UNLIKELY GUIDES
and other book titles

?!?!?!?!? Books ?!?!?!?!?

---Submitted by Frat Guy L. James

There has recently been a flurry of books published w/in the past five years introducing various concepts of society which some people may have a hard time grasping.  It started with such concepts as computers with titles like "Wordperfect for Dummies," then moved to other concepts like "Sex for Dummies" and "Wine for Dummies," and has now even moved into such things as "Home buying for Dummies."  In other words, they recommend how to do stuff.

Here are some books which I believe will _never_ be found in any Crown Books Store.

1. Money Laundering for Dummies
2. Basic Hygiene for Dummies
3. Bike Riding for Dummies
4. Self-Destruction for Dummies
5. Sex for Dummies, Part II: Enjoyment
6. Bizarre Cults for Dummies
7. International Terrorism for Dummies
8. Illicit Drug Use for Dummies
9. Extremist Politics for Dummies
10. One Step Suicide for Dummies
11. Brain Surgery for Dummies
12. Spousal Abuse for Dummies
13. Hooked on Phonics for Dummies
14. Bribery Awareness for Dummies
15. Artificial Heart Insertion for Dummies
16. Toilet Usage for Dummies
17. Pornography for Dummies
18. Basic Counting for Dummies
19. Robbery Get-Away Plan for Dummies
20. Space Station Plumbing for Dummies
21. Learning for Dummies

    More timely suggestions:

    ---Devised by Ric Carter

22. Islamic Fundamentalism For Dummies
23. Biological Warfare For Dummies
24. Skyjacking For Dummies
25. Mass Murder For Dummies
26. Cruise Missiles For Dummies
27. Media Manipulation For Dummies
28. Global Domination For Dummies
29. Drug-Smuggling For Dummies
30. Crony Capitalism For Dummies
31. Counterfeiting For Dummies
32. Election-Rigging For Dummies
33. Sex for Dummies, Part III: Palimony
34. Infomercials For Dummies
35. Televangelism For Dummies

Some children's books that never got published.....

via Tim Badore

1. "The wimp who didn't chase his ball across the street"
2. "You're never too young to Masturbate"
3. "Lets throw Rocks at Retards"
4. "The Shame Of Adoption."
5. "Let's Run Along The Highway"
6. "The Secret At The Bottom Of The Pool"
7. "You Were an Accident"
8. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
9. "Whatever happened to the Little Sissy Who Snitched?"
10. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
11. "Katie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
12. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Bikes!"
13. "All Dogs Go to Hell"
14. "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
15. "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
16. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
17. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
18. "Bi-Curious George"
19. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
20. "You Are Different and That's Bad"
21. "The Fallacy of Looking Both Ways Before You Cross the Street"

Great Titles For Kid's Books

via email -- sorry about the duplicates

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
4. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
5. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
12. Grandpa Gets a Casket
13. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
14. Strangers Have the Best Candy
15. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
16. You Were an Accident
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. Pop! Goes The Hamster? and Other Great Microwave Games

Unwritten Dr. Seuss Books

via sidekick (beware AngelFire popups!)

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo -- Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen -- And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches

Unlikely Perry Hotter Titles

via potterperson (and find Perry Hotter)

1. Harry Potter and Jack and Jill
2. Harry Potter Makes a Mess
3. Harry Potter Gets his First Erection
4. Harry Potter and the Funny Smelling Herb
5. Harry Potter and his First Hangover
6. Harry Potter and the Heineken
7. Harry Potter and the Broken Leg due to a Drunk-Flying Accident
8. Harry Potter Comes Out of the Closet
9. Harry Potter Plays
10. Harry Potter and Ron Weasly
11. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasly
12. Harry Potter and the Growing Pains
13. Harry Potter and the Final Exam
14. Harry Potter and the Tainted Burger
15. Harry Potter and his Adventure with Fleur Delacour and a Strawberry Flavoured Condom
    
    
16. Harry Potter Goes Insane
17. Harry Potter Gets it on with You-know-who. And no. Not him.
18. Harry Potter and the Pink Polka Dotted Elephants
19. Harry Potter and the Mishap at the DMV
20. Harry Potter and his Threesome with Two of his Professors
21. Harry Potter and the Big Dildo
22. Harry Potter and the Suprised Unicorn
23. Harry Potter and his First Orgasm
24. Harry Potter and his Adventure with Hermione and a Strawberry Flavoured Condom
    
    
25. Harry Potter and SEX by Madonna
26. Harry Potter and the Hippogriff in Heat
27. Harry Potter and the Cock Fights
28. Harry Potter and the Witch and the Wardrobe
29. Harry Potter Harry Potter and the Unlikely Happening with a Familiar Hobbit
30. Harry Potter's Adventure Through the Looking Glass
31. Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher (Sorcerer)
32. Harry Potter his Job at KFC
33. Harry Potter and the Spit In Bucket of Chicken Given to Professor Snape
34. Harry Potter and the Evil Urinal Cake
35. Harry Potter and the Herbal Essence Spokeswoman (ooh yes, yes!)
36. Harry Potter and the Unlucky Rabbit's Foot
37. Harry Potter and the Stolen Cookie from the Cookie Jar
    
    
38. Potter's Hairy Wiener
39. Harry Potter and the Jack's Ass
40. Harry Potter and Justin Timberlake in the POP Video
41. Harry Potter Hits Britney One More Time
42. Harry Potter and the Temporary Dissaperance of the Sun
43. Harry Potter and the Ordinary, Boring, Meaningless, Unhappening, Oddly Stupid, Pointless year at Hogwarts

    More Perry Hotter

    via somebody

44. Harry Potter and a Thousand Pages More of All the S.P.E.W. Stuff You'd Already Had Enough of In Book 4
45. Harry Potter and His Misadventures During Spring Break
46. Harry Potter and the Daydream Believer Cult
47. Harry Potter and the Building He Blew Up
48. Neville Longbottom and... Anything
49. Hairy Otter and the Great Big Owl Spill (oops was that supposed to be oil spill?)
50. Harry and Dudley's Excellent Adventure
51. Harry Potter -- Addicted to Lard
52. Draco Malfoy and How He Keeps His Promises
53. Harry Potty and the Sorcerer's Throne
54. Harry Potter and the Ducks
55. Harry Potter and the Planet of the Snapes
56. Harry Potter and His Life In Pink

Shortest Books Ever Written

via sidekick (beware AngelFire popups!)

1. A Guide to Arab Democracies
2. A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6. Detroit - A Travel Guide
7. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11. Everything Men Know About Women
12. French Hospitality
13. Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16. Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18. Popular Lawyers
19. Staple Your Way to Success
20. Tasty Bile Recipes
21. The Amish Phone Book
22. Successful Methods of Training Cats
23. The Wit and Wisdom of J. Danforth Quayle
    
    
24. Famous Republican Philanthropists
25. Evidence of America's Christian Heritage
26. My Life in Baseball - by Michael Jordan
27. Ethics in Politics by Richard M. Nixon
28. The Cultural Guide to Des Moines
29. The Complete Cookbook of Toast
30. Famous Eskimo Surfers
31. The Illustrated History of the Panamanian Space Program
32. Hawaiian Olympic Ice Skating Team.
33. Scuba Divers of Tibet
34. Mountain climbing Guide to the Sahara Desert.
35. Tipper Gore's Memorable Quotes 1992-1995
36. NOW's Legal Advice for Paula Corbin Jones
37. Bill Clinton's Military Memoirs
38. Ted Kennedy's Book of Virtues
39. D.C. Recovery, by Marion Barry
40. Al Gore's Directory of Jobs for Loggers
41. Guide to HillaryHealthCare Providers
42. Why Public School Is Good For Your Child, by Chelsea Clinton
43. List of G.O.P. Incumbents Who Lost in the '94 Elections
44. Jesse Jackson's Achievements as an Elected Official
45. How to Sue Your Constituents Effectively, by Tom Foley
46. Clinton Cabinet Supermodels
    
    
47. A History of Virginity in France
48. A Spotless Scalp In 7 Days, Mikhail Gorbachev
49. Abstinence, Wilt Chamberlin
50. Advanced Memorization Techniques, Ronald Reagan
51. American history of culture
52. Becoming An Adult, Michael Jackson
53. Bi-Sexual Folks from the U.K.
54. Blacks Are People Too, Rush Limbaugh
55. Compassionate Republicans
56. Compilation of Scottish Charities
57. Conservative Democrats
58. Dog's As Pets (seen in a Vietnamese bookstore)
59. Everything Men Know about Women
60. Everything Women Know About Everything
61. European Night Life
62. Famous Canadian Jazz Musicians
63. Famous War Heroes from the U.K.
64. Gourmet English Restaurants
65. Guide To Good Acting, Cast of Melrose Place
66. Honest Lawyers
67. How to Pick up Girls, Richard Simmons
    
    
68. Italian heroic legends
69. Jewish Business Ethics
70. Libertarian Congressmen
71. List of virgin sheep from the U.K.
72. Morals and Ethics, Coalition of TV Ministers
73. My Penis, John Wayne Bobbitt
74. Negroes I have met while Yachting
75. Our Private Honeymoon, Tonya Harding
76. Performing Fellatio, Lorena Bobbitt
77. Performing The Perfect Murder, OJ Simpson
78. Polish Wit and Wisdom
79. Sane Perotistas
80. Scholar Athletes of the NCAA Div. I
81. Sobriety in politics, Ted Kennedy
82. Study of the Canadian brain
83. The Final Exit, Shirley MacClaine
84. The Joy of Sex, Hillary Clinton
85. Things to do in London
86. Vegetarian Cookbook, Jeffrey Dahlmer
87. When Your Child Reaches 5, Susan Miller
88. Who's who in Newfoundland

More Unlikely Book Titles

via Google

1. A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
2. A Foreigner's Guide To Camping In Florida
3. A Guide To Australian Etiquette
4. A Guide To Snorkeling In Norway
5. A Happy Home Life And Marriage, by Donald Trump
6. A Hiker's Guide To The Ho Chi Minh Trail
7. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
8. Americans Today That Are Brighter Than A Lightbulb
9. A Millenium Of German Humor
10. A Tale Of No Cities
11. Atheists Who Converted To Christianity
12. Beating The Crap Out Of Innocent Little Children, by Benjamin Spock
13. Blacks I Met While Yachting
14. Career Opportunities For History Majors
15. Compendium Of American Culture
16. Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
17. Deep South Genetic Variation
18. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
19. Dutch Generosity Through The Centuries
    
    
20. Eskimo Swimsuit Models
21. Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
22. Everything Men Know About Women
23. Famous Australians Of The Fourteenth Century
24. Famous Norwegian Sports Heroes
25. Fan Mail Of Sirhan Sirhan
26. Fifty Days To A Better Hypothalamus
27. French Hospitality
28. Frog Hygiene
29. Fulfilled Campaign Promises, 478 BC - 2003 AD
30. Fun Party Games Involving Porcupines
31. Fun With Blood-Stained Caligraphy
32. Gandhi's Influence On Ted and Al Bundy
33. Genghis Khan And The Mongols: A Feminist Perspective
34. Good English Cooking
35. Great American Cars Of The 1980's
36. Great Australian Beers
37. Hemophilic Vampires
38. Heroes Of The Australian Resistance During World War II
39. Hindu Beef Recipes