A pilgrim is someone who goes on a pilgrimage. The word pilgrim sounds classier than tourist or wanderer or traveling salesman or draft dodger. Always call yourself a pilgrim and you'll get more respect.

But be aware that in some locales, pilgrims may be regarded as locusts to be expunged, or sheep to be sheared, or nuisances to be avoided, or virgins to be violated. But at least you're not a used car salesman.

A pilgrimage is travel undertaken by a pilgrim. The word pilgrimage sounds classier than sightseeing or evacuation or business trip or defection or shopping. A pilgrimage is always serious business, something important involving the pilgrim and some Greater Power, such as Allah, Satan, Mammon, Elvis, or Madonna. Thus any journey towards a Great Goal is a pilgrimage, such as attending sporting events, rock concerts and political rallies.

A pilgrim travels to someplace worthy of a pilgrimage such as a shrine or a monument or a marvel. These travel destinations are much more serious than trips to an amusement park or a tax office or a brothel, and the admission charge is usually less. See If Inner Space Exploration is a Game, Here Are The Rules for information on how to save a great deal of money by traveling to an interior rather than an exterior destination.

A pilgrim embarks on their pilgrimage from whatever point is handiest. It's always possible to jump off from a train platform, pier or dock, diving board, highway overpass, skyscraper window, aeroplane or balloon, staircase, or other such elevated point. Or one could start at the bottom and climb up. Factors that determine your embarkation point may include:

  § Where you are now
  § Where you want to go
  § Height and distance between them
  § If and how you wish to return
  § Local gravity
  § Your desperation
  § Who is chasing you

You may find it expedient to carry a parachute, surfboard, roller skates, or other means of conveyance. And always provide a generous tip to anyone who push-starts you.

A pilgrim travels because their goal is worthy, or because the journey is worthy, or because they themselves are unworthy, or some combination of the above, or for some other reason entirely, as long as they have the right attitude (see below).

  § The unworthy traveler may be trying to justify or understand or excuse or evade their own existence. (See If Existence Is A Game Then Here Are The Rules for more info.) If the goal and/or journey are of great enough significance, the traveler may be irrelevant.

  § The worthy goal may involving honoring or worshipping deity(s), demon(s), angel(s), alien(s), nature, hero(es), genius(es), or mystery(s). The goal may be visible, invisible, real, imaginary, or otherwise. If the goal is close enough, the journey is irrelevant.

  § The worthy journey may involve encounters with adversity (obstacles, difficulties, dangers); with beauty, ugliness, and/or other sensory stimuli (sights, sounds, sustenance, sex, or the lack thereof); with other people (good, bad, indifferent, putrefied) or the lack thereof. The journey may itself be the goal; the goal may be irrelevant.

Other aspects of psychology and/or psychopathology may provoke a pilgrimage. The voices in your head may direct you to undertake the journey. You may wish to leave your present circumstances because you are bored, or curious, or threatened, or epileptic, or indebted, or horny. The justifications may be nearly infinite. Yow.

A pilgrim travels just about whenever and however they can. Some pilgrimages have very specific times and places and other restrictions; a journey to Mecca should only be undertaken during the Hadj by qualified persons. Other pilgrimages are very free-form; you may tour historic sewage facilities ad libidum (as you wish).

There are no hard-and-fast rules rules for the initial stages of a pilgrimage. In fact, it may be best if you make up your own rules. Just as the purpose of life is to find a purpose for life, so the purpose of pilgrimage is to find a purpose for pligrimage. Your staging of your pilgrimage is itself a piece of performance art; improvise, swing with it, do what will be done. Here are some principles:

  § Selection: You can follow your heart, or you can follow orders, or you can follow chance. For the latter, just put a calendar and a map on the wall, then throw darts. For the former, just ask your voices or some other authority to tell you when and where to go. You may also travel wherever your pursuers guide you.

  § Approach: All material concerns of pilgriming are irrelevant; what matters in a pilgrimage is your attitude, which must be totally unlike how you deal with the rest of your life, if any. You must be mindful. You must be soulful. You must be changeable, like a dirty diaper. You must be seeking, like a hungry tick.

  § Undertaking: Do whatever you have to do. Spend all your money, or none. Take as little or as much time as necessary, or not. Travel near, or far; with others, or alone; clothed, or naked; with or without weapons. But these material concerns are irrelevant; all that matters is that your journey be difficult. If it's not difficult, it's not a real pilgrimage. The word travel derives from travail, torture. The harder and more painful your travel, the better. The best pilgrimages are those which are too difficult and dangerous to complete or to survive. The only perfect pilgrim is a dead pilgrim.

The pilgrimage best suited for you individual situation depends upon a great many factors, MANY more factors that can be dealt with here. But you can get a taste of what a pilgrimage is like by taking any of the popular packaged tours to traditional destinations:

Rome, Jerusalem, Mecca, Stonehenge, Yankee Stadium, Mt. Shasta, Okeefenokee Swamp, Tiananmen Square, Graceland, Amsterdam (home of legal prostitution and cannabis), Easter Island, Hell, Mt. Fuji, Timbuctu, Lourdes, Kabul, etc.

Those with unlimited time and resources might wish to engage professional planers and guides. Those on a tight budget may consider a mindful, prayerful, attentive tour of local light fixtures, preferably by tongue.

The pilgrimage is not always your to control, to benefit from, to cherish and value. Forces far greater than your own puny consciousness are often involved, forces that merely play you as a pawn. Don't be surprised if your pilgrimage spins away from you, spiraling into a whirlpool of chaos and complexity, of pain and putrefaction, of total abandonment. Such an experience may be the most rewarding of all. Remember: Strange Travel Directions Are The Universe's Dancing Lessons. Yup.