For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. —H.L. Mencken
For every complex problem, there exists a solution that has both real and imaginary parts. —unknown

Some Methods For Deciding A Close Election:

- .44 magnums at 15 paces
- snub-nose .22's at 10 paces
- swizzle-sticks at 5 paces

- bare-handed bare-footed stomp-out
- traditional knife dance
- nude mud wrestling
- live-grenade catch

- coin toss and/or high-card draw
- power ping-pong tournament
- hot videogame marathon
- any other forms of dueling

- bribe judges, senators, electors, whomever - kill those who won't be bribed
- move military forces into opposition strongholds, repress displays of dissent
- proclaim victory in partisan-controlled media - suppress all other media
- buy the firms that produce voting machines and vote-counting software
- pray: whoever invokes greater divine power, wins - Saan backs the loser

- Offer to concede. When shaking hands, 'loser' grabs 'winner', pulls him off-balance, strangles him, cuts of his head, holds it aloft and shouts, "I am the man! I am the man! I am the man!"

- Loser concedes, watches winner strut off and be immediately abducted by power-hungry ETs who probe him anally, repeatedly. 'Loser' laughs cynically.

- Disqualify both candidates for cheating, start over.

Further Methods For Determining The Outcomes Of Contested Elections:

If voting actually made a difference, it would be illegal. —Anon.

The counting or miscounting of actual physical or virtual ballots need not be the only method of deciding elections, as evidenced by the above suggestions. Other determinative factors can be taken into consideration, such as the following:

-- Voting with their feet: Whichever candidate compels the fewest qualified voters to run to public or private restrooms to vomit shall be declared the winner of that race. Emigration during the course of the campaign may also be considered.

-- Voting with their wallets: A candidate for office who generates the greatest gross income from the sale of promotional products, souvenirs, books, audio/video recordings, and emulative sexual aids, shall be adjudged the winner of that contest.

-- Father/mother of country: Whoever focks the most voters, wins. Fecundity may also be considered in determining the outcome.

-- Ballots or bullets: Whichever candidate in a contest receives primarily the most disabling or terminal wounding from small- arms fire or handheld edged weapons shall be considered to have lost the election. Nuclear / biological / chemical munitions, or explosives, or other non-personal weapons, will serve to disqualify the surviving candidate(s), if any.

-- Poetics of power: The candidate composing the greatest verse, wins.

-- Voting by voice: Contestants for an office shall gather together multitudes of their supporters, who shall give voice to their love and support. The outcome shall be determined by measuring the peak RMS sound level of audible responses. Amplification is not allowed.

-- Voting by chance: The outcome of any election shall be determined by casting lots, dice or other randomized devices, selecting among either the announced candidates, or among the subject population.

-- Vote, or else: The candidate who intimidates the most voters, wins.

-- Hack the vote: The candidate whose organization penetrates and subverts the greatest number of computer systems shall be deemed the most tech-savvy bastard on the block, and thus suitable for leading their constituency into a globalized, technological future.

Another Approach - Recall Elections:

We have a curious electoral system - whomever recieves the most votes, wins. —Anon.Brit.

If the results of an elections displease you, you can effectively heal your pain and vanquish your disappointment by holding a RECALL ELECTION to remove the actual winner. Rather than bore you with the details here and now, I'll just refer you to this reference page on the 2003 California Recall campaign. Enjoy