Go2Go2Go2
^{Travel Exhortations by Ric Carter}

WHEN & WHERE NOT TO CAMP:
  Pack It Out, Buddy

You've got all your camping stuff together — tent(s), sleeping and cooking and lounging gear, maybe a beer cooler and some cool electronics. Or maybe you prefer campering, rolling your trailer or RV somewhere for some civilized sojourn. Whatever. But not all camping or campering situations are equal. Some are great. And there are times and places where you should tell yourself, "Maybe I'd better move on." But how do you know? Here are some guidelines:

# Don't stay in the path of hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, forest fires, avalanches, toxic spills, migrating tarantulas, army ants, riotous mobs, troop movements, refugee flows, or outlaw motorcycle runs.

# Don't pitch your tent next to warning signs, KEEP OUT or NO TRES­PASSING or MILITARY RESERVATION signs, high-voltage power lines, international borders, steep cliffs, or lava pits.

# Don't park your RV or trailer-hauler in soft sand, muddy holes, target practice ranges (especially tanks and field artillery), bison preserves, devastated inner cities, landing strips, storm channels, private drive­ways, railway lines, or ambulance lanes.

# Think twice about camping there if local radio/TV warns of marauding bears or tigers or other predators, fast-rising waters, alien invasions and abductions, maniacal mass murderers or escaped prisoners, or supernovas.

# Wherever you are: If someone points a weapon at you and tells you to leave, LEAVE! IMMEDIATELY!

# If you're at an ocean beach and the water suddenly recedes, HEAD UPHILL NOW! FAST! FASTER!

# If you're parked on open rangeland and a herd of cattle is stampeding towards you, DRIVE AWAY!

# If you drive into a campground and it's filled with porcupines or skunks or mad dogs or geese or rattlesnakes or chupacabras or fire ants or accordion players, DO NOT OPEN YOUR DOORS!

# If you pull into a campsite and the occupants are all dead or smoking or glowing or possessed or zombis or werewolves or vampires or aliens or robots, DO NOT STOP! GO AWAY! PRONTO!

ULTRA-CHEAP RVing:
  The Most Roading Bang For Your Finite Bucks

So you're driving around North America in some sort of RV, from maybe a monster Grey­hound Sceniy­Cruiser-sized behemoth down to a micro-rice­burner pickup with a homey­made camper shell. Or maybe you sleep in your van or sedan. Whatever. And you're Jubilado (retired) or pobrecito (broke) or Schottisch (frugal) or otherwise on limited funds. You want to drive around, see stuff. How can you afford to? [HINT: Stay out of Canada.]

Following are some real tips for stretching your dollars. And be sure to see How2 Travel on US$35-$48 per Day and How2 Stay Healthy & Fed, Cheap (south of the Rio Grande).

OVERNIGHT

* Avoid for-fee parks and camp facilities unless you absolutely must be there, like if you're too exhausted or sick to look for alternatives, or there are NO alternatives, or you REALLY need to hook up to power, water, TV, Internet, etc. And look for included showers.

* In the US, in western states anyway, are plenty of free or cheap National Forest campgrounds, and zillions of acres of public land available for free squatting. Squat camping is a major cost saver.

* You can often park for free on the asphalt at a WalMart or Canadian Tire or other retailer. Might be a bit noisy.

* In a for-fee campground with self-registration, lacking a fee-collecting lackey attendant, you just might write the wrong date on the envelope. Tomorrow's date. Then you might stay two nights. But that's dishonest. If caught, you can try to claim that you didn't know the date. But it's still dishonest and you know it. Don't be bad. How can you live with yourself?

* Re-read When and Where Not to Camp.

FOOD-WATER

* Prepare your own food. Eating out is expensive. Even McFood. Even in Mexico and Guatemala, at least in sit-down establishments.

* Don't shy away from roadkill. (I'm just kidding, right? Right?)

* If firewood is supplied free, you can cook up a whole pile of food without expending your own fuel. Fuel costs.

* If you're going someplace where food stuffs are costly due to taxes and/or freight and/or greed, stock up where it's more reasonable. Beware of unavailability — we should have brought a pile of cornmeal! Note that in Canada, coffee and alcohol prices will stop your heart, while most other stuff only costs twice as much as stateside. Except maybe maple syrup in bulk. And mad-cow beef.

* Produce and farm goods in Mexico and south costs MUCH less than north of the Rio Grande. Do your shopping there.

* Don't buy gallon jugs of water in markets — they're badly made and leak all too often. Buy heavy jugs of fruit juice and refill them at potable water sources. Many US and Canada locations have Sani-Dump stations for emptying your RV waste tanks — potable water may be available there for free. The local Visitors' Center staff should be able to direct you to a water source. South of the Rio Grande, it's bottled water all the way.

* Re-read How2 Stay Healthy & Fed, Cheap.

MONEY, HONEY

* If you run out of cash, WalMart can always use another greeter.

* For money, there's the old RV-gypsy trick of taking a table at a weekend flea market to sell your handicrafts. You CAN handcraft something, can't you? If not, I guess you'll starve.

* You CAN drive to Mexico and Guatemala and beyond, buy cheap craftworks, bring them back north for resale. But do you have actual customers? Don't buy anything you wouldn't want to keep.

* Smuggling is for professionals.

* Collect pictures, not trinkets.

* Cheap tires are not a bargain.

* Don't drive too far too fast. Distance + speed = $$$.

* Re-read How2 Travel on US$35-$48 per Day.

MISCELLENY

DECISIONS: Don't exchange money at a border. Don't exchange money when you're tired. Don't cross borders when you're tired. Don't make repair or purchase decisions when you're tired. Don't do anything involving money or documents when you're tired. Don't be in a hurry about any of this unless someone is chasing you.

INTERNET: Free WiFi (Wireless Internet) hotspots can be found near major motels-hotels, some RV parks, some cafes, and many US forest ranger stations. (WiFi at schools, hospitals, libraries and offices usually requires a password.) Free Internet terminals can be found at most public libraries and some visitors' centers.

(Under constructions -- more coming soon -- stay tuned.)

BICYCLE TO HELL AND BACK
  It's Not Nearly As Far As You Think

The basics are simple. Merely select any BAD TRAVEL DESTINATION (click here) or any culture's VERSION OF HELL (click here). Bicycle there. Survive or whatever. Bicycle back. Drink lots of water. See, that was easy! Now try another hellish destination! And another!

If that's not hellish enough, equip your mountain bike with asbestos tires and ride down the inner slope of an active volcanic crater. Approach the lava pools. When you start to sizzle, it's time to turn back. Pedal your ass up OUT of that crater, head for the nearest pub, and a nice stout pint or three of ale — you've earned that, haven't you?

If you're a masochist, repeat that ride or pick another hellish destination. Be sure to keep a journal, take notes and pictures and videos, etc. If you don't write it down, it never happened.

TO HELL AND BEYOND:
  Journeying to Various Underworlds, Overworlds, and Other Afterworlds

Human history has seen many cultures and creeds. Many, past and present, possess supernatural belief systems; and many don't, but forget about those losers. Many supernatural belief systems include the survival of souls (and many don't) and thus incorporate death Afterlife concepts. And that's where this guide is going.

Ah, so many Afterworlds, worlds beyond life, existence beyond existence! Heavens and Hells and Purgatories, Stygian Fields and Elysian Fields and Happy Hunting Grounds, Paradises and Gehennas; places where past Mortals become and mingle with the Immortals! Such variety! (For some examples, see GEOGRAPHIES OF HELL - click here).

As an experienced traveler, you've probably seen almost all there is to see in and on this world. You likely don't have access to the technologies that can take you to other worlds, not unless you're on a team that's been in contact eith ET aliens or studying crashed flying saucers. So when faced with the question, "What NEW places can I go?" the answer is obvious: Try an Afterworld!

So many Afterworlds to choose from! How to decide, and how to journey? It's simple. Just study a multitude of cultures and creeds, see which most appeals to you, and GO FOR IT!

Getting there is the easy part. All you have to do is die. This can be arranged for a very low cost, although there are big-budget options available for conspicuous consumers.

Returning is a bit trickier, but by no means impossible. If you are determined to return, as a day-tripper or long-term visitor, and not just migrate, you should adopt a belief system that incorporates reincarnation. Then sing, "2-4-6-8, Time to be re-in-car-na-ted!" It works every time.

As technologies improve, you'll be able to readily return from other deaths Afterlifes. You can download your personality and menories and soul into multiple recepticles and send THEM off to Afterworlds. You'll be able to have your body immersed in death Afterlife for a period, then revived. Talented Indian and Egyptian engineers are now developing full-scale reincarnation machines. Plug in, blast off, circle around, and land again! Shazam!

Whole new worlds of travel opportunitiy lie before you! Why wait? Die now, and have it all!