Consumpt-Ious #2
About Devouring Stuff
by Ric Carter
Consumpt-Ious #2
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| TRAVEL & FOOD & LIFE: |
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THEMESVEGGIE MURDER (It's So Unnatural) I want to eat a / Nice juicy eggplant Don't want no eggplant to de-vour me I want to slurp a / Nice rat-a-tooie Don't want no stew that wants to eat me [chorus:] It's so unnatural / When plants eat people It's so unnatural / Like Xian metal It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural I want to dine on / Barbeque tofu Don't want no soybeans that drool and chomp Some nice asparagus / With rice and capers No manic okra, chase me into the swamp [chorus:] It's so unnatural / When plants eat people It's so unnatural / Like being celibate It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural I want to have an / Organic diet Don't eat no Whoppers for 99 cents Now don't you charge me / With veggie murder I swear, I swear, it was self-defense [chorus:] It's so unnatural / When plants eat people It's so unnatural / Like voting twice It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural [instrumental] [chorus:] It's so unnatural / When plants eat people It's so unnatural / Like Rin-Tin-Tin It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural / It's so unnatural THE TOFU TERRORISTS The Tofu Terrorists have struck again, they hit a Burger Thing Threw the meat away and forced the people to eat soybean curds Plump young women fainted after drinking malted Lecithin Little children wailed as Happy Meals gave way to VegeBurgers The Tofu Terrorists hit yesterday, attacked a Taco Smell Threw out taco shells made from genetically altered corn Threw out ground beef, made the terrified folks eat falafel Flesh-eaters are wishing that they never had been born Kentucky Kernel, Crap-In-The-Box, Windys, Pukeyes and McBarfalds Confused carnivores cry out, fearful to be targeted next The Tofu Terrorists will strike the fast-foods in your neighborhood You'd better stay at home and practice carnivorous sex |
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Eating experiences in Tourist Guatemala, the Amalfi Coast and Western USAnia contrast and parallel strangely. All offer mixes of fresh and fast food (very little of the latter around Amalfi - although maybe more in Sorrento and Salerno, but I didn't look closely). Around Amalfi and Antigua-Atitlan, cheap fresh food was the standard - here in California it's a premium, but more common than in Intercoastal NorteAmerica. There may be a lesson here. It's not just an artifact of International Culture, although foodies-Veg*ns and InterNet Cafes probably tend to gravitate to the same locations for similar reasons. It's also not just due to remoteness, where fresh local food predominates because it's too expensive to truck stuff in from far away. (If that were really the case, Nova Scotian cuisine would be better - or maybe it is now, we'll have to go back and see.) Maybe it's due to local addictions to superb coffee. Maybe. I'm still working on a good explanation. But can it be tested? Whatever. I look forward to our upcoming extended excursions around USAnia, and dread the prospect of food remote from the Civilized Coasts. [CIVILIZATION, USA: proximity to a Trader Joe's store.] At least in the RV we'll have the option of prepping our own, with the best-available local supplies. But such supplies were pretty meagre in Nova Scotia 15 years ago... Roughing-it on the road. Rustling-up viable viands. Stalking the wild tofu, the free-range miso, the organic okra. Roasting fresh-plucked tortillas over an open fire, the wind in our hair, the stars staring down like spy satellites in the night. A rugged life. "Strips of flesh cut from the slaughtered carcasses of cruelly exploited honhuman animals of the pig family and two nonhuman animal products stolen from poultry, over easy!" shouted the waitron at the Biocentric Diner. 
Cooking is a moral act. William Conrad wrote that, "the purpose of a cookery book is one and unmistakable. Its object can conceivably be no other than to increase the happiness of mankind." Thus if you're moral, you should write a cookbook today, eh? 
RETURN: Just back from 6 weeks in Guatemala. Ate well, lived well, except for digestive disorders, internal infections & intestinal parasites. Stay tuned for details. Weariness: "God is less like air in the lungs ... than like a depressing smog that hangs over an industrial city... He soaks up the smell of His surroundings - bad cooking and mildew and dirty sheets and stale alcohol." 
Gain some extra weight over the holidays? Maybe an awful lot of it, you porko? Worried about the bad health effects of that fat? So what are you going to do? How about: nothing... [via A&L Daily] RECEPTION: Raw Food: the rawer the better, right? - and Kababism: more than just a religion - and Wasabi: it can't never be too hot - and Mixology: drinks for the desperate - and Shooters: drinks for the rest of us Wisdom: "The three great stumbling-blocks in a girl's education, she says, are homard à l'Américaine, a boiled egg, and asparagus. Shoddy table manners, she says, have broken up many a happy home." —Colette Warning: "Zee always went naked in the house, except for the brassière she wore when it was her turn to get dinner. Once, cooking French-fried potatoes in a kettle of boiling fat, she had come within an inch of crisping her most striking features." DIGESTION: Debate: GeneMod and How Long Will You Live? and The Fat Police and Unhealthy Organics? and Gourmet Fakes and Fake Meat and Organic Cannibals and A Late-Onset Cook Meals make us human. Never mind obesity, it's the loneliness of the fast food eater that matters. A home smells of cooking. If we want respect and love, we must eat together. We can conquer obesity, too: stop grazing, stop gorging. [via A&L Daily] INGESTION: BK Lounge: Cooking With Alcohol and Erotic Cannibalism and The First Viennese Vegetable Orchestra and Bondage Gear for Vegans and FoodPorn (via MemePool) and Love Burger and Vegemite Dance and Veg*an Jokes And see the previous entries.
Gentle Readers: Please send me your recipes, links etc regarding alien cuisine - you'll be credited if you so desire. Click on my email address below. --Ric  |
