INTRODUCTION: BioEthix For Morons

In the modern world of ever-evolving reproductive technologies, from test-tube babies to genetic screening to genetic modification to human cloning, it's necessary to have firm ethical guidelines for such work.

Stem-cell research, the persistent quandary of abortion, the farming and harvesting of human organs for transplants, are just a few of the difficult and contentious issues dividing humanity today, as well as income gaps and online-access gaps.

Medical and legal practices also require serious bioethical consideration. Here are some points every moron should consider when formulating policy on the ethics of human life:

GUIDELINES FOR REPRODUCTIVE BIOETHICS

•   VALUES: PRE-BORN (fetal) persons are worth more than POST-BORN persons. Fetal persons are worth more than women. Men are worth more than women. Fetal persons are worth more than men, except holy men. Humans are worth more than non-humans, except that trees are worth more than fish or fishermen. Holy directives are worth more than human desires, and G-d wants you to reproduce.
  
•   ABORTION: A fetus is a little tiny eensy weensy person. Thus abortion, the deliberate killing of a fetus, is murder. Murderers should be executed. So, mothers and doctors and nurses involved in killing fetal persons (abortions) should be executed.
  
•   MISCARRIAGE: Miscarriage involves the inadvertent death of a fetus, a person. Therefore miscarriage is manslaughter. Negligent behaviour on the part of the mother contributes to the miscarriage, and thus should be prosecuted as negligent homicide.
  
•   GAMETES: All human life is sacred and deserves legal and moral protection. Ova and sperm are living human tissues, thus are human life. Thus, ova and sperm (the PRE-CONCEIVED) are as sacred as a fetus (the PRE-BORN) and are as deserving of legal protection. Sing EVERY SPERM IS SACRED right now.
  
•   WASTAGE: Male masturbation results in the deaths of millions of sperm. Female menstruation results in the destruction of ova. Life is sacred. Thus, male masturbators and female menstruators are guilty of mass homicide (killing of the PRE-CONCEIVED) and should be executed.
  
•   MONITORING: To protect the interests of the invisible PRE-BORN, all females of reproductive age should be fitted with monitors that publicly display their pregnancy status. Pregnant females can thus be constrained from negligent behaviours. Any female whose monitor indicates that a pregnancy terminated prior to birth is thus guilty of homicide and should be executed.
  
•   FERTILITY: Human reproduction is sacred. Any interference with human reproduction is sacrilege. All birth-control measures must be outlawed. Fertility drugs must be administered to all females. Pornography and constant copulation must be encouraged. All those interfering with reproduction should be executed.
  
•   CLONING: Cloning procedures promote the sanctity of human life by producing more of it. Cloning must thus be encouraged. All those who interfere with cloning are anti-human-life scum and should be executed. See CLONES And CLONING For Total Morons, eh?
  
•   SURGERY: Living tissues removed from people during surgery, especially cosmetic or other non-life-preserving surgery, are killed. These are tissues that could be cloned. Thus, such surgical destruction of tissues is homicide; participating medics should be executed.
  
•   RESEARCH: Research on human organs, human cells, human genetics, anything involving the manipulation and destruction of living human tissues (whether or not those tissues were to be destroyed in the course of other activities) is murder; the researchers should be executed.
  

GUIDELINES FOR MEDICAL BIOETHICS

•   FUNDING: Medical services in the US are in crisis due to inadequate funding. Many people die because of medical services that are unavailable or overcrowded or otherwise underfunded. So any administrator or legislator or financier who obstructs funding of medical services is guilty of mass murder and should be executed.
  
•   ORGANS: Victims die because of the unavailability of replacement organs. Potential donors live with more organs than are required for survival. Thus any person who has not donated all superfluous organs to an appropriate facility is guilty of murder and should be executed, with their organs distributed as needed to sustain such victims.
  
•   MEDICATIONS: Humans are becoming increasingly dependent on drugs, herbs, chemicals, vaccines, and other materia medica. All those who tamper, dilute, or interfere in the discovery or production or distribution of such medications should be executed.
  
•   RESEARCH: The lives of nonhuman animals, plants, microbes, virii, computers, rocks, aliens and other entities are not as sacred as the lives of humans, therefore any manipulations of and research on such entities is just fine and should be encouraged.
  
•   ACTIVISM: Since research on nonhuman entities may benefit humans and promote sacred human life, interference with such research is sacrilege. All "rights activists" who interfere with animal, plant, alien or computer research should be executed.
  
•   INTERFERENCE: Notwithstanding the above, interference in the natural processes of life and death constitutes thwarting G-d's will. All medical interventions in disease, disability, reproduction, etc. are thus heresy; the heretics should be executed.
  
•   INVASIVENESS: All tampering with human destiny, all administrations of drugs and medicines, all medical practice that intrudes on the human body, violates the sanctity of human life. Thus all medical practitioners (except masseuses and midwives and chiropractors and others who perform no invasive actions) should be executed.
  

GUIDELINES FOR LEGAL BIOETHICS

•   EQUALITY: As the PRE-BORN are entitled to the same rights (or more) as the POST-BORN, then the PRE-DEAD (living) deserve the same prerogatives (or more) as the POST-DEAD (corpses) - no taxation, no military service, no voting, no marriage or divorce, no welfare, no tipping, no dress codes, etc.
  
•   MORTALITY: All human life (except criminals over age 10) is sacred and deserves legal protection. The PRE-BORN and the POST-BORN are both alive, and are equal in the sight of G-d and the law. Thus all military combat, capital punishment, and firearms and other deadly weapons, are abominations and must be outlawed immediately. Those promoting any of these evils are collaborators and should be executed.
  
•   ECOLOGY: The environment is necessary for sustaining human life. Polluting the environment poisons human life. "Thou shalt not suffer a poisoner to live." (Exodus 22:18) — thus all those who pollute the environment have forfeited their legal rights and should be executed.
  
•   PROCEDURES: All legal procedures should be designed to promote the sanctity of human life. Any interference with such sanctity or delaying of such procedures is sacrilege; those guilty of such interference or delays should be executed.
  
•   EXEMPTION: It is widely recognized that attorneys are sub-human life-forms. None of the constraints or protections listed above pertain to attorneys, who are thus ideal subjects for vivisection. "NO ANIMAL RESEARCH – USE LAWYERS" should be your banner.
  

We hope the above discussion helps you in your considerations of the thorny moral issues of life and death, pre-life and post-life, pre-death and post-death, all the phases of human and pre-human and post-human existence. Some of these points may appear contradictory, which should not bother any biblical or legal scholar. The full implications of these matters have not yet been worked out. More research is necessary. Can we get a grant?

PERSONAL Q-and-A re: BIOETHICS

"Every sperm is beautiful / every sperm is great
Every sperm wants to ensure / that women procreate..."

Bioethics need not be impersonal, abstract, doctrinal, removed from real life and experience. Bioethics can be personal, dramatic, interactive, in-yer-face. Here is a dramatic little question-and-answer session about reproductive bioethics:

"Mummy, why are we packing up my clothes?"

"Well darling, you're going to be away for a couple days."

"Away? Where am I going?"

"You'll just be in hospital for a little while."

"In hospital? But I feel fine! Why am I going to hospital?"

"Darling, you need to have a little surgery."

"Mummy, why do I have to go to surgery?"

"There there now - the government knows what's good for you. There is a law to protect all the little possible fetuses, to make sure that if a woman is pregnant, that she and her fetus can be protected from what she might do. So as soon as you start to bleed, as soon as you become a woman, the nice government takes you to surgery and puts a little monitor in you, so that when you ever become pregnant, a ring around your neck lights up and everyone around can tell that you're a mummy too. Then they can protect you and your fetus. Then nobody can sell you a cigarette or alcohol or cough drops or aspirin or any other drug that might hurt your fetus. Then, because there will be two of you, you will have to pay double admission to games and movies and plays, and pay double fares on busses and trains and airplanes. But it's all for the best, because the nice government only has your best interest at heart, you and your little fetus. So don't fret darling, you're a woman now, and you'll be making babies for a long long time. Smile for me, darling. That's right. Bye-bye."

"But Mummy, I don't WANT to have a lot of babies!"

"Shush now, if anyone hears you say that, they'll burn you up! You're a woman now, and it's your job to have babies for a long long time."

"Oh Mummy..."

OPERATION RESCUE: Fetus uber alles!
OPERATION RESCUE: Kill the doctors!
OPERATION RESCUE: Kill the nurses too!

PLAYING GOD: The BioEthics Game is here

PLAYING GOD THE EASY WAY is here

CONTENTS:

Part 1:

INTRODUCTION: BioEthics For Morons

Guidelines For Reproductive BioEthics

Guidelines For Medical BioEthics

Guidelines For Legal BioEthics

PERSONAL Q&A re: BioEthics

Part 2:

PLAYING GOD: The BioEthics Game

Playing God The Easy Way

GO! index