Ah, the satisfaction of the perfect barbecue. Coals glowing cheerfully, sauce spreading relentlessly, meat sizzling tantalizingly, tongues drooling sloppily, beer flowing freely, chips spilling carelessly, skin reddening in the sun. A lazy day spent over a hell-like pit, waving specialized tools at unrepentant meat, dressed in a funny but splotched apron, drinking yet more beer to stave off the sun. Does it get any better than this? (Well, maybe, if you're into devouring ETs — see HOW TO COOK AN ALIEN for hints.) Here's how to achieve this notochordal nirvana of barbecued bliss:

HOW TO ACHIEVE THE PERFECT BARBECUE:
1. Prepare the chef — apply wine, drugs, sex etc as needed
2. Prepare the food — apply sauces, spices etc as needed
3. Ignite the fire — apply fuel, accelerant etc as needed
4. Ignite the food — apply heat, agitation etc as needed
5. Prepare the eaters — apply wine, drugs, sex etc as needed
6. Devour the food — apply wine, drugs etc as appropriate
7. Terminate the feed — clean up premises, tools, guests etc

That's the overall plan. Each of those simple steps may require some detailed work. As a total moron, you can't be expected to remember everything, so here are some itemized task lists to guide you through the necessary processes. Bon appetit!

HOW TO DEVOUR THE FOOD:   All the participants ('eaters') should arm themselves with plates, utensils, napkins, beverage containers, smoking apparatus, etc. Expect that any and all of these will be dropped upon furniture (if any), floor (if any), other eaters (if any), pets (if any), and whatever else is in the vicinity. Foodstuffs should be dealt with in this fashion:

1. Open mouth
2. Insert food item
3. Masticate as needed
4. Swallow
   
   NOTES:   If consuming drinkable, smokables or other immaterial or small items, omit step 3, unless compelled by inner needs. Prayers and other invocations, silent or otherwise, may be included before, during, and/or after any or all of the above steps. Multiple items should not be ingested simultaneously. Be sure an adequate supply of Doritos chips are available.

HOW TO FINISH UP:   All participants, utensils, cooking / eating areas, and everything else in the vicinity, should be thoroughly hosed down when the meal is over. Small debris, utensils, pets, vomitus etc should be run through a grinder ('garbage disposal') before being washed down drains. Clean towels and clothes should be applied to the survivors, if any. The chef should be properly rewarded — see HOW TO PREPARE THE CHEF, above.

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ANOTHER SYSTEM:   Barbecuing - True Perspective?   It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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