message from God and you must speak to them inside. When they let you in, tell them that God will deliver the message in their nearest bathroom, and you'll be honored to retrieve it for them. Go inside, close the door, do your business, flush, then yell OH GOD! OH GOD! while you wash up. Exit the room, tell the householders that God's blessings are upon them, and leave.

HOW 2 SHIT IN MEXICO

The toilet may lack a seat, the stall may lack paper, but there's always an adjacent basket. Be prepared. Gather whatever paper you need ahead of time. Enter the enclosure. Close the door, if any. Pay no attention to the walls or floor, if any. If there's no toilet seat, grit your teeth and sit on the bowl rim (after scrubbing it thoroughly). Squat and squeeze, then wipe your butt, but DO NOT put any paper down the toilet — that's what the basket is for. Flushing sanitary tissues down a Latin American toilet is an invitation to disaster. So is eating anything that's not been properly sterilized, but that's another story.

HOW 2 SHIT IN URBAN EUROPE

Here (and in many other places) you must pay an attendant. The attendant is not your friend. Do not smile at the attendant. Take whatever papers and/or towels they may give you. Hope for the best. German toilets contain little interior ledges so that you may inspect your deposit. Be sure to look close. You may be amazed by what was in you.

HOW 2 SHIT IN CHINA & JAPAN

Except in fancy tourist facilities, you will NOT find actual toilets, just holes in the floor. In Japan you should replace your footwear with bathroom sandals; in China, don't even think about touching your shoes or boots. Arrange your clothing, squat, hope, and pray. Hope and pray that giant Asiatic dung beetles aren't lurking below. Hope and pray that you can stand up after a full squat, that your knees don't give out. Pray and hope for a fast one.

In future editions of this guide we'll discuss shitting among animals (don't be too friendly), shitting among ET aliens (voluntarily supply samples), shitting among politicians (as if they'd even notice), and shitting on the Moon and Mars and other planets (be careful with the space suit). Have fun, and don't step in it.

TRAVEL GAMES:
  As Long As You Don't Have To Eat Crow

Travel usually takes time and thus invokes tedium. Waiting for a convey­ance; waiting for it to convey you somewhere; once there, waiting to do something interesting. There is always much time to be organized and occupied, often by religious-political-economic-athletic-artistic activities aka HUMAN GAMES (click here) or otherwise by board or card games, or such social-parlor-psychological games as can be found in HOYLE'S RULES or Berne's GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. Some of these games are readily adopted for or adapted to travel.

Counting Games

Pick a category, and each player tallies their observations. The winner is the first to reach a certain count, or with the highest count at the end of some period. Items to count may include: licesns plates, female bicyclists, tuba players, mad dogs, cops, UFOs, circus geeks, corpses, etc.

Electronic Games

These are so common as to be trivial. Enhance the fun by wiring electrodes into the players — losers to receive massive shocks, winners to have their pleasure centers stimulated.

Board Games

When traveling, simpler and sturdier is better. You may buy cheap multi-game sets including magnetized pieces, or pieces held in place with pegs, glue, blood, pins, etc. Note that Chinese Checkers isn't really suited for travel, but much fun may ensue by spilling the marbles across hard walking surfaces and seeing who falls where.

Dominoes

Very aggressive versions of dominoes are played throughout the Third World, often for great stakes. Learn and conquer.

Card Games

Besides the usual (whist, rummy, strip poker, Bullshit / I Doubt It, war, etc) with a standard deck, try using alternative decks: educational, scurrilous, Tarot, opaque-blank, Rhine telepathy, artistic, etc.

Word Games

Play free-association: each player unthinkingly responds to the others' words; or translate between languages; or exclaim PRAYERS AND CURSES (click here) in as many languages as possible; or compose a story, each player adding a paragraph in turn; or each player insults the next (or others) in turn; or each player describes a sexual act with the next (or others) in turn; or each player denounces another to the authorities, etc.

Sex Games

Each player performs a sexual act on the next (or others). See also the SEX GAMES INDEX (click here).

Sharp Implement Games

Adopt darts or mumblety-peg (knife throwing) by trying to hit robots, aliens, people, animals, or other moving targets.

Human Games

Choose a position or dogma in an area of politics, religion, economics, athletics or art/music. Expound upon it enthusiastically, even violently, ie: Beethoven or Bush or Buddha or Bucky or Boxing SUCKS or ROCKS or whatever. Try hard to convert others to your position, by force if necessary. Once you've assembled a team-cohort-cadre, schism into hostile factions. Write rules to define your position; expunge all those who disobey. Continue forever. For much more, see HUMAN GAMES (click here).

Alien Games

By whatever arbitrary rules you choose, determine which player is most likely an alien or abductee. See also the ALIEN GAMES INDEX (click here).

Food Games

Each player tries to eat the most of some type of (preferably foreign) food; or identify the mystery meat or whatever; or withstand the hottest spice or deadliest toxin; or prepare or consume the grossest dish. These can be included with Drinking Games: drink the most or weirdest or strongest or grossest local beverage, etc. preferably while also playing Word Games and/or Sex Games and/or trying to remember all verses to the song THREE WHORES OF WINNIPEG.

Health Games

Players describe theior worst injuries or illnesses — the grossest or most serious wins; or players demonstrate therapies on other players, such as: acupunture, sensual massage, Rolfing, chemotherapy, hydrotherapy, aromatherapy, etc. See also the HEALTH GAMES INDEX (click here)..

Drug Games

As with Food Games and Drinking Games: players consume odd doses of odd substances and not the effects. Survivors win, non-survivors lose.

Mind Games

Players attempt to exert mental and emotional control over others, as in Berne's GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. Also see MIND CONTROL GAMES (click here).

Solitaire Games

Note that many of the above can or should be played alone. One can also play puzzles, or daydream, or masturbate, or keep a journal (same thing); or, if driving, squash animals and slow humans on the road.