LOVE AND SEX FOR TRAVELERS:
You Wanted To Know But Were Afraid To Ask
Travel is romantic; 'tis always been so. Not just the romance OF the roads, but romance IN and ON the roads. "Why don't we do it in the road?" asked Sir Paul McCartney, and we all nodded in agreement. And that's only natural. Sex and love lie deep within all living things; them who don't care for the mechanics of reproduction don't last long in evolutionary history.
Many hominids travel expressly for physical (or mental) romance. Some can't "get it up" or "get it on" at home, and go a-roaming to seek the proper and necessary stimulus. Some need the exoticism of nearly-naked natives and non-natives cavorting in the sun, hence the popularity of "spring break" activities, Club Med vacations, and nearly every tropical excursion. Some head for Third World destinations (or Western Europeans come to North America or Eastern Europe) where all costs are less, including paid sex. Some just infest Old World capitols in the hope that they'll "score."
As a traveler, here are some helpful tips to ease your way down the royal road to romance. Keep in mind that, if you don't go with a pile of money, you'd better be DAMN attractive or persuasive or desperate. Adjust your standards accordingly.
- * Just because they're very young and/or expensive, doesn't mean they aren't diseased.
- * Applying "date rape" drugs to others is very immoral; take them yourself can lead to memorable experiences that you won't remember, so be sure that pictures and videos are taken.
- * You'll score a LOT more if you discard your silly prejudices about gender, color, age, weight and odor.
- * Taking more drinks or drugs will improve other people's appearances but not your own.
- * Learn to ask for fornication in 56 languages; you may get some interesting replies.
- * Any lame pickup line will eventually work with somebody. Probably. Just keep trying.
- * Lacking money, you'll more likely score among targets who look rather like you, maybe with body hair differently arrayed.
- * For easy scores, remember that fat and ugly folks are grateful for ANY attention. If you're fat and ugly, you'll be grateful too. Good luck.
- * Everybody has a price. But how much, and of what, and can you come up with it?
- * Some men need a good woman. Some men need a good man. Some men need a good sheep. Et cetera.
- * Vibrators, cameras, honey, and duct tape, can be both your best friends and your worst enemies.
- * "Sex is filthy and disgusting, but only if it's done right." —Woody Allen, director of HONEY, I FOCKED THE KIDS
- * Professionals won't need calculators to compute currency exchange rates, but *you* might.
- * Sex happens inside your head. Remember this the next time something gets stuck in your ear.
- * Those explicit tapes and discs you bought in another part of the world might not play at home. Too bad, sucker.
- * Messages always help. Wear a T-shirt or button explaining exactly what you want. Watch the eyes pop.
- * You could fall in love in a foreign land, or a foreigner might actually fall for you. It could work out. Anything can happen.
- * Chimpanzees are almost human. Could you do any worse?
- * The farther you go from home, the stranger things get. Go far enough away and you could almost be interesting.
- * When performing free-fall sex, be sure to wear a parachute.
- * Sex on a plane or bus is probably not as comfortable as sex on a train, except for subway cars.
- * In some places, at some times, a brothel might have the best rooms in town.
- * A bell captain or room steward is NOT authorized to perform marriages and/or divorces.
- * If you screw on a beach, you WILL get sand in your most uncomfortable places. But don't let that stop you.
- * When doing bondage, be sure you know how to say UNTIE ME NOW! in the local language.
- * Foreign genitilia probably aren't oriented differently than yours, but you could always act surprised anyway.
- * If it itches and drips, you may have done something wrong with it.
- * All foreigners will desire and love you. Keep telling yourself this.
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THE JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME:
Taking The Most Memorable Trip Imaginable
To some, the lifetime IS the journey. You're launched (reluctantly or impatiently, depending) into an uncaring world and you go through the usual stages: the shitty infancy, the snot-nosed kid-hood, the messy puberty, the sullen adolescence, the frenzied seeking, the stultifying wage-slavery, the inadequate retirement, the dribbling senility, and finally the long sleep. It's the inevitable trip through life...
But that's probably not what you were looking for when you turned here. You want to know about EXCITEMENT and ADVENTURE and THRILLS and EXPERIENCES in travel, right? I could warn you about adventure but you probably wouldn't listen. See ADVENTURES IN TRAVEL (click here) if you care. Whatever. Anyway, here's a list of some whiz-bang trips.
- # Boat down a long river! Canoe down the MacKenzie of Zambezi or Indus! Take a launch along the Columbia or Amazon or Volga! Water trips are always romantic, and on a river you're never out of sight of land, unless you keep your head bagged. Propel yourself down the stream and you're among a select few who have ever accomplished that! Take a commercial passenger boat and you'll stay much more comfortable! To be really unique, surf the Mississippi!
- # If you can stand open oceans, take a long, slow, round-the-world voyage! Avoid those ticky-tacky short-haul up-the-coast-and-back cruise liners that are really just overpacked maine snack bars, floating hog-troughs — they lack class and true leisure, and they're over with MUCH too soon.
- # Take a long train ride — the Trans-Canadian and Trans-Siberian, those are the longest and best. But are they still running? The much shorter 'long' runs across the US or Europe are hardly adventures any more, not nearly as much so as riding the New York City subways non-stop for a few weeks. Hmmm, maybe train rides don't belong on this list.
- # Back to the water. Paddle a sea-kayak from Seattle along Brutish Columbia's coast into Alaska's Inland Passage to Anchorage and the Aleutians, doing all the islands along the way! Experience primeval splendor whilst dodging the daily cruise liners — no, you'll stay too close to shore for them to bother you! Play with the seals and otters and orcas!
- # In a similar but warmer vein, kayak or canoe the the Caribbean, across the long arc of the Greater and Lesser Antilles from the Bahamas to Trinidad! Or paddle among the thousands of islands comprising Indonesia and the Philipines, or along the warm and heavily-guarded shores of the Persian-Arabian Gulf or South China Sea or the fabled Mediterranean!
- # Try a long bicycle or moped or golfcart tour! Do the Americas, from Alaska's Pruhoe Bay to Tierra del Fuego's Cape Horn! Or start at Africa's Cape of Good Hope and thread northward all the way to Norway's Nordkapp! Or west-to-east, from Portugal's Finisterre to Siberia's Mys Dezhneva on the Bering Strait! Then keep going — make it a round-the-world ride!
- # If your resources allow, fly around the planet, by latitude or longitude or both. Not by commercial airliners — the only adventure there is the competition for worst schedules & service and food. No, do it by small plane, or balloon, or airship. For a real thrill, strap your supplies and a few weather balloons to your sturdy lawn chair and take an open-air archair ride on the Jet Stream! Your expenses will be low Low LOW!!
- # For ground-based travel, the basic principles for realizing your TJOAL (The Journey Of A Lifetime) are 1) Get to some other continent, and 2) see all the major guidebook-recommended sights there. Australians can achieve such a TJOAL by taking a bus tour across North America, stopping in Montreal, New York City, Chicago, St Louis, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Los Angeles and Disneyland, and Tijuana. This TJOAL need only last 10-14 days.
- # Corresponding TJOALs on other continents may vary a bit in length, depending only on distances and number of allowed stops. Still, to get the most from your TJOAL, you should stay a bit longer.
- The other basic continental TJOALs are
- * EuroMed: London, Paris, Berlin, Stockholm, St Petersburg, Istanbul, Cairo and Pyramids, Athens, Rome and Pompeii, Madrid, Marrakech, home.
- * Africa: Cairo, Nairobi, Zanzibar, Lake Victoria, Capetown, Lagos, Dakar, Casablanca, home.
- * AustralAsia: Tokyo, Beijing and Great Wall, Hong Kong, Bangkok, Bombay, Dubai, Colombo, Melbourne, Aukland, Djkarta and Bali, Manilla, home.
- * LatAmerica: Miami, Havana, Trinidad, Rio de Janiero, Tierra del Fuego, Lima and Machu Picchu, Cozumel-Cancun, Mexico City, home.
- You'll note that most continental TJOALs involve a lot of flying, not just rolling around on the ground. That's how the travel biz works these days. Get used to it.
- # Planet Earth is getting smaller and smaller (see Earth Is Shrinking - click here); and as travel becomes faster and cheaper and more ubiquitous, it's harder and harder to have any real TJOALs here. The obvious solution is to get off-planet! Private passenger launches will soon be with us; or you can rent a spot on a Russian Soyuz space shot; or, for a bit more expense, you can buy into one of the upcoming planetary missions. Visit Mars, Venus, Ganymede, Uranus! As astra per aspera!
- # For other sorts of TJOALs you can try Pilgrimage (click here) or InnerSpace Exploration (click here) or just try anything that will land you in prison or an asylum for a long long time. Or, make your life itself the journey — just keep going. Climb every mountain, cross every stream, follow every rainbow, etc. The road leads on forever, eh?
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TOURISTS
