God-Forsaken Cuisine

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "George LaMort"
<mail2news-20021006-alt.fan.penn-n-teller
 @anon.lcs.mit.edu>
Sent: Sunday, October 06, 2002 5:58 AM
Subject: [fwd] God Forsaken Cuisine


GOD FORSAKEN CUISINE by George LaMort

Ye shall make no idols nor graven image. (and) Ye shall
 keep my Sabbath.    —Leviticus 26: 1,2

[...else...]

Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your
 daughters ye shall eat.   —Leviticus 26:29


Roast Child with Cornbread Stuffing

Turkey may be substituted for this classic holiday feast.  
Although time consuming, this dish seems to take longer 
than it actually does; as the entire house is filled with such 
a heavenly aroma, the waiting becomes almost unbearable.

 1 whole child, cleaned and de-headed
 1 batch cornbread stuffing (see index)
 ½ cup melted butter

Remove the giblets from the infant and set aside. 
Stuff the cavity where the child's genitals and anus were
   located using ½ cup per pound of meat. 
Tie the arms flat to the body, then pull the skin flaps up
   to close the cavity. 
Now tie the thighs up tight to hold it all together.
Place breast side up in a large metal roasting pan. 
Bake in 325° oven covered for 2 hours. 
Remove cover, stick a cooking thermometer deep into one of
   the baby's buttocks and cook uncovered till thermometer
   reads 190°, about another hour.


Pro-Choice Po-Boy

Soft-shelled crabs serve just as well in this classic south-
ern delicacy. The sandwich originated in New Orleans, where
an abundance of abortion clinics thrive and hot French bread
is always available.

 2 cleaned fetuses, head on
 2 eggs
 1 tablespoon yellow mustard
 1 cup seasoned flour
 oil enough for deep frying
 1 loaf French bread
 Lettuce
 tomatoes
 mayonnaise, etc.

Marinate the fetuses in the egg-mustard mixture.
Dredge thoroughly in flour. 
Fry at 375° until crispy golden brown. 
Remove and place on paper towels.


Holiday Youngster

One can easily adapt this recipe to ham, though as presented, 
it violates no religious taboos against swine. 

 1 large toddler or small child, cleaned and de-headed
 Kentucky Bourbon Sauce (see index)
 1 large can pineapple slices
 Whole cloves

Place him (or ham) or her in a large glass baking dish,
  buttocks up. Tie with butcher string around and across
  so that he looks like he's crawling. 
Glaze, then arrange pineapples and secure with cloves. 
Bake uncovered in 350° oven till thermometer reaches 160°.


Cajun Babies

Just like crabs or crawfish, babies are boiled alive! 
You don't need silverware, the hot spicy meat comes off 
in your hands.

 6 live babies
 1 lb. smoked sausage
 4 lemons
 whole garlic
 2 lb. new potatoes
 4 ears corn
 1 box salt 
 crab boil

Bring 3 gallons of water to a boil. 
Add sausage, salt, crab boil, lemons and garlic. 
Drop potatoes in, boil for 4 minutes. 
Corn is added next, boil an additional 11 minutes.
Put the live babies into the boiling water and cover. 
Boil till meat comes off easily with a fork.


Oven-Baked Baby-Back Ribs

Beef ribs or pork ribs can be used in this recipe, and that
is exactly what your dinner guests will assume! 
An excellent way to expose the uninitiated to this highly
misunderstood yet succulent source of protein. 

 2 human baby rib racks
 3 cups barbecue sauce or honey glaze (see index)
 Salt
 black pepper
 white pepper 
 paprika

Remove the silverskin by loosening from the edges, 
   then stripping off. 
Season generously, rubbing the mixture into the baby's flesh.
Place 1 quart water in a baking pan, the meat on a wire rack. 
Bake uncovered in 250° oven for 1½ hours. 
When browned, remove and glaze, 
   return to oven and bake 20 minutes more to form a glaze. 
Cut ribs into individual pieces and serve with extra sauce.


Fresh Sausage

If it becomes necessary to hide the fact that you are eating 
human babies, this is the perfect solution. 
But if you are still paranoid, you can substitute pork butt.

 5 lb. lean chuck roast
 3 lb. prime baby butt
 2 tablespoons each: 
   salt
   black, white and cayenne peppers
   celery salt
   garlic powder
   parsley flakes
   brown sugar
 1 teaspoon sage
 2 onions
 6 cloves garlic
 bunch green onions, chopped

Cut the children's butts and the beef roast into pieces 
   that will fit in the grinder. 
Run the meat through using a 3/16 grinding plate. 
Add garlic, onions and seasoning then mix well. 
Add just enough water for a smooth consistency, then
  mix again. 
Form the sausage mixture into patties or stuff into
  natural casings.


Stillborn Stew

By definition, this meat cannot be had altogether fresh, 
but have the lifeless unfortunate available immediately
after delivery, or use high quality beef or pork roasts
(it is cheaper and better to cut up a whole roast than 
to buy stew meat). 

 1 stillbirth, de-boned and cubed
 ¼ cup vegetable oil
 2 large onions
 bell pepper
 celery
 garlic
 ½ cup red wine
 3 Irish potatoes
 2 large carrots 

This is a simple classic stew that makes natural gravy, 
   thus it does not have to be thickened. 
Brown the meat quickly in very hot oil, remove and set aside.
Brown the onions, celery, pepper and garlic. 
De-glaze with wine, return meat to the pan and season well.
Stew on low fire adding small amounts of water and
   seasoning as necessary. 
After at least half an hour, add the carrots and potatoes,
   and simmer till root vegetables break with a fork.
Cook a fresh pot of long grained white rice.


Pre-mie Pot Pie

When working with prematurely delivered newborns (or chicken)
use sherry; red wine with beef (buy steak or roast, do not
pre-boil). 

 Pie crust (see index)
 Whole fresh pre-mie; eviscerated, head, hands and feet removed
 Onions, bell pepper, celery 
 ½ cup wine
 Root vegetables of choice (turnips, carrots, potatoes, etc)
   cubed

Make a crust from scratch - or go shamefully to the frozen
   food section of your favorite grocery and select 2 high
   quality pie crusts (you will need one for the top also).
Boil the prepared delicacy until the meat starts to come off
   the bones. 
Remove, de-bone and cube; continue to reduce the broth. 
Brown the onions, peppers and celery. 
Add the meat then season, continue browning. 
De-glaze with sherry, add the reduced broth. 
Finally, put in the root vegetables and simmer for 15 minutes. 
Allow to cool slightly.
Place the pie pan in 375 degree oven for a few minutes so
   bottom crust is not soggy, reduce oven to 325. 
Fill the pie with stew, place top crust and with a fork, seal
   the crusts together then poke holes in top. 
Return to oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until pie crust is
   golden brown.


Sudden Infant Death Soup 

SIDS: delicious in winter, comparable to old fashioned Beef 
and Vegetable Soup. Its free, you can sell the crib, baby 
clothes, toys, stroller... and so easy to procure if such a 
lucky find is at hand (just pick him up from the crib and 
he's good to go)! 

 SIDS victim, cleaned
 ½ cup cooking oil
 Carrots
 onions
 broccoli
 whole cabbage
 fresh green beans
 potato
 turnip
 celery
 tomato
 ½ stick butter
 1 cup cooked pasta (macaroni, shells, etc.)

Remove as much meat as possible, cube, and brown in hot oil. 
Add a little water, season, then add the carcass. 
Simmer for half an hour keeping the stock thick. 
Remove the carcass and add the vegetables slowly to the stock,
   so that it remains boiling the whole time. 
Cover the pot and simmer till vegetables are tender 
   (2 hours approximately). 
Continue seasoning to taste. 
Before serving, add butter and pasta, 
   serve piping with hot bread and butter.


Offspring Rolls

Similar to Vietnamese style fried rolls, they have lots of 
meat (of course this can consist of chicken, beef, pork, or 
shrimp). 
Who can resist this classic appetizer; or light lunch served 
with a fresh salad? Versatility is probably this recipe's 
greatest virtue, as one can use the best part of a prime, 
rare, yearling, or the morticians occasional horror: a small 
miracle stopped short by a drunk driver, or the innocent 
victim of a drive-by shooting...

 2 cups finely chopped very young human flesh
 1 cup shredded cabbage
 1 cup bean sprouts
 5 sprigs green onion, finely chopped
 5 cloves minced garlic
 4-6 ounces bamboo shoots
 Sherry
 chicken broth
 oil for deep frying (1 gallon) 
 Salt
 pepper
 soy & teriyaki
 minced ginger, etc. 
 1 tablespoon cornstarch dissolved in a little cold water 
 1 egg beaten

Make the stuffing: 
   Marinate the flesh in a mixture of soy and teriyaki
      sauces, then stir fry in hot oil for till brown -
      about 1 minute, remove. 
   Stir-fry the vegetables. 
   Put the meat back into the wok and adjust the seasoning.
   De-glaze with sherry, cooking off the alcohol. 
   Add broth (optional) cook a few more minutes. 
   Add the cornstarch, cook a few minutes till thick, 
      then place the stuffing into a colander and cool;
   2 hours

Wrap the rolls:  
   Place 3 tablespoons of stuffing in the wrap, roll
      tightly - corner nearest you first, fold 2 side
      corners in, wrap till remaining corner is left. 
   Brush with egg, seal, and allow to sit on the seal
      for a few minutes.

Fry the rolls:  
   325° if using egg roll wraps, 350° for spring roll wraps. 
   Deep fry in peanut oil till crispy golden brown, drain
      on paper towels.


Lemon Neonate

Turkey serves just as well, and in fact even looks a bit 
like a well-dressed baby. By the time you turn the child's 
breast into cutlets, it will be indistinguishable. 
The taste of young human, although similar to turkey (and 
chicken) often can be wildly different depending upon what 
he or she has consumed during its 10 to 14 months of life...

 4 well chosen cutlets
   (from the breasts of 2 healthy neonates)
 2 large lemons
   (fresh lemons always, if possible)
 Olive oil
 Green onions
 Salt
 pepper
 cornstarch
 neonate stock
   (chicken, or turkey stock is fine)
 garlic
 parsley
 fresh cracked black pepper

Season and sauté the cutlets in olive oil till golden brown,
    remove. 
Add the garlic and onions and cook down a bit. 
Add some lemon juice and some zest, then de-glaze with stock. 
Add a little cornstarch (dissolved in cold water) to the sauce.
You are just about there, Pour the sauce over the cutlets, 
    top with parsley, lemon slices and cracked pepper. 
Serve with spinach salad, macaroni and cheese (homemade)
    and iced tea...


Spaghetti with Real Italian Meatballs

If you don't have an expendable bambino on hand, 
you can use a pound of ground pork instead. 
The secret to great meatballs, is to use very lean meat.

 1 lb. ground flesh; human or pork
 3 lb. ground beef
 1 cup finely chopped onions
 7 - 12 cloves garlic
 1 cup seasoned bread crumbs
 ½ cup milk, 2 eggs
 Oregano
 basil
 salt
 pepper
 Italian seasoning, etc.
 Tomato gravy (see index)
 Fresh or at least freshly cooked spaghetti or other pasta

Mix the ground meats together in a large bowl, 
   then mix each of the other ingredients. 
Make balls about the size of a baby's fist 
   (there should be one lying around for reference). 
Bake at 400°for about 25 minutes - 
   or you could fry them in olive oil.
Place the meatballs in the tomato gravy, and simmer for
   several hours. 
Serve on spaghetti. 
Accompany with green salad, garlic bread and red wine.


Newborn Parmesan

This classic Sicilian cuisine can easily be turned into 
Eggplant Parmesan If you are planning a vegetarian meal. 
Or you could just as well use veal - after all, you have 
to be careful - Sicilians are touchy about their young 
family members...

 6 newborn or veal cutlets
 Tomato gravy (see index)
 4 cups mozzarella, 1cup parmesan, 1cup romano
 Seasoned bread crumbs  mixed with  
   parmesan
   romano
   salt
   pepper
   oregano
   garlic powder
   chopped parsley
 Flour
 eggwash (eggs and milk)
 Peanut oil for frying.

Pound the cutlets. 
Dredge in flour, eggs, then the bread crumb mixture. 
Fry till golden brown in 350° peanut oil. 
In a baking pan, place a layer of gravy, 
   then one of meat, gravy, and cheese. 
Another layer each of meat, gravy, and cheese. 
Then bake at 350° for 45 minutes. 
Serve on hot pasta with romano cheese.


Southern Fried Small-fry

Tastes like fried chicken, which works just as well. 
In fact you may want to practice cutting up whole chickens 
for frying before you go for the real thing. 
Whole chicken is much more efficient and inexpensive than 
buying pieces.

 1 tiny human, cut into pieces
 2 cups flour
 Onion, garlic
 Salt
 pepper
 garlic powder
 cayenne pepper
 hot sauce, etc.
 Oil for frying

Mix milk, eggs, hot sauce in a bowl, add chopped onion
   and garlic. 
Season the meat liberally, and marinate for several hours. 
Place seasoned flour in a paper or plastic shopping bag, 
   drop pieces in a few a time, shake to coat thoroughly, 
   then deep fry in hot oil (350°) for about 15 minutes. 
Drain and place on paper towels.


Miscarriage with Mustard Greens

Why waste it? Otherwise, and in general, use ham or salt 
pork to season greens. The technique of smothering greens 
can be used with many vegetables; green beans work especially 
well. Meat is not necessary every day, don't be afraid to 
alter any dish to vegetarian tastes.

 1 premature baby, born dead
 Large bunch of mustard greens
 2 white onions, 1 cup chopped celery
 Vegetable oil (or hog fat)
 Salt, pepper, garlic, etc.

Lightly brown onions, celery, garlic and meat in large
   heavy pot. 
Add a little water and the greens (which should be thor-
   oughly cleaned and washed). 
Smother slowly for at least 2 hours, adding small amounts
   of water when it starts to stick. 
Stir frequently. 
When ready - serve with rice, grilled smoked sausage,
   green salad, and iced tea. 
Coffee and apple pie then brandy.


Maternity Ward Pot Luck Dinner

If you can't get anything fresh from the hospital, nursery, 
or morgue; you can at least get rid of all the leftovers in 
your refrigerator.

 1 - 2 lbs. cubed meat (human flesh, chicken, turkey, beef...)
 1 -2 lbs. coarsely chopped vegetables 
   (carrots, potatoes, turnips, cauliflower, cabbage...) 
 Bell pepper
 onions
 garlic
 ginger
 salt pepper, etc.  
 Olive oil
 butter

Brown the meat and some chopped onions, peppers, and garlic
   in olive oil, place in baking dish, layer with vegetables
   seasoning and butter. 
Bake at 325° for 30 - 45 minutes. 
Serve with hot dinner rolls, fruit salad and sparkling water. 


Bébé Buffet 1

Show off with whole roasted children replete with apples in 
mouths - and babies? heads stuffed with wild rice. Or keep 
it simple with a hearty main course such as stew, lasagna, 
or meat loaf. 

Some suggestions

Pre-mie pot pies, beef stew, leg of lamb, stuffed chicken,
   roast pork 
Spiral ham, Cranberry pineapple salad, sweet potatoes in
   butter, vegetable platter, tossed salad with tomato and
   avocado, parsley new potatoes, spinich cucumber salad,
   fruit salad 
Bran muffins, dinner rolls, soft breadsticks, rice pilaf,
   croissants, Apple cake with rum sauce, frosted banana
   nut bread sherbet, home made brownies 
Iced tea, water, beer, bloody marys, lemonade, coffee

The guests select food, beverages, silverware... everything
   from the buffet table. 
They move to wherever they are comfortable, and sit with
   whoever they choose. 
Provide trays so your guests will not spill everything all
   over your house from carrying too much, nor will they have
   to make 10 trips back and fourth from the service stations.


Roast Leg of Amputee

By all means, substitute lamb or a good beef roast if the 
haunch it is in any way diseased.  
But sometimes surgeons make mistakes, and if a healthy young 
limb is at hand, then don't hesitate to cook it to perfection!

 1 high quality limb, rack, or roast
 Potatoes, carrot
 Oil
 celery
 onions
 green onions
 parsley
 garlic
 salt, pepper, etc
 2 cups beef stock

Marinate meat (optional, not necessary with better cuts). 
Season liberally and lace with garlic cloves by making
   incisions, and placing whole cloves deep into the meat.
Grease a baking pan, and fill with a thick bed of onions, 
   celery, green onions, and parsley. 
Place roast on top with fat side up. 
Place uncovered in 500° oven for 20 minutes, reduce oven
   to 325°. 
Bake till medium rare (150°) and let roast rest. 
Pour stock over onions and drippings, carve the meat and 
   place the slices in the au jus.


Bisque à l'Enfant

Honor the memory of Grandma with this dish by utilizing 
her good silver soup tureen and her great grandchildren 
(crawfish, crab or lobster will work just as well, however 
this dish is classically made with crawfish).

 Stuffed infant heads, stuffed crawfish heads, stuffed crab
   or lobster shells; make patties if shell or head is not
   available (such as with packaged crawfish, crab, or head-
   less baby).
 Flour
 oil
 onions
 bell peppers
 garlic salt, pepper, etc.
 3 cups chicken stock
 2 sticks butter
 3 tablespoons oil

First stuff the heads, or make the patties (see index) 
   then fry or bake.  
Set aside to drain on paper towels.
Make a roux with butter, oil and flour, 
   brown vegetables in the roux, then add chicken stock
   and allow to simmer for 20 minutes. 
Add the patties or stuffed heads, and some loose crawfish, 
   lobster, long piglet, or what have you. 
Cook on low for 15 minutes, then allow it to set for at
   least 15 minutes more. 
Serve over steamed rice; this dish is very impressive! 


Stuffed Cabbage Rolls

Babies really can be found under a cabbage leaf - or one 
can arrange for ground beef to be found there instead.

 8 large cabbage leaves
 1 lb. lean ground newborn human filets, or ground chuck
 Onions
 peppers
 celery
 garlic
 soy sauce
 salt pepper, etc
 Olive oil
 breadcrumbs
 Tomato Gravy (see index)

Boil the cabbage leaves for 2 minutes to soften. 
In skillet, brown the meat in a little olive oil, 
   then add onions, peppers, and celery (all chopped
   finely) and season well. 
Place in a large bowl and cool. 
Add seasoned breadcrumbs and a little of the tomato
   gravy, enough to make the mixture pliable.
Divide the stuffing among the cabbage leaves then roll.
Place seam down in a baking pan. 
Ladle tomato gravy on top, 
   and bake at 325° for 30 - 45 minutes.


Umbilical Cordon Bleu

Nothing is so beautiful as the bond between mother and
child, so why not consume it? 
Children or chicken breasts will work wonderfully also.

 4 whole umbilical chords
   (or baby breasts, or chicken breasts)
 4 thin slices of smoked ham, and Gruyere cheese
 Flour
 eggwash (milk and eggs)
 seasoned bread crumbs
 1 onion
 minced
 salt
 pepper
 butter
 olive oil

Pound the breasts flat (parboil first if using umbilical 
   cords so they won't be tough). 
Place a slice of ham and cheese on each, along with some
   minced onion then fold in half, trimming neatly. 
Dredge in flour, eggwash, then seasoned breadcrumbs; 
   allow to sit for a few minutes. 
Sauté in butter and olive oil until golden brown, 
   about 6 minutes on each side.


Shish Kababes

As old as the hills, this technique has employed seafood, 
beef, pork, lamb, poultry, and vegetables; just about any-
thing can be grilled, and young humans are no exception!

 High quality marinade (Teriyaki and garlic perhaps)
 1 inch cubes of tender meat, preferably from the nursery
 Onions
 bell peppers
 Wooden or metal skewers

Marinate the meat overnight. 
Get the grill good and hot while placing meat, vegetables,
   and fruit such as pineapples or cherries on the skewers. 
Don't be afraid to use a variety of meats. 
Grill to medium rare, 
   serve with garlic cous-cous and sautéed asparagus. 
Coffee and sherbet for desert then walnuts, cheese, and port.
Cigars for the gentlemen (and ladies if they so desire)!


Crock-Pot Crack Baby

When the quivering, hopelessly addicted crack baby succumbs 
to death, get him immediately butchered and into the crock-
pot, so that any remaining toxins will not be fatal. 
But don't cook it too long, because like Blowfish, there is
a perfect medium between the poisonous and the stimulating. 
Though it may not have the same effect on your guests, a 
whole chicken cooked in this fashion is also mighty tasty.

 1 newborn - cocaine addicted, freshly expired, cleaned
   and butchered
 Carrots
 onions
 leeks
 celery
 bell pepper
 potatoes
 Salt
 pepper
 garlic, etc
 4 cups water

Cut the meat into natural pieces and brown very well in
   olive oil, remove, then brown half of the onions, the
   bell pepper, and celery. 
When brown, mix everything into the crock-pot, and in
   6 to 8 hours you have turned a hopeless tragedy into
   a heartwarming meal!


George's Bloody Mary

Don't shy away from this one, it is simply a cocktail 
variation of good old Blood Stew. 
When a pig is killed, its throat is slit and those present 
quaff a cup of hot blood to soften the wintry air. 
From the dawn of man to this day, humans have always
drunk blood! American deer hunters are a prime example.

 1 pint blood 
 Stolichnaya vodka
 ice
 tomato juice
 lemon
 lime
 hot sauce
 Worcestershire sauce
 pickled green bean
 celery
 green olives
 celery salt

Draw a pint of blood from a very young virgin, 
   female if possible, and chill. 
In a tall glass pour 1 or 2 ounces of vodka, 
   then add 6 ounces each of blood and V8 or tomato juice. 
Add ice and other ingredients, making it somewhat spicy. 


Opiated Bloody Mary

When alcohol is not enough, you simply need to be fixed! 
Overdose an infant with heroin or morphine. 
When he turns completely blue, drain off all the blood 
and use to make George's Bloody Marys...

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