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I SWEAR THIS IS ALL TRUEWould I lie to you? |
CONTENTSand RRN: Desert Edition  ACCOUNTS
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MY STORY(told at the PegLeg Smith Liar's Contest in Borrego Valley, 3 April 2004, just after a brief heavy rain)Hi, I'm Ric Carter from up north in Volcano California, that's not the BIG Volcano just a little one, it would have been the State Capitol but the gold ran out. And I'm here mostly for some shameless self-promotion - Harry Oliver started this Liar's Contest, and I have a website all about Harry Oliver, and I'm here to pass out cards with the address. Here, pass'em around. I came here to talk about part of my misspent youth. About 25- or 30-odd years ago, VERY odd years, I'd just got out of the Army and I moved out to 29 Stumps California for the peace and quiet. (WHAT night artillery practice?) It used to be 29 Palms but tourists drive through and hit the palms and knock 'em over, all that was left were stumps. I hear that they've replanted 'em with nursery-grown palms and you almost can't tell the difference. Now 29 Stumps is out past Joshua Tree, and lotsa weird stuff happens around Joshua Tree. There's the Desert Tortoise races, and the magic cactus. Just north of there is Giant Rock where the UFOs land - every year a bunch of folks go up there to call down UFOs and commune with the Aliens, those Space Brothers you may have heard of. Maybe it works. And there was this guy named Ed Dingle, walked all over the world back before World War I, and after that war he came to Los Angeles and started the Institute for MentalPhysics. After World War II he heard about Joshua Tree, Giant Rock, and he came out to Joshua Tree and built this big geodesic dome next to the highway, some of you might have seen it in the '50s or '60s. So one day Ed's purty young daughter, musta been in her late teens then, she turns up pregnant. Said she'd been out to Giant Rock and the daddy was a Martian. I don't know if the kid had tentacles though. So I got out of the Army and a National Guard nurse got me drunk, convinced me I've have fun being a medic, so I joined up. Then I got my EMT ticket, got a job with Joshua Tree Ambulance. We hauled whacked guys all around the desert, but most of the work was taking folks between convalescent homes around Joshua Tree - Yucca Valley and the medical centers down around Palm Springs. That meant going up and down the Morongo Grade, that steep twisting road connecting the lower and upper deserts. It's scarey any time of year, 'specially when the wind is blowing. One day we're hauling this old guy up the Grade from a hospital check-up back to his nursing home. I sit in back talking with him while my partner Alice drives. And he's talking about the OLD days, back before I was born, back before the Grade was paved. He says,
Now something you should know about the Morongo Grade, at the bottom it empties out into Whitewater Pass. And that Pass has some of the damn trickiest weather in the world. See, the Pass is where there's a two-mile-deep cut in the mountains, from 12000 feet on top to 1000 feet at the bottom; and there's coast air on one side and desert air on the other. Usually the desert air rises and the wet chilly coast air gets sucked in, usually at great speed. Any car left out in the Pass overnight gets all its paint sandblasted right off. It's violent weather there in the Pass, and sometimes little tiny thunderstorms occur. I've driven down down the Morongo Grade and seen these little thunderstorms, just a half-mile or a mile on a side, sweep over a little tract and not touch anything nearby but they dump a heavy load right THERE. Sorta like what happened here tonight. Now you probably know about dust-devils, big or little whirlwinds that pick up and scatter dust and sand and lizards all across the desert. Any you know about waterspouts, when any kind of whilrlwind crosses over water and picks it up and scatters it around. And sometimes a waterspout will pick up fish and frogs and other waterlife, and then it'll rain frogs. You all know this happens. And you know that thunderstorms can spawn whirlwinds, and vice-versa. Well like I said, usually the weather in Whitewater Pass moves inland, but sometimes it goes the other way. So very very rarely a desert thunderstorm might move west from around the Salton Sea, and I guess that's what happened one day, and the results were damn tragic. Me and my partner Alice were rolling down that Morongo Grade, no patient aboard so we were both up front, and we saw one of these little west-bound micro-storms, and it was crossing our path and there was nothing we could do about it. WHACK! we drove into it and WHACK! the rain poured, and here come the frogs. Left little red spots but the rain washed'em off real quick. And then we knew that this whirlwind had come up from Salton because next it was lizards that rained down - iguanas, and a few horny toads, a couple big chuckawallas that near broke the windshield, and maybe a gila monster but it went by pretty fast. And then came the snakes, all sorts of snakes, slithering down in front of us. But then we broke out of the storm, we went on down to Palm Desert and picked up a patient, dropped her off in Yucca Valley. On the way back to 29 Stumps we stopped at the office in Joshua Tree and traded ambulances, the one we had needed work. And that's when the tragedy happened. Our mechanic Joe Keens, a real nice guy but not too smart, was changing the tires. But one of the rattlesnakes that had rained down on us had bit the tire, and its fangs were caught in the rubber, and when Joe put his hands on it he got struck. He'd a' been OK if he coulda just got to the hospital, but of course that ambulance wasn't running, so he didn't make it. A damn shame, that. So that's my story, and here's some more cards to pass around - be sure to check the Harry Oliver website, and remember that it needs YOUR contributions of stories and pictures. Money isn't necessary, but it sure would be nice. Anyway, email us any good Desert Rat stuff you have. Good night. | |
BRIGANDI IS CONTEST'S "GREATEST PREVARICATORBy Tom GortonBorrego Sun, April 22, 2004 Charlotte Scrivener of Santee said a coyote stole her lie. The brazen coyote approached the 10-year-old, sniffed her and then snatched the piece of paper she had used to write down her lie for the April 3 Pegleg Smith Liar's Contest. Veteran liar Phil Brigandi told the only story that could possibly make any sense of how Pegleg lost his gold. He blew it up with dynamite, of course. . Steve "Runner" Radcliff, a mountain man from Escondido, waxed poetic when he recalled his earlier years trapping beaver with Pegleg in the Rockies. When Radcliff asked Pegleg why he had allowed a woodpecker to poke holes in his wooden leg and pulverize it to a pile of sawdust, Pegleg admitted that the pecking sent such pleasurable vibrations up his leg that he couldn't refuse. Claiming to be a direct descendant of Pegleg's illegitimate daughter, Countess Nancy Hulder of San Diego said she inherited a map that led her to the old man's treasure in a lava tube. But the treasure wasn't gold, she disclosed. It was Fountain of Youth Lotion, and the Countess was selling several cans of it. . Brigandi, an Orange County historian and two-time champion who missed last year's contest, returned with so much animated verbosity that the judges declared him the "greatest prevaricator of all." Countess Hulder finished second and Radcliff was third. Craig Wyborny, who attended the contest from Sandpoint, Idaho, placed fourth with his story 'about digging up all the local f1owers for his portable nursery. Alan Scrivener of Santee, who used a PowerPoint presentation to show how state-of-the-art technology played a part in tracking Pegleg across the Mojave Desert, won fifth place. Charlotte Scrivener won first place in the junior class, followed by the duet of Brittany Turner, 15, of La Jolla, and Nicole Simon, 13, of Chula Vista. LIARS: Rain puts a damper on fibsBenjai "BJ" Higgins of San Diego, the eleventh of 12 contestants in the Saturday night competition, had just told her lie when the clouds opened over the Pegleg Monument. Nearly 200 people and participants ran to their vehicles and either returned with umbrellas and rain gear or vanished into the night. As the downpour let up, Ric Carter of Volcano, Calif., talked about the Desert Rat scrapbook site he created at http://drsb.flaxo.net in honor of Liars Contest originator Harry Oliver. All contestants received certificates and picked out recycled trophies from the sponsoring Committee to Assimilate Curious Tales of Incredibility (CACTI). Retired Sheriff's Department Cpl. Jim McKenna headed a panel of judges composed of retired California Highway Patrol officers Terry O'Keeffe and Harry Jones. Active CHP Officer Chad Patton is the newest member of the judging panel. Event Chairperson Diana Lindsay announced that Ted Schroeder had turned over his CACTI job as keeper of the trophies to Ernie Cowan, a former mayor of Escondido, Union-Tribune reporter, Borrego Sun editor and now a lobbyist in Sacramento. Charlie Watson of Spring Valley has taken over as campfire tender from CACTI member Bill Jennings. | |
DOES THE CENTER HOLD? (1)Earth is shrinking. Literally. Our mangy human-infested planet becomes smaller and smaller even as the rest of the universe expands. And this is due to communications. Communications doesn't just mean electromagnetic waves, wires and lights and flags and agility with language and marketing and lies; it also encompasses faster roads, longer wider pipelines, more efficient depots, more passenger and cargo craft in the skies and oceans and roadways. Anywhere we can reach faster is thus closer, the distances have shrunk, the globe contracts. Our mapping of the rapidly-shrinking Earth may utilize and exacerbate new communications technologies in a self-serving cycle but maps of this condensing sphere are still based on old bog-planet ideas. There is a Prime Latitude, the equator, midpoint between the poles of axis, spinning merrily away at about 1000 mph. And there's a prime meridian running thru London, harshly dividing Britain and Earth into West and East. Both of these imaginary lines are useful for locating anything on the big old rational planet. Both are SO retro. You as a person most likely do NOT locate yourself in reference to the old global center, the 0°/0° point, now do you? Throughout human history, throughout the existence of cognate brains and wily genes, we have always located OURSELVES at the center of everything. This is a tradition as wired into our very beings as sex and politics. To hell with artificial coordinates - from where I am at the center of my own radar screen, I map everything that's important and glowing blips in the lesser or greater distance. We need to bring the world down to scale, and technology can do that for us. It's time to overthrow the tryranny of latitude and longitude set in an English observatory. We are each at the center of our universes, and we can let tiny computers handle the chores of figuring out where others are in relation to US. Live in your own polar-projection map, merge yourself seamlessly into the polar coordinates of those you choose, free yourself from those who would dictate where and who and what you are. Cast off your spatial shackles - escape surveillance - take control of you own X,Y,Z. Freedom! | |
DOES THE CENTER HOLD? (2)But perhaps the approach mentioned above seems too egocentric. We may each FEEL that the world and galaxy and universe universe revolve around our own personal selves, but outside observors would judge otherwise, the scum. Still, there is no good reason why Earth should be divided and gridded and graphed and mapped as it is, and may good reasons for changing the antique status quo. My major objection to the Greenwich Meridian is that it unnecessarily partitions London and Britain and Europe and our planet into East-West segments. Meridians are useful; distance is time; a count of meridians is also a count of hours, a tally of the indices gaging our planetary rotation. But a prime meridian, if any, should be positioned where is won't bother anyone. The Greenwich meridian also promotes a Eurocentric worldview. Within the upcomoing Asian Century, when Japan or China or Singapore or New Zealand achieve hard-won world domination, this will change. But why wait? A prime meridian in mid-Pacific could serve an an international date line while also marking the end of EuroAmerican political, social, economic and cultural hegemony. The Equator is a handy device for certain calculation but is by no means necessary for global mapping. Polar coordinates have great advantages in clarity and computation, and a zero-point could easily be established at either cold pole of the Terrestrial axis. But such systems still include the Equator as a major component, a throwback which emphasizes the North-South divide of global military-political-economic power. The ideal zero-point for our globe in the new century and beyond would be a small island in mid-Pacific, preferably uninhabited. Some small atoll near Tonga would be perfect. A grand tower could be erected there, a symbol of global unity and a disclaimer of retro-geographic domination. We could easily compute our distance and angle from this sacred zero-point and to any other points we desire, A truly neutral spot, it could also serve as the seat of world leadership. The movers and shakers of human society could thus be sequestered on a remote island where, like the relocated global gridlines, they wouldn't be able to bother the rest of us. And perhaps that would be the greatest benefit of restructuring our maps. | |
BLACK MAGICK IS A GROWING BUSINESS IN MEXICOPhoenix, AZ (NACC) - Black magick has become big business in Mexico, a country where people ranging from farmers to presidents turn to witches for help, or to cause harm. The onset of TV marketing and the Internet has fueled the boom in recent years, feeding what some fear has become a criminal network trading in witchcraft. On the first Friday of every March, the "witches" of the town of Catemaco, 126 of whom are registered with the local Chamber of Commerce, perform a purification ceremony to rid themselves of a year's worth of negative energy. Since the early 1990s, thousands of people from throughout the world have poured into the town, 320 miles southeast of Mexico City in Veracruz state, to consult witches in the first hours after they have become cleansed. "People come to offer their soul, so that someone else dies," said Marthen, the son of illiterate farmers who claims to have inherited his gift for witchcraft from his grandmother, a Nahua Indian shaman. "Sometimes, people are looking for inheritance. Sometimes, they just want power." Such requests are not cheap. Marthen, who put a son through medical school on his shaman's earnings, said he used to charge about $1000 to perform "devil's work." But these days, he says he performs only "good witchcraft," such as herbal healings and exorcisms, at prices ranging from $20 to $400. First-time services are usually free. The back rooms of Marthen's modest concrete house are divided among the forces of good and evil. Behind a red velvet curtain in one room, a portrait of a green-eyed devil hangs alongside stuffed iguanas, terrifying masks and murky-looking potions. The other room, used for "white magic," is adorned with a crucifix, a protrait of the Virgin of Guadelupe and white candles. At 9 am Friday, the plastic chairs outside the house were packed with eager clients, some of whom had been waiting since dawn to undergo a ritual purification ceremony. Maria Garcia, 33, from the nearby farming village of Zampoapan, pleaded with Marthen to stop her husband from drinking. She sat quietly as he studied the signs in five tarot cards and then explained that her troubles were caused by her husband's infidelity. "Be careful, because he's with another woman. That's why you are doing so badly. She's young, thin, fair-skinned," he said, taking off his wire-rim glasses for emphasis as Garcia shrank in her chair. He then revived his patient by adding, "Your future will be good." She gratefully took a coin amulet wrapped in feld and a satchel of white powder before stepping into the next room where Marthen's son, Luis Francisco, waited to perform a cleansing ceremony. Like most of Marthen's patients, Garcia came on the recommendation of family or friends. She explained how her father had been cured of a debilitating lung disease and how the shaman had made her older sister walk after an "evil wind" had knocked her over and temporarily paralyzed her. Such beliefs frighten some in Mexico. Last year, a state senator from President Vicente Fox's conservative National Action Party tried to ban witchcraft in Veracruz on the grounds that it violated church teachings. But the idea was shot down by fellow legislators. Mexico is 90 percent Roman Catholic, but indigenous traditions also run deep. "What harm does it do for a doctor to provide a little witchcraft so that a patient will be happy?" said Rafael Aguirre, a medical doctor and shaman whose father, Gonzalo, was the town's most famous witch. He explained how he recently tricked a patient into taking tuberculosis medicine by convincing her that he was prescribing a magical cure. "You have to give the patient what he wants," Aguirre said. Unlike other witches interviewed, Aguirre did not claim that his powers derived from the devil. "It's all common sense, logic, and experience," he said matter-of-factly. by: somebody or other | |
TIPS FOR STAGECOACH TRAVELERSThe best seat inside a stage is the one next to the driver. Even if you have a tendency to seasickness when riding backward — you'll get over it and will get less jolts and jostling. Don't let any "sly elph" trade you his mid-seat. In cold weather don't ride with tight-fitting boots, shoes, or gloves. When the driver asks you to get off and walk do so without grumbling, he won't request it unless absolutely necessary. If the team runs away — sit still and take your chances. If you jump, nine out of ten times you will be hurt. In very cold weather abstain entirely from liquor when on the road; because you will freeze twice as quickly when under its influence. Don't growl at the food at the station; stage companies generally provide the best they can get. Don't keep the stage waiting. Don't smoke a strong pipe inside the coach — spit on the leeward side. If you have anything to drink in a bottle pass it around. Procure your stimulants before starting as "ranch" (stage depot) whiskey is not "nectar." Don't swear or lop over neighbors when sleeping. Take small change to pay expenses. Never shoot on the road as the noise might frighten the horses. Don't discuss politics or religion. Don't point out where murders have been committed especially if there are women passengers. Don't lag at the wash basin. Don't grease your hair because travel is dusty. Don't imagine for a moment at you are going on a picnic. Expect annoyances, discomfort, and some hardship." Omaha Herald, 1877 | |
(h)GILA MONSTERSThe Gila Monster is a beautiful deadly lizzard. It can weigh up to 20 lbs. "that's not a lot of weight compared to humans" The color of the Gila Monster is like a broken up rainbow because it can be pink, yellow, black, or orange from front to tail. Their habitat is arid and semiarid with a lot of brush. Also their habitat ranges are from Souther U.S., Southern Utah, and Southern Mexico. Boy, that's alot of Southerns. How they adapt to the desert is when it gets too hot for them, they dig and burrow a hole in the ground to keep cool. When it gets dark they come out to hunt. Gila Monsters mostly eat small mammals and different kinds of eggs. Gila Monsters kill their prey by biting them and when they bite their prey venom gopes through their body quickly, and do you know what happens? DEATH Of course like any other animal, Gila Monsters have enemies. Most of them are bigger and meaner. Also one common enemy is our very own vehicles. At night Gila Monsters lay right in the middle of the road because it is warm. You know what happens? SPLAT!!! Most animals have at least one special feature. A Gila Monsters special feature is that it is one of the two most venemous lizzards in the whole world. These are a few ideas on how to save Gila Monsters; first you can catch a Gila Monster, make a Gila Monster farm, breed them, and then let them go a couple at a time in a safe environment. Another way is to try and have a fund-raiser and save up money to protect them from poachers. Although some people like to keep Gila Monsters a pets by: Anissa Carbajal, Grade 4 |
